Can people change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Can people change?
1
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:58pm
If someone would have told me 2 months ago that I would be searching the web to find answers to my situation I would have thought they were nuts. I would have never thought in a million years that I would be at this place in my life, but here I am. I feel betrayed, mad, revengeful, sad and like I will never trust anyone again.

My husband of 15 years has recently told me that he has messed around. The guilt got to him where he couldn't stand it anymore so he told me. He has been sick about and is depressed and can't eat...poor thing (mad).

We do not drink a lot, but do go out and socialize occasionally. There have been a few times where my husband drinks to the point where he can't remember his name or know where he is...he gets that stare that you know he really it's looking at you because he can't focus...it seems to only when he drinks hard liquor. Our friends and I have even made jokes about this.

Well this is how the messing around happened. He was at a party, drunk on hard stuff and someone was rubbing up to him at a party. He doesn't even remember if they had sex. She was a "friend" and he was my best friend (betrayed)makes me sick. The girl had a rep. for messing around with whoever, and not to sound mean, but nobody really worried because she is an extremely unattractive person. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

My husband didn't have a lot of girlfriends in his life and i just thought of him is my nice little farm boy. i never saw this coming ever.

this happened at a time when things were not great in the marriage. Pressures of jobs, money and parenting were taking their toll and somewhere along the line we must of forgot how to communicate.

I always thought if someone messed around on me I would boot him out. And now here I am, looking for answers. I love him and i know he loves me, but I am having a heck of a time trying to get the visuals out of my head. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I know the booze played a big part in this, but it doesn't make it right. Can people really change? Can I trust that he goes out and gets drunk like that again he will not cheat? nobody goes out and plans to get that drunk so what happens if it happens again? I'm not playing booze police...it's not fair. Does the pain and hurt ever go away? Are all marriages worth saving?

I feel that he is not the person I married at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 4:17pm
If you want to work through this, I suggest you go to marriage counseling to deal with his drinking, his betrayal and your anger so you can determine if you can rebuild trust.

Reading material:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

My best to you. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie