Can love survive without passion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Can love survive without passion?
3
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:45pm
Dear Friends,

I have been with Scott for almost 3 years. I know he loves me and we are very loyal to each other. There is definitely the element of friendship and respect for each other but the man has no sense of passion. He hardly ever really did.

I remember the first time we made love he thought it was a big deal to make love a couple of times for the entire 3-4 day weekend. I don't consider myself a sex fiend but I am one of the most physical and naturally passionate people I have ever known. In fact passion is so much the essence of my core being that I bear a tattoo of a playboy bunny in a fiery sun (don't laugh!).

Even in less loving monogamous relationships I have had increasingly better sex. I have been quite lucky to have passionate and long lasting relationships with men I only liked not loved!

Finally in love...I am 29 years old and very experienced when it comes to relationships, so I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and he claims the same thing. We have just moved in together and now I am pregnant.

I have tried every which way to elevate his passion and have even tried to improve his health nutritionally thinking that he may just have a low libido due to his age(34) but also found out that even when he was much younger he had a tendency to be minimalistically sexual, physical or passionate. It's not that he doesn't find me attractive because as it turns out, his relationship with me has been the most "passionate and physical" relationship he has ever had with a woman (believe it or not). He doesn't have any taboos or religious restrictions and he does let me and others know he finds me attractive in spite of the fact that this frustration has triggered binge eating and weight gain.

I have used supplements (for him), natural aphrodisiacs, begging, writing intense and detailed letters explaining how I feel and what I need from him in plain English instead of trying to make him guess like most women.

We've had heart to heart talks about this, flirting, trying to be more attractive and seductive, originality, I even almost broke up with him once.

I thought he suffered from some type of depression but that's not it either. I've tried increasing his sense of security and know he feels confident with me. I have tried more things than I can possibly remember and still live in a state of constant frustration and while most or all of these have been a temporary fix, he would soon fail and dwindle because he just can't seem to be passionate about being intimate with me, so you see he knows how important it is for me, in fact, one year he told me his new year's eve resolution was to kiss me passionately for at least 10 seconds every day, I burst out in tears because I felt like I had been holding them back for a long time due to his lack of touch. Of course... he failed miserably shortly thereafter. In sum I've tried everything, pressure, no pressure, Etc.

I've stopped trying to get him in the mood to make love with me. Excuse me for being so frank, but I could give him a raging erection and he would still just kiss me on the forehead and fall asleep until I literally told him to make love to me. If I don't, he'll just hug me and go to sleep.

Even when he finally does make love to me, he seems to not think I don’t need to have an orgasm too. Believe me, I've talked to him about this too and even taught him how he could do that for me. Although I didn’t really try to push that one too hard because it seems too ambitious when I’m still fighting to try to get him to even want to make love or give regular sessions of passionate kissing in the first place.

You might wonder why I would even go further with a relationship that already seemed to be too passive and lacked passion from the beginning in the first place? Well, my past experiences have shown me that intimacy and the mind AND body connection have only gotten stronger with time. So why would I think that a relationship with my true love wouldn’t escalate to something much better if even the nearly meaningless ones did?

Sometimes he says there's no time but we've had plenty of occasion and that's such a lame thing to say. Everybody and anybody who wants to be intimate can find the time to make love somehow.

I’m tired of trying to make him understand that passion and intimacy are what strengthen the bonds between a man and woman and keep the harmony in a relationship.

Friendship is ok but not what makes the ties between a man and a woman unique and special. I think the epiphany of a relationship is never stronger or more spiritual than when two people in love are making love! I think that is the most wonderful feeling on earth! I wish I could stay in that moment forever! So how could he not at least want to be in it with me as often as possible?

I'm tired of being a beggar for love and it's killing me. I tried to adapt because I love him so much and he's wonderful in every other way but I can't. This year he has only made love to me twice and only kissed me passionately twice while making love to me. It is now April 26th!!!



When I was a young girl I used to dream of getting married (before I became anti-marriage minded)and the

reason I thought it would be great to marry would be “all day and non-restricted access to love as freely as possible (first that meant kissing and playing all day and as I got older making love all day was added to that fantasy). I don’t expect that to happen in reality but I never thought I’d be so withheld that I literally feel pain and my emotions so contained that I feel like I’m drowning or broken-hearted.

