can it be saved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
can it be saved?
26
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 3:12pm
i am a divorced man in my 40s. my girlfriend for the past year is in her 20s. we have been together night and day for literally the entie last year -- the only nights apart were when one of us was out of town for work, visiting family etc -- maybe a total of 15 nights apart in the past year. this has been an incredibly close, "soulmate" relationship for both of us. now for the problem. The other day, as she was about to head out of town for a weekend with her family -- she told me out of the blue that she was having some difficulties -- primarily with the age thing, me being divorced, etc. At the conclusion of the discussion, she broke up with me.

as improbable as this relationship might be - it has been wonderful for both of us. however, she suddenly seems intent on halting it. we literally went from 150 miles an hour to zero overnight. I haven't seen or talked to her in five days. i am stunned by the completeness and suddeness of this. When she was telling me she was breaking up, she made it clear that she thought any attempt to discuss my feelings about this was perceived by her as trying to "persuade" her to stay with me and it clearly put even more distance between us. I haven't called her since then, for five days now, and she has made no attempt to reach me.

I don't want to lose her -- and I don't think that reminding her of our love and the rare intensity of our feelings and how it can be difficult in life to come across two people so perfect for each other in every way expect the age and previous marital history -- should be someonw perceived as manipulative. I'm afraid if I do try to talk to her that she will refuse, not answer, say no, refuse to see me, etc. I just can't understand how it wnet so downhill so fast.

Any ideas on what, if anything, I can do? I am truly heartbroken and distraught about this ....



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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Sun, 11-30-2003 - 9:16pm

Hi


Welcome to the board.


I don't know how you're going to know what is going on with her unless she opens up.

Avatar for goldiegrrrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 12:31am

Wow....it sounded like you just described my problem but in reverse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 8:29am
hi and thanks for your message. sorry to hear you're going through the same kind of thing. you say to wait a few weeks -- i can't even figure out how to get though the morning! but I know you're right. I thought I would wait a few days and touch base along the lines of your suggestion -- her birthday's next week and i thought i would ask her if she would like to go out -- keeping it light and simple. it's the little things that are tough -- like normally i would be calling her as she was driving to work to check in, calling her around mid-morning, lunchtime, and then at the end of the day to coordinate our get together later on. it was reassuring and comforting to both of us. to let all that go is very difficult and somewhere i think that i can remind her of what we had by staying in touch like we used to -- but i guess that may be pushing it and i may be asking for a bigger problem with her possbly suggesting i just stop contact completely -- which would really be devastating to me. i wish there was an easy way to get over this. there is another woman who has indicated her interest in me in the past -- i was thinking of pursuing this, casually, to help me get my mind off of my girlfriend so i don't dwell on this any more than i already am.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 8:39am
Tara --

Hi and thanks for your reply and understanding. Since I don't much choice, I will wait as long as I can and see what happens. She has a birthday coming up next week and I was thinking that I would ask her if she wanted to go out. This is going to be very tough. She is a good woman -- i think b/c of our age and other differences, she is inclined to think that despite what we have, i am not the man of her future and therefore she needs to reconsider our relationship no matter how good it is/was. i wish there was a way to get through the day(s) easier. the absence of the routines, phone calls, etc., are really hard to deal with. i sent her flowers yesterday with a note that said miss you. she called me last night to let me know that she recieved them, that she was back from her holiday trip, that this was really tough for her, etc., but that she needed time and space. it made me feel better to hear from her - but i know there are many difficult times ahead as i can't pursue her and have to wait and see if she wants to come back. what do you think of me pursuing another woman who has expressed interest in me. i feel i need this to help me get over thinking about my girlfriend. i'm not looking to get "involved" with this other person -- just go out and try to have some fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 9:54am
First, let me say that I am truly sorry for all of the pain & suffering that you are experiencing for the moment, especially with it being the holiday season.

