Can I win her back?
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| Fri, 03-30-2007 - 7:58pm |
I am in a rough patch in my marriage. My wife and I are both 39 and have been married 13 years. We have three children (9,6, and 5). Iwill fully admit that for the past few years I have depressed and emotionally unavailable to my wife. I have now been on Zoloft for a couple months and am focused on my wife and family being my top priority.
However my wife has in the last year got into exercise, lost 80 lbs(and looks hot). She blames me for her weight gain (about 100 lbs since our wedding). Now she says she has feelings for her personal trainer (age 24). I understand the change in her life has been dramatic, but I feel that I deserve a chance.
Right now she won't kiss me (and I feel like I have to ask permission for a hug). I believe in marriage and really oppose divorce. Right now she says she is willing to stay for the children, but I want to finally have a good marriage and be the husband I always should have been.
Does anyone have advice for me?

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It's not uncommon for a spouse who feels that they have been neglected in the past and then begins working on their bodies by working out regularly, dieting or both to turn away from the spouse. Quite frankly it doesn't really matter HOW the spouse treated them before they lost the weight, the bottom line is that they feel beautiful again and that's why they're apt to stray. If you haven't been treating her well and now that she's looking good you suddenly want to "make things right", she's not going to buy into it. My suggestion is to get into counseling before you lose her forever! This happens all the time!
Good luck,
J
Welcome to the board scout332,
I second the counseling recommendation.
Thank you for you input. I have read Dr. Phil's book. I asked her if she would also readit, but the reply was that it was to help me. I looked at the Gary Chapman website and aprreciate that recommendation. I have been trying to do the acts of service--I have taken over all the laundry and took off work this week for my kids spring break so she didn't have to--something I never would have done before.
I guess I'm just frustrated that there hasn't been any "thaw" yet.
Hi again,
The book is to help you?
It makes sense that she has feelilngs for her trainer. He was the opposite of you for a while. His job was to encourage her, say positive things and during the hour he was with her things were all about her.
Now she needs to focus on her family and realize that the feelings for her trainer were displaced. Unfortunately you can't make her stay or make her want to be physical with you. You can ask her to go to counseling. I hope she does. Staying 'for the kids' is a terrible way to live.
I'm a man so what I'm about to say may be considered controversial.
I'm not surprised at all that your wife is blaming you for her weight gain - that's pretty typical. She doesn't want to own that responsibility in her life. This blame game justifies her punishment of you and her attraction to her trainer. This is a root cause problem that must be addressed for any positive move forward can occur in your relationship.
First and foremost, you are not the sole blame for her weight gain, but you do own some influence here. You can accept responsibility and own that fact that you didn't offer her the reassurance, validation and support she needed from you as her husband. You also need to tell her that you will not accept accountability and blame for her choice of actions. If this goes on too far, it does become abusive and you as a man are not obligated to take that kind of abuse from your wife. She needs to own that and you need to be firm with what you will accept and own responsibility.
Your job now is to create a positive environment for you, your kids and your wife. Offer her positive encouragement and validation for her accomplishments. Find activities you enjoy then create time for them to happen. If she continues her abuse of you - which your kids should never be subjected to - then take the kids and go do something with them for 4 to 6 hours away from your wife.
This is going to be a struggle and I wish you the best.
I appreciate everyone's advice. We had a long talk last night. She does not want to see a counselor at this time.
She considers her relationship with the trainer to be and "emotional affair". She does not want to stop working out with him even though she knows Dr. Phil would tell her to never see him again. I don't feel I can ask her to stop seeing/training with him or she will blame me for her not reaching her weight goal(about 15 more lbs.).
she still does not want to leave me. She asks me to give her time to work through her feelings. I feel I owe her this given that I wasn't available to her for so long.
The biggest stumbling block that came up last night is our sexual relationship. For years she had no sex drive, but now says she thinks about/wants it every day. (It obviously isn't happening with me.) Our biggest fight over the past few years had been about sex. When I got depressed, I lost my sex drive and had erectile issues. She feels that this will be a problem forever--I think it was just part of my depression. To her, it made her feel worse, undesired which is definitely not the case.
Again I'm sure people will suggest working things through a counselor, but I'm looking for advice. I want to make my marriage succeed. We have too much invested.
Wow scout,
Like most people that are getting their egos fed and feeling high on infatuation, they don't want to give it up.
Well, if she's willing to stay, that's a big gain. She's there, despite her feelings for someone else. Now, it's up to you to be the man she always wanted and that you always wanted to be as well. Court her. Make her see you as someone exciting and sensitive. Do all the things you wish you had done before. It's positive that you are feeling better now, but the other years of neglect won't wash away in a moment. It will take time to really convince her that you have turned a corner and truly care for her. Be patient, be persistent, be romantic and she'll come around.
Best wishes,
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How long should it take to see some sort of improvement if I continue to work hard on impoving? When do I get give up?
It has been 2-3 months and I feel some days are good, but that many are indifferent(not bad).
Thanks
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