Can I accept marajuana use?
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Can I accept marajuana use?
| Fri, 01-16-2004 - 5:58pm |
I am a 29 year old female. Seven years ago I became involved with a man who had a drug and alcohol problem. At the time I thought I could fix it, but I learned that I couldn't. Our relationship became physical one afternoon when he attacked me, while under the influence of alcohol and marajuana. I was choked to the point that I almost passed out. It took me a long time to get over the fact that I could not help him, and that he had turned on me and hurt me so badly. I have never done drugs and I did not understand why they absorbed so much of his life. Now, 8 years later, I am involved with a wonderful guy. He is caring, funny, talented and loving. My problem is, he is a marajuana smoker. At first I tried to look past it and learn to accept it. He doesn't have a bad temper when he smokes like my ex did, but the smell of it reminds me of the past and it brings back terrible memories of the day I was attacked. He thinks that I should learn to compromise and accept it here and there. But I don't know if I can. I need your help girls! Am I holding on to bad memories that I just need to let go of? Should I move forward with my relationship? Should I learn to compromise on the issue? Or, should I end it based on my experiences? I am so confused. Sometime I feel right by not accepting it, and then others bad for holding on to old memories.

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It brings up bad memories that you don't want to rehash
You will live in fear that the marijuana will affect him negatively in some way
Marijuana is illegal
'Should I learn to compromise on the issue? '
What would the compromise be?
How do you feel about marijuana use in general?
I don't like it myself because of my past. Before that it didn't really bother me, and even now, it doesn't really bother me if a friend of mine were to take part in it, it's when its a part of my partners life.
But you want to assess how you "feel".....start here.
First, it's illegal. How're you going to "feel" if he requires being bailed out, needs an attorney for trial, and has to deal with the public and professional issues of being arrested for and/or convicted of "drug possession."
Second, how would you "feel" if in addition to him being arrested, you were arrested, jailed, tried and/or convicted -but would keep an arrest record either way - for drug possession. You run that risk, being with him.
Third, how're you going to "feel" should the time come that the feelings marijuana gives him, and the actions he takes while under its influence, takes priority over you and your needs, desires, plans, and goals as a couple and as an individual? It's a risk you run - getting involved with someone that uses.
Being a person in recovery....here's another "risk"...the one few people consider a risk until it's a reality in their world. People that use drugs and alcohol recreationally are one thing. They can take it or leave it, generally as life and goals and opportunities for true success make themselves more priorities - recreational users "quit". Why the purpose of it is past. It wasn't being used to "cope" with the unfairness of life based on a dysfunctional reasoning pattern and life perception, it wasn't being used to escape the "no matter where i go there I am and I am never happy" reality that pervades their world. IT was used as a recreational outlet, that has been replaced by true goals, pursuits, interests and generally the values and ethics of hard work, effort, sacrifice, and self-responsibility are now what "turn you on". People that recreationally use aren't always having to have a guaranteed source or stash, and they've never purchased it over paying bills, or pursuing goals, or anything of merit.
while you'll never be the one to make the call - do you think you have a recreational user on your hands? Someone that if tomorrow there was no possibility of it being in his world - he'd serenly proceed on - not replacing it with another drug of choice, or alcohol to excess?
Because, if you have anything but a recreational user...here's the biggest risk and threat to you and your future. At some point, the choas, destruction, turmoil, havoc, unrest, insecurity, doubt, fear, anger, and resentment and ffrustration at life in general is going to overwhelm them. It'll have overwhelmed, encompassed, and destroyed you long before them - you'll be incurring the consequences of the use they're "entitled" to based on dysfunctional reasoning. And...they'll clean up. They'll decide that no matter where they go, tehre they are. That success/failure isn't found in a situation - it's a method that you operate with through life in all situations - and they want to learn the method of success. They realize they've never been who they wanted to be, never defined their values, priorities, goals, or standards. They've perpetually lived in a state of need - of acceptance, financial assistance, etc. and that "need" is what has put them into such emotional unrest that they've self-destructed.
They'll realize 12-step or some sort of true recovery and life-restructure is in order - iit's not that they need to "stop using" it's that they need to stop needing to use in order to cope with life. They want to start living, stop coping, stop cheating themselves out of a truly happy and secure existence by their own definitions, efforts, means, and standards.
They straight up, they learn to think with a different pattern that produces positive results, they get rational, logical, mature and realistic...they define goals and pursue them.
Sounds great - doesn't it? Except...they're no longer manipulated by your guilt, anger, resentment and fear - they're no longer willing to pay penance fo rwrongs they can't undo but won't repeat, they're totally not the person you knew and the only thing "good" about this new reality is they're not wasting your joint funds on drugs, and you're not worried that you'll get a call from the morgue or PD as to their whereabouts. You're now worried if they'll stay with you - because you no longer thik the same, they're not wanting a "free handout life" putting them in "need" of you - that puts you into the abyss of fear, doubt, anger, resentment, frustration, and anxiety they once resided in.....and you might turn to using yourself - wondering how the world got so upended.
So ask yourself if all these "feelings" are worth an alliance with him. Because they're all a possibility.
What's also a possibility is that you cease any sort of relationship - except dating, and even then you're risking being jailed, or at least at the scene when he's arrested an dyou're let go if you're fortunate.....for possession and all the negativty that'll result from that.
And just tell him how it is - you can't deal with someone who does drugs. If it's recreational - youo want him to grow up and stop being stuck in a timewarp and since you can't force it - you won't associate until he's not just "not smoking" - but until his life is more value oriented and goal focused rather than "laid back, loose-hipped, and whatever is is" attitude.
And if it's not recreational - when you tell him that he's going to cease to benefit by an alliance...he'll get pretty nasty and abusive, find someone else to enable his dysfunctionality, and you'll be better off in the long and short term.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
You stated it. You don't want a partner of yours to smoke it. So why continue to date him?
I disagree with you that a guy who smokes pot is a loser. He may be or he may not be - it depends on the guy. I've known plenty of occasional pot smokers who wouldn't be classified as losers by any stretch of the immagination.
Hi ...
I have been married for 2 and a half years to a man that smokes marijuana. We have had more than out fair share of discussions over it. For us the problem is a financial one and what he spends on it. He is a wonderful loving caring man who adores me. Do I wish he did not smoke - sure. But I too learned the hard way that you cannot change people.
We had a very bad summer last year fighting over the expense of his habit and I came a breath away from walking out the door.
Smoochdog (aka Michelle)
to me this is a "yes" or "no" issue - either you accept that he uses (occassionaly or not) or you don't. I don't se that there is ANY place for compromise on this type of issue.
to me - the bigger question would be to ask yourself why you are attracted to guys with such baggage (addictions) in the first place.
Personally, I'd rather be with an occasional pot smoker (by 'occasional' i mean something around once a week, or less), than with an occasional drunk. However, while getting drunk is not illegal, smoking pot, even only once, is illegal, and you have to consider this.
Most people i know have smoked pot a few times, and some still do (very rarely). They are not losers, by any stretch of the imagination. But then, they have full lives, they don't spend a lot of money on pot, it is not the fucos of their life, and they go along just fine without it. I am glad my BF does not smoke pot, but if he did occasionally i would not freak out.
So, it is up to you. If he were a regular pot smoker, though, I'd sure stay away. Too many things to worry about: addictive personality, financial issues, the possibility of arrest... no, thank you very much.
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