Can someone define the word "friendship"
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| Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:08pm |
I have a small problem. I was dating a female who runs a business here in our town. After being intimate with her for 2 months, she decided to disclose the fact that she had an overseas boyfriend. She carried on about how horrible he was, he had no communicattive skills and didnt care about his woman here in the states. I was shocked however agreed to continue the relationship with this female. She told me she had decisions to make and wanted to "roll" with things between us to see where it took us. Several weeks later, she asked for space and became weird. I inquired as to her feelings and emotional state but she was clammed up. Finally, I went over to her home and sat with her for several hours. We went over all the feelings, attachment and emotional flare ups she and I were having. She told me she was struggling with intimacy due to not having any closure with her boyfriend or in not knowing how she would feel about him when he came home in October. I am not a fan of being "friends with benefits" so I told her that was not an option and if she was getting to attached to me with intimacy; That we should be friends and continue our friendship until she could striaghten her life out. I left the door open for something in the future should she decide to seperate from him however, I never wait or put my life on hold for such.
My problem is that her version of friendhsip must be way different than that of mine or the one we are raised in knowing from childhood. I call and call her but receive no response. It is to the point where when I call her, if she is not home, leaving messages becomes futile. When we were intimate, she was so warm and caring and loving. Now, as friends, its like she cannot handle any form of relationship with me. She admitted to her guilt and that she was falling for me because she was happy and comfortable with me. She also feared me because in her eyes, I was "normal" and represented security, love and companionship and that scared her. She told me she wants to open up and be with me but without closure and knowing for sure about him, it is causing her pain, guilt and harm. I can understand this but agreeing to be friends just doesn't seem to fit into my definition. I thought friends could openly converse, relay problems for advice and hang out. She wont go to private places with me because we get intimate when alone. We are left with public places but now, we dont even do that. There is no communication or meeting at all. Why is she going through this and what causes it? I know I have done everything right and showed her things most women would die for. What the hell does being afraid of "normalcy" mean? Why would she cower to her emotions if she feels good and loved with me? I know I cannot push someone into having a relationship with me when they are already committed but would that committment cause this mess? Why does she run away from her "feeling good and happy" emotions around me? Why wont she even talk to me now? Have I done something wrong?
This is blowing my mind and is causing major confusion on my end. Does guilt, remorse or pain cause people to do this? I have never cheated so I dont know. Is she emotionally immature and unable to handle a friendhsip with me because of our feelings and attraction towards each other when together? Can you shed some light on this dark and mystifying situation. I saw a lot of good in her and would hope that things could have progressed into a more meanignful relationship however, with this roller coaster ride of emotions she is on, I cannot be sure of what she is experiencing. I cannot even talk to her to discover what is ailing her. What can I do to make our friendship real and formed to that of mature adults? Thank you and God Bless...........
Tom

::What the hell does being afraid of "normalcy" mean?
She's afraid of something good. She's got issues.
::Why would she cower to her emotions if she feels good and loved with me?
Because she's not ready to end it with her boyfriend.
::I know I cannot push someone into having a relationship with me when they are already committed but would that committment cause this mess?
Yes. Emotional confusion. Torn. Yes it would cause this mess.
::Why does she run away from her "feeling good and happy" emotions around me?
Because she doesn't think she deserves it, doesn't feel worthy of it, she's not broken if off with the other guy.
::Why wont she even talk to me now?
Because it makes her feel worse about her self. She's cheated on her boyfriend. Which means she's not honest and she's a liar. And you are a reminder of that indiscretion. A reminder of what life could be like. A reminder that she has unfinished business.
::Have I done something wrong?
Hmm, that's a loaded question. Look at it this way, if you were overseas would you want your girlfriend having sex with someone else? You've just told the *universe* (by sleeping with her after you knew she was in a relationship) that it's ok for women in relationships to cheat, lie, and be dishonest, because you didn't walk away. Well, maybe I'm wrong. As Erin says, People do what they want to do based on their values, morals, character....
As much as you want to understand and retain a friendship, it's time to let go and move on. Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie