can I trust him? should I? VERY LONG!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
can I trust him? should I? VERY LONG!!
7
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 3:17pm
I'm a divorced single mom of 2 in my late 30's. I've been dating this guy for over a year now, and he seemed to be a really honest, open, caring person. When we started dating I was separated, but my divorce was not yet final (just now became final in June, in fact). Recently I was told that last year (while dating me), he had been seeing someone, and that when she tried to break it off with him, he would not back off and continued to try to contact her. I asked him about it, in a completely non-confrontational way. The way I see it, there are 2 sides to every story, and there was every possibility that, if he had been seeing someone, she had overreacted or something. In any event, he denied that he had been seeing anyone at all - and was utterly and completely baffled by who it could have been.

Our relationship has progressed since then, and he has been talking about love and marriage, but I had this niggling doubt in the back of my mind, so I did a little more digging…and found out that not only had he been seeing someone, but that he had e-mailed her as late into the year as December and said things like he still loved her and always would, he believed in their relationship and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and that he missed holding her and making love to her. I'm totally confused now about what I should do….

While I could have understood that he was seeing other people while we were dating, and probably could've even excused the fact that we didn't clarify that beforehand, the fact that he would sleep with someone else concerns me deeply. And, he had the perfect opportunity to bring it all out in the open, and lied to me instead…..

On the other hand, since the beginning of this year it appears that he has been completely faithful, and up until recently we hadn't ever really made any definite commitment to each other not to see other people…..

To add to that, I was at his apartment once (yes, with his knowledge) and there was porn in both the VCR and DVD player. When I talked to him about it and told him that it had upset me because it made me feel inadequate that he would feel the need to watch porn when we had each other, he adamantly said it wasn't something important to me and that now that he knew it bothered me he wouldn't watch it anymore. At his apartment again the other say, it was obvious from the bottle of oil next to the computer what he had been doing….I haven't had the chance to talk to him about this yet.

Sad thing is, I really love this guy….

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:18pm
What I think you need to do is sit down and have a serious discussion with him. He had another intimate relationship when he was with you. There might be a perfectly good explanation for that, like what you said about not really ever being fully committed to eachother - but did he still talk to this woman after you made that commitment?

The problem is that he lied to you about it. Sometimes men just don't want to get in a big discussion becuase they thing that it is unimportant and will just cause problems in your relationship that they will try their hardest to avoid.

With the pornography thing, you made it clear that you didn't really approve of him watching it and you think that he went ahead and did it anyway. Well you don't know for sure if that's what he did, but you can pretty much guess. Sounds to me like you didnt make it apparent enough that you didnt' want him doing that and he is going to have to take you seriously.

You have to be stern with him on this matter and tell him that you really don't like it, and if he respected you enough, he would stop. If he continues to do it, then he obviously doesn't respect you enough. I had a similar conversation with my boyfriend. I found out that he was 'pleasuring' himself quite a bit and spoke to him about it. He agreed that he wouldn't feel very good if I (or you in this case) was at home pleasuring ourselves, because it gives off the impression that he isn't good enough. So tell him that.

I would really speak to him seriously about the other woman though, and get the full story on that. If it seems like he is telling the truth and you are satisfied with his answers, then you need to get over it. But if you don't approve of some of the stuff that went on with the woman or if they continued after he made a commitment to you, then you have a problem and that is just like cheating. My fear would be that he still talks to this woman.

Hope this helps....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:42pm
Well, I'm on the fence about the porn...the thing is, if it's really something that he feels driven to do, then I he needs to be open about it and not feel that he has to hide it from me, and I in turn have to come to terms with it. I feel like he thinks he has to hide his flaws from me or risk losing me, and that's just not true. I can't guarantee that this is something I can accept, but I can guarantee that if it is something he continues to do and hides from me, it will become a major problem in the future!

With regard to the relationship last year, what worries me is not that he may talk to her again, but that he may do something similar to me as he did to her: start looking around for someone else while still telling me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That's essentially what he did to her, right? Granted she didn't want to hear it, but there he was telling her he loved her, and at the same time he was building the beginning of a relationship with me....was I just his back-up plan???

still very confused....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 4:47pm
I'll go along with the first poster on the other woman.

I don't agree on the porn. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean he should stop if it is not affecting your sex life. The inadequacies you feel are yours to deal with. If you have a blue car and he doesn't like blue should you get rid of it? If you enjoyed playing tennis with your friend should he feel inadequate because you don't play it with him? Worse yet, should he tell you to stop playing tennis with your friend? Masturbation is healthy..ask any medical professional. It is not a reflection upon you that he pleasures himself...it's a way to rid of extra stress or it just makes him feel good...and IT'S HIS PERSONAL CHOICE just as you pleasuring yourself is yours. You aren't going to change that personal choice. It is now your turn to make the choice to leave based on your values regading self pleasure and porn or to stay..that is your choice.

Doubleblade posted somewhere today that she sees ultimatums as a form of insecurity, I'm paraphrasing here as I can't find that post darn it. Now Doubleblade and I don't always see things the same but 95% of her opinions I really respect..this is one. Saying if he respected you than he'd quit has that ultimatum feeling to it....like OR WHAT? you'll leave? you'll throw a tantrum? you'll nag him to death and pout? OR WHAT? You can't change a person and my guess the other posters BF just is more secretive about his self pleasuring..he didn't stop. Secure people say "based on my feelings, values, etc. I don't tolerate these things..therefore it's time for me to go".

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:14pm
Excuse me, massagesrme .....

I did not mean to give 'confusedsinglemom' the advice as to give her man an ultimatum about the pornography. I read her post, as saying that she didn't like it and it bothered her and it obviously will effect their sex life if she says that she doesn't feel adequate for him and she doesn't meet his needs. That is what I took from this woman's problem. So obviously it is going to effect their relationship. Relationships are all about give and take, and yes, somethings you have to give up in order to make the other person happy. And I'm sure that this confusedsinglemom has had to make sacrifices as well. Do you not go to a movie that you don't want to see with your significant other simply because you don't want to see it? or do you say sure i'll go....give and take.

MAYBE this woman has values that do not agree with watching porn. THere is nothing wrong with asking him not to do it anymore. It doesn't mean he has to listen, but then if he doesnt, i guess her mind would be made up whether or not to stay with him....catch my drift?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 10:20pm
How old are your children, and do they live with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:10am
why? what does that have to do with it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:39am
If you have minor children living with you, please don't even think about pursuing a relationship with someone who might bring pornography into your home.