CAN I SALVAGE THIS? GUYS HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
CAN I SALVAGE THIS? GUYS HELP!!
15
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 8:48am

Hi new to this board. My boyfriend broke up with me last week. My story is under relationship issues under "life goes on if you need more detail then I can give here. No one has responded to it thus far so...a huge issue for him is the sex. He found me conservitive in bed. ie: I have the lights off more then on,I am not aggressive enough,and I seem to be too large for him to fill me up so not alot of sensation for him. We have dated 11 months. I've met spent alot of time with his family etc. so not a casual thing. I have not seen him since our last talk (of two) on friday. There is a good chance I will run into him at a mutual client we service sometime this week and I'm not looking forward to it as not sure how to act. We both want to remain friends and he has said if I need to talk to him I can call etc. My question is this. I am so tempted to try and set up a visit and try to rock his world and show my more adventurous self to prove that this can be overcome. (In the past I have not been told I was conservitive. Most mates could not get enough. I seemed to turn them on)! I know its best to not call and keep away. Need advice about our staying good friends as well. But if I don't show him I can be more expressive how will the idea in his head change. Guys(and girls too) in your opinion if a guy feels sex is not up to par is there any chance he will come back? I was not a stone in bed. We did many different positions, I gave him oral,I rode like a cowgirl on him. I did not see him really bring anything new to the table. Although sex is not his only reason (see story) up until the break up all things pointed to a pretty good relationship. Our first "fight" was a week or so before the split and it was more like a heated conversation on how he needed more aggressive groping to get excited. I do grope etc. Just not always first thing. I kiss and fondel and sometimes wait for him to make some moves too. Any advice?????Thank you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 5:32am

Hi ragingangel,

The night he broke up with me this did not come up.He just said Knowing him (and what his needs were) and knowing me (and I guess where I fell short in his world for HIm and those needs not on a human being level) that he did not see anything long term. I know we all think our relationships are "special" and were"wonderful" etc.But in my relationship with this man there was so much good, and careing and joyful moments and I was enjoying being in this relationship so much that I did not see the cracks in it for him.Because all relationships are imperfect. There is no such thing.So when the few (what I thought were) small negitives surfaced I was so busy basking in the glow of my love for him that I did not see it (or choose to see it some of you may say). But there were no big arguments or silent treatments. We were seeing a little less of each other the last few weeks.We had just spent 4 days together at his brothers wedding and we both were busy at work getting caught up. As well after a year of being together all the time,having sex almost everytime we saw each other (when that was possible given mother nature and such) one can not keep up that kind of pace. Relationships eventually settle down a bit. Everyone ends out of the infatuation stage into a new stage. I put any slight changes to that.SHOULD HE HAVE TOLD ME THAT? probably not. BUT I ASKED HIM. I told him I needed to know the reasons because this just did not make any sense to me. At one stage (this was our second talk) he told me something about my parenting style and then regreted saying that because it was only a small thing and I explained my take on my parenting. He also said he had talked to a buddy of his (that I did not know and would never cross paths with) and his buddy had said the same thing. Do not go there with her. But you see I can't make any changes to what I'm not aware of in a relationship. No one can. Thats where trust and communication come in. In essesence I asked him for it. There are other things but we stopped there because I got the picture and like he said whats the point.I guess the part I'm angry about is that at no point did we sit down and have a talk about any of this and try to work on it together BEFORE we ended it. I feel left out ,blindsided,shortchanged. It is so rare to find someone that you can relate to and enjoy the way I did him. I believe in working through things and turning over every stone to reach the next level of intimacy. I told him that this talk we were having right now was intimacy. To be able to share unpleasent thoughts and feelings to each other without losing the respect and love for each other. To accept. that IS LOVE!!!! He was not able to do that and YES that is more about him then me.He is not perfect either. I've written a book. but it has helped. Thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 1:04pm

Hi firefly2008,


Here's your other post from the other board to help others understand the situation:


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=26005.1


In the above post, you wrote: Although things were fine after and we made love the next night (I made sure I was more agressive) things were a little more distant on his part after.


So I guess I'm wondering what you now have in mind with this statement: My question is this. I am so tempted to try and set up a visit and try to rock his world and show my more adventurous self to prove that this can be overcome.


My other question (worry) would be, what if he flat out rejects you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 5:21pm

"I told him that this talk we were having right now was intimacy. To be able to share unpleasent thoughts and feelings to each other without losing the respect and love for each other. To accept. that IS LOVE!!!! He was not able to do that and YES that is more about him then me.He is not perfect either."


Yes, communicating pleasant or unpleasant thoughts and feelings can strengthen a relationship and create greater intimacy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 10:17pm

I think this is the most important part of your previous post: He claims I don't have some quality's that he is looking for long term. Things I can't change.He didn't want to name them as it would hurt me more.


And sex is not going to help in my opinion.





angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2008
Thu, 07-24-2008 - 6:44pm

Hi,

I was trying to find the post where I said that about wanting to rock his his world. I think right after that I said But I knew in the end that would save it or something like that. There is an update on my other thread (not sure how I ended up with three) in breaking up is hard to do. He called me said he missed me and did I want to meet for coffee. The rest of the story is on that thread. I would welcome everyone opinion and guys (men) if you could give me your take on this from a mans point of view as well I would be grateful And your right about the He claims there are qualitys part. I can't change that.

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