can this relationship be saved?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2007
can this relationship be saved?
2
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:05am
i am currently living with my boyfriend of almost four years, although i sleep in the bedroom, and he has put up a cot in our back room. we were fighting for several months over stupid issues, more or less because he was going through a difficult time and felt that i wasnt being supportive or sensitive, and i was working at a dead-end job that caused me to be very depressed and take out all of my problems on him. eventually he told me that he didnt love me as a girlfriend anymore, although he cared for me very much, and wanted to end the relationship. obviously, there are a lot of issues at hand that i dont have the time to type out here, but i want to know -- how do i save this relationship? how can i rekindle the love we once had, before our lease is up on the first of november. i know that the love is there, but its a matter of showing him that im not going to hurt him with my insensitivity. im willing to give him his space and allow him to be himself, and we have agreed not to date other people. we often spend nights together eating dinner and watching a movie, and spend every weekend together as well. it hurts me sometimes to let him go, because at a time like this, i want to cling to him even more because of my fear of losing him. am i doing the right thing? is there hope for us?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:11am

The real question should be, "why do I want to save this relationship?"

You don't think you deserve better than to be the only one trying to sweep up this mess and trying to "rekindle" a relationship with someone who doesn't love you or want to be with you?

Of course he still has feelings for you, you've been together four years. But if he were willing to give you a chance or allow you to show him that you're not going to hurt him, he wouldn't have broken up with you.

It's a difficult thing for a person to say "I don't love you anymore." Take him at his word, and let him end the relationship. I hate to say it this way but fighting for someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore will never work in your favor, and you will lose a lot of self-esteem in the process.




Edited 7/25/2007 8:12 am ET by eggbertshootsfire
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 9:51am

Let him know that you realize you were wrong and are very sorry for your unkind behavior. More than that, tell him you plan to work it out so that it never happens again and are seekng therapy for it, and so that you can grow strong. This will show him that you are serious and not just playing games. Tell him you understand why he doesn't trust you, but you plan to become really trustworthy and strong. Then do it. Work on yourself. Get a therapist. We can't see many of our own patterns, and even