Can I live like this happily?
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Can I live like this happily?
| Wed, 05-16-2007 - 2:39pm |
I have been married for 17 years. I have 3 kids. I am not in love with my husband. I never was. He's a nice guy, good father and everything else. Can't say a bad word about him. But I am simply not in love with him. I knew that when I married him but I wanted children and yadd yadda yadda and no one else was knocking at my door. I was afraid to wait any longer. We are "freinds"- sort of- we don't talk about much, very superficial. Mostly like housemates/room mates. We are completely incompatiable in every way- sexually, socially, emotionally, intellectually. We have nothing in common. I have no desire to do anything with him, we have such different interests. So I go out with my girlfriends often- he doesn't mind much, he wants me to have some enjoyment. He is boring to me. But he is a real nice guy. I don't think he is in love with me either. We love each other like a brother and sister. I have not cheated on him, nor he on me. Neither of us can make it on our own financially if we split up. We run a home business together- if he left, he would be jobless and homeless. I couldn't do that to such a nice person. I am stuck. I guess I made my bed so I have to lay in it. It's lonely and depressing. He is handsome and we have sex about once a month or so, I need to have a couple of beers first so I don't feel like I am with my brother or something. Is there anyone else in this situation?
Oh- and even though I have not cheated, I fell in love about 2 years ago with a freinds husband. We flirt but it won't go any further. I guess I have to learn how to be happy living with a man I don't love and living without the man I do.
Oh- and even though I have not cheated, I fell in love about 2 years ago with a freinds husband. We flirt but it won't go any further. I guess I have to learn how to be happy living with a man I don't love and living without the man I do.

Welcome to the board tate165,
My only suggestion is to go to individual cousneling so you will have an outlet to express your feelings and maybe you can find some way to make yourself happy in this situation.
But I have to say, you only live once and don't you want your life to be happy?
glitter-graphics.com
NO - NO and NO but you already knew that because you are living this way and you're not happy. I know from personal experience when we settle we reach a place where we almost feel as though we're not entitled to happiness. I also know the frustration of feeling financially trapped. The truth is when you decide to make positive changes in your life you will find a way to create that happiness and alleviate those barriers.
I'm not exactly in your situation but I can relate. I haven't had sex in 9 months and my husband has manipulation and control issues among other things and I feel like my marriage is a morgue. I am in the process of completing my pre-requisites to go to nursing school and honestly until my dad had a stroke last year I never would have considered nursing as a profession. But here I am at 45 preparing to embark on new adventure in life.
Stay open to the possibilities and seeing a therapist could work wonders for you.
All the best to you - you deserve to be HAPPY! :)
Why are you assuming that if you left him, you would get the house and the business? I'm asking here bc I'm curious to see if you write: I do all the work or w/o me there is no business. It could be thats part of the problem. Whether we want to believe it or not - we have been subconsiously programmed to expect men to be providers. If he doesn't provide for you, that might be why he doesn't feel like a husband.
My suggestion? I'd get a job outside the home and start saving for a possible seperation. You may find the new direction & the new friends you meet will help you appreciate the time you spend with your husband. If you don't find that, you'll always have the finances to make a split and try for happiness.
I don't want to touch on any sensitivity here, but have you considered what you are teaching your children about marriage? I say this bc my parents had that dreamy, romantic love that you could see in their eyes. I held out till I was 31 before I found that...maybe I wouldn't have if I hadn't seen it played out before my eyes. Children are sponges - the pick up everything. They will sense the subtleties of your r/ship even if you don't say a word. And they may be sensing your unhappiness.
GL!
Yes, I would stay in the house not only for THAT reason, but because my children need to be here, thats what my husband would want.
I have no expectations on whether a husband should or should not be a provider. We have always been pretty much 50-50 in that area. But this is MY business and basically he works for me, without me, there would be no business. He can't do it, he is uneducated and it's really my thing. And there is no work in this town, maybe minimum wage flipping burgers. Not too dignified for a 44 year old man, think? And also- he never indicated that he doesn't feel like a "husband". He is just fine with the whole thing for the most part. He is unemotional, lassai-fair, introverted, quiet, content and not wanting any "issues". He is kind and helpful and does great with the kids. He does tons of housework and yard work. He has no outside freinds.
I, on the other hand am energetic, outgoing, busy, multi-tasking, many freinds, like to go out and have fun, occasional beer drinker, sing Kareoke, hobbies, church involved...all the things he is not.
YAWN!
We are kind to each other, we "act" like we love each other in front of the kids- an occasional hug or peck on the lips (no tongue- never any tongue)----we don't fight or argue, we have regular conversations about household things. So our kids (all preteens and teens) have no clue how I feel. My number one goal is to keep them in the dark. They are all good students, have tons of friends and happy.
I know that I am using him for convenience. I know that is terrible of me. But most men in this situation would want to leave--not just want to, they WOULD. But not him. WHere would he go? No job, no home, no money. So I guess we use each other. And he doesn't indicate that he is unhappy about it. Probably knows that nothing can be done to change it, so why bother. I can't fall in love with someone who I know I can't fall in love with.
I have to learn to be happy living with a man I love and living without one I do.
I think I am so depressed because I can't see a way out. I don't want to hurt him. I just can't be responsible for making him jobless and homeless---ripping his whole world apart. I can't do it. So my guilt is another thing that keeps me depressed inside.
If I could have the perfect situation, it would be that he and I were divorced, living in the same house and going on as usual but being allowed to date others. LOL the only thing about that which would be different at all is the dating others part.
The consequences of settling for the wrong man...you are not alone in this world many women and men marry for all the wrong reasons. I am close to 50 and did not even though I fell in love a few times for some really great guys BUT they didn't make my knees weak. If I never find someone that makes my knees weak and my heart pounds I would prefer to be single.
I wish you luck....that lack of love and energy that you have with your husband WILL affect your children. They will learn how to love from that and I find that to be a shame.
Cindy
Firstly, I'm very glad you did not pursue the crush on your friend's husband. That would only bring pain to many people in the long run, including yourself.
You sound as though you are doomed to be in this loveless situation. You aren't. The first step is to go get some marriage counseling - and see what's truly going on here. It's easy to find and focus on all the things that are bad and boring. But certainly, it makes more sense to discover and focus upon that which is good and right. Somehow the two of you have given up on each other and on yourselves. With the right help and support, you can learn to communicate, share feelings, create activities and plans you both enjoy, and start to build a relationship where at least some of your needs are being met. You say he's handsome. Yet something is blocking you from responding to that. You view him as a brother. All of this can be worked on and worked through. You run a business together and have much else that you share. Don't write this off. Give it professional time and attention. You may well be very surprised.
Best wishes,
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The kids are fine. My best freind is a clinical psychologist and has given me tips on how to keep it this way. So I am lucky in that respect.
I don't really care what I am "entitles" to. I know that if we ever split up, he would want the kids and I to remain in the home- for the sake of the kids and for my sake (its the only way I make money).