Can he get it back?

Avatar for bubblebath1969
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Registered: 04-24-2003
Can he get it back?
4
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:39pm
My DH and I have been having problems (based mostly around sex for him) for some time now-mostly because I didn't have a sex drive during either pregnancy or breastfeeding period. We started to reconnect after my first baby was 18 months but then I got pregnant again and she is now 6 months old. As I started making more time for myself and getting my groove back, I started giving my DH more affection and attention, but instead of being happy, he got very angry and resentful and pulled away from me. He claimed he felt unloved and neglected for years after he unloaded on me. I have said how sorry I am and explained how hard it all has been for me to find time for my needs let alone his needs. I think he had a false idea of marriage and how it takes work and change as things change. It has been about 6 weeks since all this happened and things have been a bit better this week, but he has stated that he has lost 'the emotional connection' and is not 'in love with me but trying to get it back.' He blames me for breaking what we had. Anyway, I know it is not all me and I am not perfect but he is not either. We went to counseling 3 times, but DH didn't want to contiue because he felt it was too negative. I have been giving him space and not talking about our 'issues or problems' and I have stopped crying. All this has seemed to help in the last week, but my question is: will sex bring him back or something else? What more can I do? What is meant to be will be I know and I can't go back into the past, but just wanted your opinion.
Thanks
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:58pm

In your 3 sessions, what did the counselor suggest?

Why does your DH think it was "too negative"?

Avatar for bubblebath1969
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 1:19pm
I don't think the therapist we saw was a very good 'marriage' counselor. I did mention to my DH that I would like to seek a good marriage counselor and he did agree to go with me IF it is what I wanted. My DH thought it was too negative because he brought out my husband's anger. My DH said, "I vented what I needed to vent and I don't need to go in and dig it up each week." I honestly think it was because he had to look at himself in the marriage and realized that it wasn't just me that made the mistakes. I think he really believed that it was ALL ME and to hear some one say "marriage is a two way street" was a blunt reality perhaps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 3:03pm

Recognize that your husband has essentially felt rejected for the past 18 to 24 months and that there is more to this than just sex. Sex is just one of the primary outcomes. During this time your wants and needs were of more importance and greater priority than his. It will take more than a week to help reestablish balance in your relationship.

I believe it starts with a mindset and mutual promise that your relationship is equality-based and mutually-beneficial. Your wants and needs are equal to his in terms of value, importance and priority. What it takes is for both of you to adopt the principle that you will both do things for the better good of your relationship, rather than the better good of yourself. This only works when you both commit to doing this together and then setting aside time to enjoy each other in many different ways.

You can start by both of you talking about your top 3 or 4 wants and needs for yourself and your relationship that you want to prioritize.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 04-27-2007 - 4:26pm

Hi bubblebath,


Finding another counselor is a good idea.