Can our marriage be saved???
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| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 12:51am |
To him, I do nothing right. To him, the important things in life are for example: whether there are no dishes in the sink, whether the floor has been swept, whether supper is on the table when he's ready, etc. We cannot enjoy life as long as he is like this.
I work about 45 hours a week and he works about 25. And I have to do 95% of the household chores & outdoor chores, plus take care of DD.
I tried to talk to him tonight, and he wanted to know Why did I wait until now to talk to him....I told him that it was our only time to talk...and he said we weren't talking. We are getting nowhere...he refuses counseling...I don't know what to do.
I have mentioned leaving and he said Okay, then leave. When we went on vacation (he wouldn't go) he called us only once all week, and when we got home he said he wished we would go back on vacation.
I feel like a single mother, but I'm really not. We keep separate checking accounts, and he spends all his $ on hunting, fishing, etc. He bought a $40,000 tractor with the money that was supposed to go towards building our house. And here we are stuck in a trailer probably for as long as we are together because I'm not putting up any $ for a house, if he won't. (nothing against trailers) I make a decent salary, and feel like I deserve more.
Sorry this was so long...things have just piled up and I've kept quiet about all these things...and there are plenty more...but I just can't keep on like this.
I'm not wanting divorce to be the answer, I would like any advice that may help our relationship. Thanks for listening & I'm really sorry it's so long!!
Alison

Pianoguy feels very sad about your situation. It's obvious that the "Prince Charming" you married turned into an UGLY TOAD quickly! . Anyway...
If he has told you and your daughter to leave...call his bluff and leave! There's probably a family member or friend who will take you in...at least temporarily? You can continue to work 45 hours a week and care for your daughter...while eliminating the stress your husband seems to be putting you through!
One of 2 things will probably happen.
1. Your husband will WAKE UP and beg you to come back! (And if you do...get the terms of your reconciliation in writing).
2. Your husband will go to 'hell and a handbasket' even further! He might make the attempt to 'destroy you' along with himself. You might want to consider a temporary restraining order that will keep him away? Or at a specific distance? I'm only guessing here, but I sense that there's a 'violent streak' inside?
Even though divorce ISN'T what YOU want...the 2 most important issues are the welfare of your daughter...and your sanity! Both are in jeopardy the longer you let your irradic husband's behavior continue.
My apologies to any men reading this. BEING A BULLY might be considered (by some) as a masculine form of behavior, but it's a 'cowardly way' to cover up what A MAN LACKS! Working on solving a problem takes a helluva lot more guts---than transferring your frustrations to the woman (and family) who loves you!
Pianoguy
Thank you so much for responding. I have actually left on 2 occasions. The first time, for about a week (after my sister passed away & he was not very sympathetic & also, my mom needed me)...the second time, I left a note. I packed most of mine & my daughter's stuff (so he'd know I was for real). I left and he didn't call for four days. he didn't even ask about our daughter. Finally I called him. The following weekend, I went over to talk to him & we just argued. After another week, I went back, but made him promise to try harder. He tried...for about a month (if that long...I can't remember). And it was back to normal. So I don't think he'd do anything violent if I left. I think he enjoys the house being peaceful and quiet too much while I'm gone.
He has started helping around the house a little. He'll wash dishes occasionally, and cook once in a while. That's about it.
Maybe if I left for a longer time period, and cut off all contact, he would open his eyes. I could also gather my thoughts without his influence.
Thanks for the advice.
I'll keep you posted!
Alison
Some people respond to discussions about their spouse leaving as "fine, do it." The difference is that some say that to save-face...others do mean it.
Don't stay in an unhealthy and unhappy situation for your daughter's sake. I can speak from experience living with my two unhappy parents until they divorced when I was 22 that you aren't doing her any favors by staying. Also, it doesn't provide her with a positive role model as to what marriage should be like.
If you decide to separate, go ahead and give your husband your phone number if you want him to be able to reach you. I might also suggest that you leave him a couple of books to think over in your absence. One book that may help him re-think his priorities, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff." There is a whole series of these books.
Give yourself a chance to see what life is like without all of the criticism and expectations from your husband. It should give you both time to think over your situation and where to go now.
