Can intimacy be gained?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Can intimacy be gained?
8
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 2:20pm

I'm wondering what your take is on intimacy.  I have been married for 4 and a half years and with the exception of the last year, it hasn't been easy.  Since the first month of marriage, we've dealt with a lot of stuff (fighting, not communicating, etc) and even had a year of separation.  After the separation for about 10 months, I came back to try again.  We both went into it knowing we had a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do.  Since I came back, things have been better.  We have changed a lot of our ways and have handled things differently.  There's still those old habits and behaviors that creep up every now and that pinches a bad nerve with me, but I am still TRYING to see where we're going with this marriage.

A big part that is missing from our marriage is the intimacy and sex.  I've told my H many times that I feel there's an element missing from our marriage that seperates he and I from being best friends to husband and wife.  I just lack passion and desire for him.  We've been in therapy and I go on my own too and they both say to try and almost force some kind of intimacy (whether it's a long hug, a passionate kiss, etc) and that the more we do it, the more "normal" it will become and the less forced it will feel.  I have had (and still have) a lot of issues with my H's personality and I think that's where this lack of passion stems from.   There is a lot about him that simply drives me up the wall or turns me off. I'm slowy starting to realize that no matter how "good" we're doing, I don't think I can get passed this stuff.  

I just don't know if I'm giving it a fair shot as far as the intimacy part.  I've learned that eventually in marriage, the intimacy fades away along with the passion and it's not as strong and it takes effort to maintain.  So I wonder if I'd hit this point with another "husband" too...?  I'm just not into it and even when we do have sex, it's awkward many times. The only times I can be really engaged is when I have a few drinks in me!  I guess that takes the edge off.  I just think about what the therapists tell me and feel like maybe I'm being unfair.  But I guess at the end of the day, I need to do by what I'm thinking and feeling and not as much as what they're saying. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 3:01pm

I think that women connect intimacy with feelings, so it's normal that if your DH is aggravating you and you dont' really "like" him that much, that you wouldnt' want to have sex with him.  I assume there are no physical problems and you don't mention kids--after that short a marriage, I don't think that sex should have faded into oblivion so much.  I think that with most married couples who really love each other, the sex might not be as often after a period of time, but that when they do have sex, they enjoy getting together.  IMHO, it just sounds like you are with the wrong person.  Do you really love this guy or do you just feel that since you got married you are stuck being with him?

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 4:51pm

Love, and intimacy, can grow when the people involved are determined to make it happen. Arranged marriages which turn out well, are proof of that.  However, since I don't think you were forced into marriage,  I can't imagine why in Gods name you got married in the first place.  Do this poor man a favor, and get out of his life.  Let him meet someone who loves him, and wants to be intimate with him.  You, go do whatever it is you want to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 6:35pm

Music- many times I do feel we're not right for each other. I question my decision to marry him a lot...hence why at one point we even postponed the wedding. But I can't beat myself up about it now. I did what I did and I need to go from there.  No- we don't have any kids right now either. What you said makes sense though....that it may fade after a while but you till ENJOY it. 

Tooth- I'm all for taking accountability for my decisions- right or wrong- and admitting when I'm guilty. But do me a favor and PLEASE don't refer to him as "poor guy" and make him sound like the victim. If you knew HALF of the stuff I've dealt with with him, I assure you you'd change that response. 

I appreaciate ate you both taking the time to reply.   Some valid points! Thanks!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 7:40pm

What you find intolerable, someone else may find endearing.  Since he does not seem to have enough stones (or common sense)  to give a wife who does not want to have sex with him, the heave ho, yes, do him a favor and end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 12:46am

I agree with sabertooth......I wonder why you married him!  If it was going sour within a month of the marriage, don't say that everything was sunshine and roses BEFORE the marriage.  Some people are so anxious to get married that they accept the first one wiliing to marry them, even if it's a miserable relationship......like they think saying "I do" will suddenly make everything hunky-dory!  You made the mistake of marrying him......and you compound the mistake by STAYING married to him.  You're not doing yourself OR him a favor by staying in the marriage, and please be VERY careful not to bring an innocent child into this mess.  You're wasting money on a therapist, at least for now.  Give that money to a lawyer, and make a fresh start on your own.  Later you might want to talk to someone about learning how to make good choices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 7:26am
I also wonder about why you chose to marry someone you do not seem to either like or have chemistry with. If you were 'in. Love' or 'attracted to' him at one time, then I would suggest trying to recapture whatever that was and bring it back into the marriage. But if it was never there and you are unhappy, I. Think moving on might free you both up to find happiness. If what drove you to marriage was a fear of being alone, then I suggest you work on learning to be happy alone...I think that would be a better use of your. Time. Than trying to feel intimate with someone else...you. Will always have yourself to make you happy. Best. Wishes
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-12-2013 - 2:27am

 Are you afraid of bing alone?  Did you marry just to get the MRS degree?  Get a annulment or divorce yesterday.  It was doomed from the start and there is no reason to beat a dead hourse.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 6:55pm

Thank you for all your replies.  To answer some questions… No, I'm not afraid of being alone. I think I have a big fear of making the wrong choice. The choice to leave when I should've stayed. Or that I'm looking for something better but I'm being really unrealistic. I married him because I did and do love and care for him. I really felt like whatever obstacles we came across, we could get through them together.  I truly did feel that at the time. Maybe I was being too hopeful… I don't know. I wasn't really all that anxious, especially since I had already postponed the wedding anyway. I think I just really thought we'd be okay. 

But as I said in my previous post, I'll big part of me does just feel like we are really good friends and like roommates. He says the same thing too.  He gets very frustrated and upset when we're not intimate, almost like I just have a switch in me and I can turn it on.  

As time passes, I'm definitely growing more and more tired though. It's just been a long bumpy road and after a while, there's only so much you can take.  So when I see those old familiar ways and habits, it just tries me away. I need this to say, it drives me away from wanting to have sex with him too.