Although he showers me with attention and tells me he loves me everyday, I'm afraid for our relationship and our baby's future. I know he already has plans to give me a ring and ask me to marry him soon, but I'm afraid and feeling guilty because of a serious possibility of saying no…I’m forcing myself to stick around now as things are.

I thought about being aloof (again) to try to snap him out of this (or at least alert him to the problem) but how can I do this without hurting our relationship? How can I deny him when and if he finally gets the desire to make love to me?(sometime this year hopefully *sigh). Believe it or not I tried that too and he seemed to "adapt" to it too well.

I so strongly want to make him yearn for me the way I do for him, but turning him down for sex will bring up the subject that I'm tired of discussing with him, will cause an argument or he will just conform to it like he has in the past. It's like the man doesn't even care if he ever has sex! or kisses me! Please help!!! I need to be made love to. I need to feel like a woman not a buddy.

I can't walk away from my soulmate who does try to change but fails because passion is not something you can force yourself to feel. I am not asking to re-ignite passion. I need to teach him what passion is all about in the first place! Please help!!! He is not having sex with anyone else, so what is wrong with him? what is wrong with me?

I'm tired of feeling guilty because everything seems to advise that sex, kisses and passion are not important but I'm also tired of crying to sleep. This is the first relationship where I have become increasingly uncomfortable with sex due to not really feeling wanted and I could swear I'm becoming frigid!

I love him but I'm feeling dead inside and feel disconnected from him. I want him to feel the way I do for him (as impossible as that mission sounds) but I don't want to pull any stunts that would cause resentment and I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to feel as one with him.


Sincerely,


Sandy

A woman in love, in pain and seriously losing hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 2:54pm
I've been you so listen up....if you're wildly passionate about "sex as an act of physical gratification" - then that's one thing. If you're wildly passionate about HIM wanting you so desperately because it proves his love and allegiance and thus your fears for the future are quelled - that's another thing entirely.

But basically - flip this around...you're trying to tell him that passionate sex is essential to relationships of harmony, security, and longevity by your standards...while you're in a long-term relationship that is headed towards marriage that has no "passionate sex" in it at all because he lacks the desire for passionate sex.

I married 4 guys like this...you cannot "make" a man love, like and admire women as a gender....nor can you make a man love, like, admire, and desire to "be with a woman" in the sexual sense.

he's not adverse to sex because of you - he doesn't place that high ap riority or value on a great sex life. You're thiking that there are no religious reasons or other issues that restrict his thinking and his values and priorities....well, if oyu're right then you're with a passionless man in terms of sexual desire. Which isn't that uncommon...just like it's not uncommon for a woman to be extremely physically lustful and passionate - not just about her man, but men in general, and love "sex" for physical gratification not as an indication of anything emotional at all.

But you can't make him be what he's not...and you're not succeeding but frustrating yourself in the attempt. And he can't make you not be waht you are - but becuase you are what you are and he is who he is...you're frustrated, he's not...so of course he's not the one thinking of "ending the relationship because it doesn't meet my needs and standards."

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:13pm
Dear Erin,

How very well put. I really appreciate you taking the time to read such a long letter.

There is something that caught my attention in your response. I'm suffering, he's not.

I wonder if there's a way I can make him truly feel and understand my pain. Hmmm...maybe that's the route I should seek. Thank you for the enlightment.


Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 3:30pm
"understand my pain".....what you can't do is make him "long for sex and sexual interaction" like you do. Nothing you do is going to produce that result - he has "issues" with sex and sexuality - and nothing you do is going to change that.

Realize if he were the polar opposite - and he wanted sex 24/7 and you feared that he'd go elsewhere for "just sex" if you were unavailable - you'd be in the same predicament.

Now...if he truly loves, admires, respects, and desires you as an individual in his life - then he's taking into account your priorities, needs, standards, and goals - while forming his own of those things, and dealing with himself in those areas. Just as you are him.

So, you might be able to agree to have sex one night a week, or one more night a week - at a prearranged time....so that your need for sex would be more satisfied. and you would also know taht you're prioritized in terms of "you as an individual" in his life - for he'd be conceding to have sex more often than he wishes.

In exchange, you'd do the same...and you'd stop pursuing sex or affection (if he's not into being snuggled or whatever) so ardently and vehemently as to possibly make him feel insecure or inferior......or if this is some sort of twisted and sick power play - it would end that, as well.

And you'd be having less sex than you want...but more sex than you've got - and you'd both be compromising and communicating to do it. Two skills quite necessary if you're to remain happily together - married or otherwise.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com