It's funny how we look at our parent's relationships and determine how or how not to bring our children up. My father just up and left when I was 5, my sister was 2. My mother didn't even know where he was for years. I grew up without him, but we had a very happy life, until she remarried when I was a teenager (and she recently got divorced from him). My mother, sister, and I never worried about anything. We just lived for the moment & had a wonderful time together. And I got another sister out of her second marriage, too! (17 years younger)
Even though we had such a good childhood without a father, I still want my daughter to have a "normal" family with mother & father at home because I didn't have that. But maybe it isn't the best thing for her after all. Last night, she pretended to be on the phone talking to the police. She hung up the phone & said he was coming to get her daddy and put him in jail!! But she said he couldn't put her mommy in jail. I asked her why she wanted to put daddy in jail. She said "Cause I don't like him". That was really sad!!!! Sometimes I wish I left when she was 3 months old when he had an affair. Then she would not be affected by all of this.
Anyway, I will keep you guys posted!!
Don't second-guess staying with your husband after your daughter was born. You did what you needed to do. You did what you thought was best for you, your daughter and your marriage. Even if you would've left when she was a baby, she'd still be affected.
She's only 3, but you are seeing how smart children are and how much they "pick up" at such a young age! What they say is true about children being resilient. They can handle things like divorce of parents if the adults handle it well and keep the child as the main focus. I know you would do that from what you've written here. Just do think about what kind of life you will both have if you remain in an unhappy home with a very critical, miserable man.
Good Luck!
Jill
I could imagine being a single mother - just me & my daughter! We'd definitely have a good time!! My husband got home really late the other night, and My daughter and I watched TV together, read, ate ice cream while sitting on the living room floor!! We stayed up until she finally just crashed! It was fun, and we couldn't do those things without him complaining. I didn't have to worry about ANYTHING!
I've got a lot to think about!
I'll keep you posted!
Alison
I'm sorry for the very long message, but your situation has really touched on something personal I feel the need to share with you.
I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but there's little hope of your husband changing. He will only change if he sees that he needs to change. Even then, he's only going to try to change if he is motivated to do so.
I speak from experience on this one, Alison. See, I don't have any children yet, but I was married to a similar kind of man for 9 long, unhappy years. The first 3 years were pretty good, but even then, my husband picked on me. I was at a healthy weight when we married, so he had nothing on me there. Instead, he criticized my clothes, my hair style, hair color, make-up etc. Over time, I became depressed. What little sex life we had to begin with became non-existent after the 3rd year of marriage. Every year became progressively worse. With the depression, I put on weight. This just fueled his fire because then he could pick on me for being unattractive to him. He tried to say this was the reason we had no sex life, but I knew better. (It was ice-cold when I was at my ideal weight). He became more critical, set expectations of me he didn't live up to himself and was down-right verbally abusive to me.
Like you, I worked full-time and did the majority of things needed to keep life going. I had most of the responsibility for cleaning, cooking, maintenance, repair, finances, etc. He went to work and did a few things around the house. He would not leave his comfort zone of what he was willing to take-on. He did criticize what was or was not getting done at home, if I cooked something he wasn't in the mood to eat, if I chose to fix something (I'd get tired of waiting months for him to help me fix major appliances that were leaking/making noise), how I spent money and if I didn't walk our dog every single day!
I tried to talk with him about our problems and he wouldn't listen. He only blamed me for whatever he could. I hit such a low-point in the 6th year of marriage. I finally went to counseling alone (he said he didn't have problems with 'his marriage'). I tried to make changes in the hopes that it would change the bad pattern we were in as a couple. Two years later, our marriage was worse. However, my self-esteem was better and I knew that I didn't need to settle for a horrible marriage. I was ready to let him have his share of the blame for our marital problems. I knew I wanted children...but I didn't want to have them with a man who couldn't even be a good husband to me. What kind of father would he be anyhow? The counseling helped me decide that I would be much better off alone than enduring verbal abuse and unjustified criticism every step of the way.
Know what? He snapped to attention when I informed him I was moving out. At first, he told me, "fine...leave. Don't let the door hit you in the 'butt' on your way out!" Then he wanted to do counseling with me first...before I moved. Know what? By that time, I didn't have problems with "my marriage" because any love I once felt for him had eroded over time. I tried the counseling for about two months. I'd listen to him say the right things to the counselor and make all kinds of promises to try different things. When we'd get home, he implemented 0 to 10% of what he said he'd try and then immediately revert back to badgering me the same way he always did. While he chipped away at me in order to make himself feel better, he just chipped away the positive feelings I once had for him in the process. I saw how selfish he was and how ugly his heart was...and a person can't change that very easily, can they?
