Can Broken Trust be Rebuilt and How?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 06-01-2004 - 7:46pm |
I am in a 2 year relationship andI would like to share a few of the lies I have been told and am confused as to where this relationship may be headed.
We first started talking online in a chat room and at a time when I was making arrangements to leave a 25 year marriage. We talked about the importanece of trust in any relationship and what values we hold for ourselves. We seemed to be on the same page in the same book.
When we first talked, he told me he was temporarily living with friends of his sharing the living expenses but they were wanting him to get his own place shortly.
After we got together I found out he lied about where he was living.
He told me he felt ashamed to admit he was still living at his ex's place as he had not secured a place of his own yet. They had been split up about 6 months prior, she was in another relationship and as they were both having financial difficulties, it was a mutual agreement that helped both of them at the time. He said he was ashamed of his situation being a grown man and thought I would not want to meet him.
When we first talked, he told me he had too many fingers on one hand to count how many women he has slept with and he did not believe in one night stands. He said with all the diseases out there, that scared the heck out of him.
Wrong again. As the relationship progressed, I learned there were a few women he had been with and he has had a couple of one night stands. Now at this point I do realize this happened before I came along but I don't understand why he couldn't have been honest with me about things we talked about.
When we first talked, he admitted he met with some of the people in the room, as many of them did and I would have liked to as well but couldn't. One woman in the room (of whom I spoke periodically to as well), referred to him as 'her boyfriend', to which he denied repeatedly as he was not interested in a long term relationship. He did tell me he would like to meet a nice woman as a companion for going out on dates, with no long term commitment but she was not his type. (He had been hurt badly from his wife of 16 years affairs)
After he and I got together, the other woman who considered him hers, felt that I 'stole' him from her. After talking with her a couple of more times before we lost contact, I felt something was not 'right' for her to feel so strongly about this. We were always very respectful in our conversations towards one another and she never shared alot of information. She did ask me though how he referred to her and I told her 'as a friend'. I felt by her response she was hurt and insulted and I knew there was something more.
After sharing my talk with her to him, I told him I felt he must have done something to leave her with that impression or not make something clear to her. He admitted he slept with her twice in a one month period. His explanation being they were both lonely and she had come onto him first and it just happened. I did voice my disapproval for using someone in that manner when so many emotions get tangled in the sex act.
The previous things mentioned happened BEFORE we got together. I found out the truth AFTER we moved in together.
Soon after moving in together we mutually agreed... no more chat rooms for either of us. His list was mainly women and some guys from the rooms and mine was mainly family and a couple of friends from the chat rooms...mainly women. We both cleared out our lists except family. By fluke I found out he had gone looking for some of his friends (under his old name) through searches although with no success.
Prior to my finding the evidence, he stated he didn't not need it anymore. Once I found and confronted him about it, he said he gets bored and lonely sometimes while I am working and was just wanting to talk to someone. Swore he wouldn't do it again and to my knowledge, he hasn't.
When we first talked, he told me he is against pornography.
At the same time when I found him looking for online friends, I stumbled across some mega porn sites in my computers history. Tons of it was in my computer. I was shocked, numbed and hurt.
Now I know porno is not a problem for many people but to me it is. I have been molested as a child, raped as a teen and then again in my early twenties. I have come along way to get where I am today but I am very ANTI-PORN as my violations happened as a result of a couple of men fulfilling their porn stimulated fantisies against me.
Anyway, my SO was very remorseful, terrified of losing me, told me he was curious as to what internet porn was like and his curiousity was over and it will never happen again.
I had my computer wiped clean and redone. We both changed our names representing a fresh new start.
I also made it clear I didn't totally trust him as I did before because of his lies and it will be an uphill climb to earn my trust back. I also made it clear I didn't know that our relationship could take another blow like this one. He promised me he would not do anything to jeopardise us again.
Well, you probably figured out what is coming next. This past January, (8 months after the first incident) porn was in my history again. His reason... he was really horny when he got home from work. I had 2 hours left to work myself and live 2 minutes away from home... he couldn't have waited?? We have had a very, VERY active sex life. Experimental, passionate, fun... he tells me it is the best it has ever been in his life and he doesn't know why he did it again and couldn't wait for me.
Now he was really scared of losing me and went to see a doctor about his lying and porn interest. I want to believe he is sincere and wants us to work for the best but I am scared to... of believing in something for only another let down.
He was the first to say 'I love you' and has asked me to marry him. Although I do love him deeply, he knows marriage is not an option right now due to the lies/trust issues with me. He says he will do whatever it takes to regain my trust and wait as long as he has to for things to be right again so we can marry.
He has 5 grown children, 10 grandchildren with 2 more on the way. I have 3 grown children with my first grandchild on the way. His children adore me and always voice that I am the best thing to ever happen to their dad. His eldest son who is 30, asked his dad the other day why couldn't he have met me 30 years ago instead of their mom. All of his kids have voiced this over the past 2 years as well. (they don't associated with their real mother much and the oldest one hasn't seen his mom since he left home at age 16)
I apologise for the length of this post and I would appreciate your input.
How can this trust be built to a healthy level again or am I banging my head against a wall and not realizing it?
Thank you
Only me

sounds like a gem.
why would you consider spending another minute with someone who is so messed up?
yes it soundsl ike you are banging your head against the wall - but i think you DO realize this, that is why you are here asking questions. I don't undestand what