Question: during this past year, in hindsight - never at one time did she ever let on that her interest in you & this relationship was swaying? Did the topic of you martial status or age difference ever come up in the beginning stages of this relationship - or at any time for that matter? What about her home life - what about her family? Did she ever talk about their perception of you or this relationship?

Unfortunately, there are several variables that can come into play as far as what happened on her end? It could be family - perhaps that were frowning on this romance and their disapproval became way too much for her to handle, although they city out of town, they are still her family. It could also be another person - perhaps an old flame for her past or a new person who is closer to her age, someone she feels that she has a connection with, sees a long term future with this person.

Regardless, at this point - you have to work on getting thru this somehow. I know that this is easier said than done but you have to move forward. The fact that she refuses for you to express your feelings does lead me to believe that perhaps her "hand was forced" into this decision and hearing your feelings could make her realize how much she is hurting you by making this decision. Does that make sense?

Honestly, I don't think that this relationship is over. When I was reading your message, I didn't think "oh yeah, it's over..." My initial thought was "she just needs some space."

If I was in your position, I would just give her all the time and space that she needs. I think that if you try to force yourself on her, it will push her away even further and cause her to alienate herself even further from you. I know that the pain seems absolutely unbearable at times, but you just have to move on with life.

For what it's worth, I do wish you the best of luck!



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 12:05pm
Wow. How aweful. You know, if my "bf" just up and walked out on me, I'd be very hurt, but it would be over for me. How could I ever trust him again to not just abondon ship without warnng? But that's just me. Perhaps she'll want to contact you down the line, but do you really want to rekindle something with a person who can just up and leave you like that? I'd think long and hard about it.

As far as seeing this other woman goes, you can do what ever you want...you are no longer in a relationship with your gf (she made that clear). Keep in mind that if your gf does come around, and you want to try and patch things up, you seeing someone else "so soon" or at all will be an additional problem for you guys. I can already hear it, "if you really loved me, you wouldn't WANT to date anyone else, especially so soon". Stupid logic, I know, since she's the one who ended things, but very common response to theses things. So be prepared. Anyway, go have fun. What else can you do? Sit around and wait for her when you have no clue if she'll even be back? I think not. JMHO.

I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope you feel better soon. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 12:54pm
huggnic - thanks so much for the thoughtful comments. I know i need to let this play out and give her what she needs -- i'm hopeful that it's not anyone else and i really don't think it is, but i guess you never know. i know i lose if i fall to my instincts and try to stay in touch. i did send her flowers yesterday with a simple "miss you." she called me later in the night to say thanks, that this was hard for her, that she has thought about calling me many times, but that she needs time and space. i kept the discussion light, talking about what she did over thanksgiving, etc., and also offering to her that whatever she does i wanted her to know that there is a place in my heart for her. She also said not to send more flowers ... i told her i wasn't planning on it. She must view it as an attempt by me to "persuade" her since that seems to be an issue for her. Anyway, her birthday's next week and I was planning on asking her out. What do you think? I still want to give her a present that i had already planned on getting her ... even if she leaves for good I would like her to have it as a reminder of what we shared.
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-01-2003 - 3:18pm

Hi


First off, I wouldn't call her about her birthday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 1:19pm
Great suggestions. Would it be soooo bad if I just made one little call to her to check in -- letting her know I care about her and am thinking of her. It's driving me nuts to not have contact at all. We used to talk four/five times a day, and that's not counting waking up together and meeting for dinner and spending the night together after work. I can't take this.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 3:13pm
To be honest, I think it is more important for you to work on your own independence than winning her back right now. To me, calling 4 or 5 times a day and then waking up together, having dinner, that's a bit smothering! To me it seems needy. I think if you've already told her how you feel and she doesn't want you to try and convince her to come back to you, you really need to let go and move on. I know it's painful, but it's time. Also, if you make another person the center of your universe, it is a thousand times harder to get over them. Make yourself the center of your world and you'll find someone to compliment, not become the reason for, your life.

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