Can I save my marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2011
Can I save my marriage?
4
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 1:00pm

Hi,

I met my husband when I was 19 and we have been together 11 years, married for three. Just lately we have been arguing a lot. Frankly, I am bored with all the fighting and the pettiness. He is giving me the 'silent treatment' at the moment - he has not said a word to me for three days. This latest is because I smoked while driving. He has previously asked me not to. Firstly, the car is more mine than his. I am the main bread-winner so pay for most of the bills etc. Secondly, over the past year I have begun to rebel. Thirdly, and mainly I know that this latest is not about the car - he has deeper issues that he is not talking about.

I think that he is doing this because he wants to move. He has always had 'itchy feet' so we have moved every couple of years to a new city. This time I am happy and I want to stay. It is the first time in a long time that I have friends and a life of my own. This has been building for a while and I just don't know what to do. He won't talk and I can't even think about suggesting counselling because he would NEVER attend that!

I want to make it work, I love him, but I don't know if we can fix this. He has hurt me emotionally so much over the past few months and does not even consider that he has done anything wrong. For quite some time I did believe that everything wrong in the relationship was my fault - but I don't anymore. I just don't know what he wants or expects from me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 1:32pm
Sounds like a man who is used to getting his way..... and a woman who is now going to stand up for what she wants. You shouldn't give in on moving. You finally found a place that makes you happy and this has strengthened your sense of self, having social connections with others and having somewhere that feels like "home".

At 19, you were both still quite young. I'm not saying that those who get together at such an age are doomed to later have a falling out, but we as people constantly change in small ways, that can lead up to bigger, more significant ways, and if the couple doesn't grow in a similar direction, they will inevitably grow apart, or one of them will trample their true feelings and person to avoid a break up/divorce.
But that's not how you want to live your life.

I understand that you love your husband - I personally think it's sad and telling that you believe so strongly that he would refuse counseling. But I'm afraid that with or without a mediator, in order for you two to have any hope in getting this marriage back on track, you need to clearly communicate your thoughts, feelings, irritations, motivations, goals, needs, ect. With such a disconnect in understanding one another, you cannot find cross the divide to find similar ground.

So, since you don't think he will agree to have the trained mediator (therapist), you both will have to get through the hard work on your own, together. Getting both of you to realize it's "together" will be difficult, because if you jump right into discussing things, he might feel attacked, so instead of an "us against the world" mentality, it will be "she is against me". This will hurt any attempts to move things forward in the right direction.

In your case I'd almost push you to still ask him to go to counseling with you. Perhaps another poster will feel that your issues can be settled at home, and hopefully they will have advice as to how you can go about this.

Goodluck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 8:18pm

If he refuses to go to counseling, then I would recommend that you go alone--it will help you figure out a better way to deal w/ him and figure out what is the best path for you to take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 06-26-2011 - 4:35am

I agree with music lover.......counselling is called for.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 9:17am

You have yourself an uncommunicative husband. I'm assuming that he is also around 30 years old? So you have a 30 year old who acts like an 8 year old. Instead of talking to you, he gives you the silent treatment. He never talks to you about anything. Do you think this is any way to live out your life? To live with someone who shuts you out everytime you get into a dfisagreement?