Can intimacy be gained?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Can intimacy be gained?
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 2:20pm

I'm wondering what your take is on intimacy.  I have been married for 4 and a half years and with the exception of the last year, it hasn't been easy.  Since the first month of marriage, we've dealt with a lot of stuff (fighting, not communicating, etc) and even had a year of separation.  After the separation for about 10 months, I came back to try again.  We both went into it knowing we had a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do.  Since I came back, things have been better.  We have changed a lot of our ways and have handled things differently.  There's still those old habits and behaviors that creep up every now and that pinches a bad nerve with me, but I am still TRYING to see where we're going with this marriage.

A big part that is missing from our marriage is the intimacy and sex.  I've told my H many times that I feel there's an element missing from our marriage that seperates he and I from being best friends to husband and wife.  I just lack passion and desire for him.  We've been in therapy and I go on my own too and they both say to try and almost force some kind of intimacy (whether it's a long hug, a passionate kiss, etc) and that the more we do it, the more "normal" it will become and the less forced it will feel.  I have had (and still have) a lot of issues with my H's personality and I think that's where this lack of passion stems from.   There is a lot about him that simply drives me up the wall or turns me off. I'm slowy starting to realize that no matter how "good" we're doing, I don't think I can get passed this stuff.  

I just don't know if I'm giving it a fair shot as far as the intimacy part.  I've learned that eventually in marriage, the intimacy fades away along with the passion and it's not as strong and it takes effort to maintain.  So I wonder if I'd hit this point with another "husband" too...?  I'm just not into it and even when we do have sex, it's awkward many times. The only times I can be really engaged is when I have a few drinks in me!  I guess that takes the edge off.  I just think about what the therapists tell me and feel like maybe I'm being unfair.  But I guess at the end of the day, I need to do by what I'm thikning and feeling and not as much as what they're saying.