My ex-h realized what he had, only when he lost me for good. I will tell you that I was happy, content and secure on my own. It was not easy, going through the divorce. However, it was much better coming home to a quiet apartment without getting the silent treatment, disapproving looks and hurtful comments. I took time to continue my emotional healing during counseling. Even now, there are still emotional scars. I suspect there always will be.
There came a time when I wanted to begin dating again. Know what? I'm getting married this fall to a wonderful man. If I hadn't had the courage to realize that I was being treated poorly and deserved much better, I'd never have met the great man I am happy with today. Today I have things I never dreamed of years ago: a healthy, loving, communicative relationship. I have a man who appreciates what I do and says "thank you," and "I love you" on a daily basis. I also have new-found hope that we may have children together since we both want a family.
It just goes to show you that very good things can come with time.
Again, I didn't mean for this to be so long and personal. I just want you to know that I've been there and done that (lots of men and women have) There can be good things in your future with your daughter. Maybe your spouse will wake up and want to change his ways before it is too late. It would be wonderful if he tried to be the husband and father you and your daughter deserve. If not, then you are better off without being married to him. Life is too short.
Jill
Also, I have goals set for my future. I want a new home & am saving money for one. He works enough to make just enough $ for the few bills he pays & his hunting & fishing expenses. He saves NO money. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but we had $ to put down on building a house. He blew it on a new truck, a new tractor, a boat, and some cows...I'm talking $80,000!! The tractor was 40,000. I was in shock, but he went out and bought these things without discussing any of it with me. We live in a house that costed less than the cows!! and definitely less than the tractor!! And I make a decent salary (I'm an accountant). It's just the fact that he does not consider my feelings in any of this...he does what he wants to do.
I didn't mean to get too detailed about the finances, but I was trying to make a point.
I have so much to think about!! It would be easiest to walk out, but I want to be absolute sure that that is the RIGHT thing to do and that I will have NO regrets. I am glad that you made the right decision & I am very glad that you have met a wonderful man & congrats on your upcoming marriage!!!
I'm considering counseling. I'm going to sit down and talk to my husband as soon as we get a chance, if he'll talk. Then I'm going to mention counseling. I already know he'll say no. But, I'm going to tell him I'm going by myself. I'll let you know how that goes.
Thanks!
Alison
It's amazing how complicated relationships get, isn't it? I'm glad that you plan to talk to your husband again about counseling. I know that you probably can guess how he'll respond to the counseling discussion, but if you are very honest with him, maybe it will make a difference. Only you know how blunt you want to be: You could say something to the effect of the marriage problems have not been settled and have grown out of control. You could be even more direct saying that you are seeking counseling to figure out if your marriage can be saved. You could tell him that you need to figure out what is best for yourself and your dd...there are a number of ways to let him know how critical this is to your marriage.
Definitely take your time on deciding what to do. I was in counseling 2 years before I was honest enough with myself to realize that I needed to begin separation. It's not that it would typically take that long, but it took me that long to know without a doubt that I wanted (and needed) to leave. A good friend of mine once gave me some great advice regarding whether or not to divorce. She advised me to stay until I knew that I didn't want to be married anymore. The reasoning for this is that you never know how the other person will react. If you make a rash decision, you may not be able to turn-back time. That was good advice because the uncertainty that comes with break-ups can be scary when you are married, especially when kids are involved.
The fact that he is making gigantic money decisions without your input is completely unacceptable, in my opinion. You are right, he is behaving selfishly and not giving any thought to your goals or dreams. I certainly don't want to over-step my bounds here, but if I were in your shoes, I'd have a separate savings account. Heck, you're an accountant, I am not telling you anything you don't already know!!! =0)
Alison, do keep me posted. What you are going through is not easy. Just remember that your efforts, feelings, contributions and dreams do count! Also, it sounds like you are the one putting your dd as #1. Don't sacrifice what you want in life (for you and your daughter) in order for your husband to always have his way.
Let me know how things go...
Jill