can my husband really change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2011
can my husband really change?
11
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 5:48pm
My husband and I have been together for nearly 8 years and married for 5. I am 30 and he is 37 and we have a 2 1/2 year together and an 8 1/2 year old that is mine from a previous relationship, but whose father has never been in the picture.
Our relationship has been troubled throughout and downright unhealthy since we got married. My husband has been always extremelely emotionally and verbally abusive, often calling me stupid, idiot, dumb, incompetent, incapable on a daily basis. He likes to tell me how to do everything and if I do it "wrong" I am criticized and ridiculed. He often calls me a bad mom, though he rarely helps out with the kids. I have caught him video chatting with women throughout our relationship, as well as emailing and talking on the phone and each time I confronted him about this he has argued that the only reason I have a problem is because I'm insecure. Meanwhile, he often withholds sex and affection from me, saying the more I want it, the less he does. He also quit his job 3 weeks before our wedding and didn't get another full time job until this past June. He decided to get rid of his car 3 years ago and started driving mine, which I paid off 2 years ago. He takes it to work everyday while I drive an old car of my mom's that is on it's last leg and has no air or heat.
I could go on forever about the troubles we have had and the things he's done that have led me to fall out of love with him.
About 2 months ago I began making plans to leave, but decided not to tell him for fear he'd kick me out immediately. However, about a month ago I further complicated things by becoming involved with another man, and a few days ago the relationship became sexual. I am not proud of this, and justify it by telling myself I would never have done it if I was not done with my marriage....but still I know it's wrong.
The guilt if all this got the best of me and a little over a week ago I told my husband I had had enough, was no longer in love, and was in the process of finding another place. Well, he flipped out, started crying and begged me to stay. He swore he'd get help and that he knows he's been a terrible husband. He said that was his wake up call and he thinks we can work on things and get better than ever. In the past week he has been giddy and affectionate and we've had some great talks.....despite the fact I've continued to be upfront about my lack of feelings. The problem is I really feel like I've been burned too many times to ever fall in love with him again. And also don't believe he can truly change for good. However, at the same time I feel like I owe it to the kids and him to give him a chance....even though my heart isn't in it.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 6:15pm

No. He cannot and will not change. Ever.

You did the only thing you could by making plans to leave. You should continue them.

Be prepared for your husband to promise you everything and anything, and just remember they are empty promises to manipulate you into staying with him and suffering his abuse. Abusers NEED a person in their lives to abuse and he will say anything to make you think he will change. Abuse will only get worse from here on.

It's time to follow through with the plans to leave... For yourself and for your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 6:23pm

If he has been this way for 8 yrs, I think it's highly unlikely any change will be permanent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 9:00pm

I would also continue on with your plans of leaving him..

I was married and now divorced from a man just like your husbands.. Everytime I left which was alot during the 8 years of marriage my ex would beg me to come back .. He also said he would change.. He would change just long enough to make me stay

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2011
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 11:52pm
Thank you all for reaffirming my belief that he will not change. He actually did agree that we/he need therapy, and I made us an appointment to see someone this Wednesdsay. As much as he seemed to think we needed to talk to someone, no appointment would've been made if I hadn't made it. I have begged him for at least 4 years to talk to someone and he has always refused. I just feel it's kind of too little, too late. But it does make me feel incredibly guilty to see him so in to me and our family and being so emotional and asking me to please not give up on him...and knowing that I have just about zero faith that he will stay this way. His mother was very abusive of him growing up and I know he blames a lot of these problems on that. And he is being so agreeable, admitting that he has serious problems. But I still feel like too much damage has been done and my feelings are just gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 11:57pm

I love how the hard nosed guys suddenly break down and cry when they hear you've had enough.

An insecure man (that's what he is) isn't going to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2011
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 12:08am
@freeatlast2008...he hasn't shoved me, but a few weeks ago I caught him in my son's face, yelling at him while gripping his hair. I freaked out and told him never to touch my children like that again. He came charging at me bumping me with his chest and getting in my face asking me what I was going to do about it, then he told me I was crazy, he wasn't hurting my son and he knows how hard he can pull without hurting him. He told me I was a psycho and needed to mind my own business and let him parent. Mind you, he is 6 ft., 200 lbs and I am 5 ft, 100 lbs. He got in my face and pretty much dared me to touch him. He then said to me " if you so much as touch me, I swear...." and put his fist up. I have never even pretended to hit him. I'm not the least bit violent and I know better. But this is as close to physical as GE's gotten.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 2:10am

A very good friend of mine was in a similar situation to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 9:01am

I'm with the others -- I don't believe that your DH will change, at least not anytime soon.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 10:25am

With that right there, I would not give the guy another chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 10:54am

Of course you feel guilty!

Pages