Can "space" be a good thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Can "space" be a good thing?
3
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:09pm

My boyfriend and I have been together a little shy of three months, though it's been a very intense three months. At the beginning of the relationship, I wasn't really ready to be exclusive, but he asked for that and so we were; he also wanted us to spend every night together, and I have gotten very used to looking forward to seeing him every night. We are both very strong personalities with lives outside of one another, but as we spent more and more time together a lot of those other interests became subsumed into feeling like we had to be together all the time. I love him very much and I know that he loves me, too: we have a lot in common and enjoy our friendship just as much as we do the sex.

This past weekend, though, I felt that things were getting strained and then yesterday he sent me an email saying that he feels I am not his "soul-mate" and that we should break up. We met face-to-face last night to discuss his concerns, and he said that he needs more space, and though he has asked for it before, he feels that I have not been willing to give it to him. He said he has been giving me all his free time to make me happy, and ignoring his own needs has made him *un*happy. I thought I had been giving him whatever he asked, though obviously I haven't been.

When he says he "needs space", I hear "go away!" when I want to be reassured that he loves and cares about me. I would rather hear "I'm going to my poker game tonight with the guys. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow."

We concluded the conversation with an agreement to try to allow each other more time alone, beginning with these three days apart and spending the day together on Saturday. My questions about all of this are whether this problem can be overcome, how to go about the conversation in which we renegotiate the format of our relationship, and just what effect these days apart will have on him.

Thanks so much in advance for your thoughts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:13pm

yes, space can be a good thing....

depending on what a good thing is to you.

to me, the only reason a guy asks for space is because he doesn't want to be with you, he'd rather be by himself. why would you want to be with someone who has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with you and that you are not his 'soul mate.'

it is a polite way of saying, "i don't want to be together with you anymore and i'd like to be available if someone else comes along that i do want to be with."

many times that person has already come along and they just want to be free to start dating them.

sorry you have to go through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:37pm

IMO the root of your problem is that your romance is less then 3 months long and it was unwise to trust it could have maturely developed to "true love" by such an early point...i believe the "seeds" of love can be sown early in a courtship, but to conclude its "love" too soon can be a recipe for failure in my experience...becoming "exclusive", vowing "love" too quickly, IMO, can be the key to a romance falling apart...as has happened with your romance, one or the other can begin to feel overwhelmed and/or smothered around this stage (3 months) IF the romance was pushed too fast (IMO).

theres something to be said for enjoying a hesitant courtship.

if this man is saying aloud to you that he has discovered you are not his "soulmate" and that he wants to "break up", i'd take him at his word...i would be skeptical that you can turn this around.

i'm sorry that this man led you on with false hopes...IMO he was remiss to encourage exclusivity prematurely, it was unfair to you for him to lead you on that way...because it seems its very possible he may be wanting to seek another woman, to find his "soulmate"...i'd even wonder if he already has a new woman hes interested in.

to answer your question, i suppose "space" could help...though its *my* opinion the "space" should have been given these past months and it *may* be too late for a
"do-over"...i have no experience with my man asking for "space", so i can't speak directly on that....for *me*, if he asked for space, i'd worry it was the beginning of the end...i'm sorry to seem pessimistic about this, i hope it turns out for the best!

i hope this works out for you!

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 4:01pm

Welcome to the board ejgryphon2006,


Space can a be good. Everyone needs time to themselves. So it makes sense that your bf is asking for that. If I were you, I would just try to relax and go with the flow of things for a while. Give him the space he is asking for. See each other as planned on Saturday and then see how things go after that. If you aren't comfortable with giving him the space he wants or if you feel like he is wanting too much space, than this relationship probably isn't the right one for you.


Good luck.


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