Can I salvage this affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Can I salvage this affair?
4
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 4:34pm

I'll make this simple. We met online a little over a year ago. I am a modern kinda girl and so in the beginning when I felt our personalities clicked but our lifestyles didn't we settled into a friends with benefits situation. I have been in a relationship of that nature twice before and been able to handle it without any emotional attachment. As you can well guess in this recent situation the mighty has fallen. I went through all of the appropriate stages: contentment (how nice to have a man without commitment), delusion(I'm in control here, foot loose and fancy free), denial (I don't love him; its lust), acceptance (dammit I do love him! Why me? Why??!!).


Obviously realization came a bit late in the game. To solve this situation I did what any neurotic, single, 30-odd woman would do: I confessed my deeper feelings in an e-mail that read more like a break up. Now he still wants to remain friends and was a bit confused by e-mail (we discussed it over the phone). He suggested I take all the time I need and call him when I'm feeling up to it and we can go out (out being operative here, as we never left his place except to eat while we were "together").


Question time. I still love him, still want to be with him in a significant relationship. How do I go about this? What is the right thing to do here? Is it okay to be friends?


I have never had a LTR and I have not been in habit of falling inlove ;)


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 4:43pm

Welcome to the board pollyboo2008,


If he wants to only be friends, than

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 4:49pm

Did you get the impression that he suggested being friends because he thought you were ending things?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-10-2008 - 6:41pm

Well, it sounds as though the two of you need to sit down, face to face and take time for some good, old fashioned, honest communication. He wants to be friends. But you are in love. Does he realize it? What is he feeling in all of this? Does friends mean to him that you just enjoy benefits? So much here is unclear, and of course if your feelings have gone deeper, it can become very difficult and painful for you to simply be friends. So, the time has come for you to tell him clearly that you have feelings for him and would like to establish a more exended relationship. See if he's open for it? See how he feels and what he wants. If the two of you are not on the same page, if he doesn't share you wishes and feelings, then it's better to let this go. It would only be hurtful to stay around, hoping and wishing that things will change.


Basically, it's lovely that you are able to care and love. Now that you know you can do this, the next step is to find someone who feels as you do.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2008
Mon, 01-14-2008 - 12:56pm

I seem to have a fear (for lack of a better word) of expressing my emotions and so I chose the e-mail route as a method to better express myself. I mentioned in the letter that I had strong feelings for him and I wished to be with him in a committed relationship and given that he was seemingly comfortable with our current status it didn't appear likely he was willing to go in that direction.


He called me after he read it and I attempted to re-assert my position as some of the wording in the e-mail confused him. I mostly stammered through the conversation as I couldn't find the words to express what I wanted and what I was feeling. He did agree that he was still quite happy being the bachelor but that didn't diminsh the fact that he still enjoyed my company. In hindsight I suppose it was the point at which I told him that perhaps I shouldn't see him anymore that he expressed his want to remain friends and then listed all the lovely traits that he admired about me. He told me to take all the time I needed and hoped he would hear from me soon.


At this point I am not certain of opening a new conversation (though I'm sure it is still clear as mud) and perhaps the real truth is that my hopes and desire are leading me to want a connection with him. Obviously my bias is overtaking my common sense.


I'll take your advice and cool off. Time and distance should give me perspective and help me to move on.