CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED ????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2005
CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED ????
7
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 12:13am
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED GOING ON TWENTY ONE YEARS AND ABOUT THREE YEARS AGO WE STARTED HAVING PROBLEMS I WAS A DEDICATED WIFE
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 12:29am

Welcome to the board faces6,


So basically, your husband is still abusive to you and that has not changed, no matter what he said about wanting another chance.


After an affair, most couples cannot heal the betrayal and rebuild trust without professional help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 2:12pm

Welcome to the board faces6,


Your husband is abusive to you, won't have sex with you, uses porn often and openly instead of sex with you,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 5:48pm

Hello,


Believe me I'm no expert in relationships but I grew up in home much like yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 6:17pm

I come from a long line of abusers.

Treat the earth well.
It was not given to you by your parents,
It was loaned to you by your children.
We do not inherit the Earth fr

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 6:33pm
Welcome to the board tigress_love and thanks for participating!!





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 2:44am

I agree with everyone else that you are continuing to be abused, not just verbally, but also psychologically and sexually. (Withholding sex for the reasons he is and using porn in front of you the way he does IS sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is not only rape, molestation, etc. It takes other forms, as well.) I was in a marriage that I didn't see for being as abusive as it was for 18 years before I left. (It was another 2 years before the divorce was final. We saw our 20th anniversary before the divorce was final.) You can't see it for what it is until you are out of it. I now know, 10 years later, that my marriage was severely abusive. He abused me verbally, psychologically, sexually, and physically (by pushing, shoving, grabbing, etc. Only once did he actually punch me. Even though the things he did do left bruises, I did not see this for what it was until after I left, too.).

The reason you got involved with another man was BECAUSE of the abuse. I used an affair as my way of exiting my marriage. This is becoming more and more common among abused women. It's far from being the "best" way to leave, but I am thankful that I got out no matter how I did it! What you were looking for and got from your affair was a feeling that you were worthwhile, that you were a person, that you were whole, that you were good. You probably got that as long as you were in the affair. When you left the affair, your h has "punished" you since then with his becoming more abusive than ever. Am I right? I'm pretty sure I am since this is how it was for me, too.

If you don't get out for any other reason, your children are reason enough. I can tell you from observing my own children, the younger they are when you leave, the better off they will be. My oldest was 18yo when we divorced. He's just like his father. My youngest was 11yo when we divorced. He's the polar opposite of his father. The three in between are in varying levels like/dislike their father according to their ages. He is "teaching" them whether they *see* it or not!! You can't hide this kind of abuse from your children.

I would urge you to call the police any time he pushes, shoves, rapes, etc. you between now and when you leave. If he makes any threats to your well being or towards the children's well being or taking them from you or anything like that, log it. Diaries are permitted as evidence in divorce cases in most, if not all, states. If he does ANY of these things, I would further urge you to get a temporary restraining order ASAP. That will give you temporary custody, child support, etc. until you can get a more permanent court order through divorce proceedings.

He will probably go beyond begging you to come back. He may become threatening or something more. Make sure you have a messaging center that will tape record his voice leaving you messages. Do NOT answer his phone calls so that you will have this for proof. Get advice from an attorney ASAP. Ask whether tape recording is permissible in your state or not.

Let me know if there is more I can do to help!

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I am unable to give legal or medical advice. My opinions are based on my experiences and my personal research.


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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 9:41am

As you have stated yourself in your email, when you allow an abusive, destructive relationship to go on, it is not only bad for you, but your children also receive a negative image of their parents and of marriage in general.


There is no reason to stay around and "hope" that somehow, miraculously this man will come around. He sounds as though he is very abusive and also has a serious addiction to porn. He is presently enjoying punishing you, and if you feel guilty or badly about yourself, you will stay around and take the punishment. There is no reason for the punishment to end either, because he feels it is warranted...he needs someone to take his anger out on. Why are you staying in such a demeaning and awful situation?


Unless your husband is willing to face the truth about himself, his addiction, his abusiveness and go for serious help with it, this situation will not get better, but only worsen. I suggest you get yourself good therapy and counseling, and also learn more about abusive relationships and how to get out of them. There are many support groups for abused women available.


Best wishes,