Can this still work??
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Can this still work??
| Tue, 11-13-2007 - 6:36pm |
H and I have been married for almost 8 yrs and have 2 boys.
| Tue, 11-13-2007 - 6:36pm |
H and I have been married for almost 8 yrs and have 2 boys.
Welcome to the board camsmom93,
We just recently had a post on the Break-up board about the relationship ending due to her bf's online games addiction.
::H threatens to take my 4 y/o and leave and move in with his parents.
I'm not going to belittle you. It's understandable that, when faced with a relationship that made you feel insignificant and unhappy, you turned to someone else who made you feel the way you deserve to feel. You know it's not right, but I don't need to reiterate that to you because you're remorseful and instead of asking "which guy should I choose?" you've ended the affair and chosen to look forward into your marriage.
If he doesn't want to see a counselor then it's probably over. Not because of your relationship... But because it shows that he doesn't think he has anything to change, and the fact is, he played a huge part in why you had an affair. Ultimately the responsibility is yours but it obviously wouldn't have happened if he was treating you well.
I'm not here to tell you to stay with him or divorce him, but if he can't go to counseling then you should, individually. It will help give you the tools to cope with how you feel and come to a decision.
It's not up to you to make him change; if he is interested in saving the marriage then he will eventually have to treat you better but I think you two need to come to an agreement on what to do. Does HE want this to work? If his heart isn't in this anymore then there isn't really an answer for your marriage; he needs to really want to work to get this back where it was. I know you'll help him as much as you can but you can only lead him 99% of the way. Good luck!
I can understand and sympathize with what you have gone through. My guess is that this guy is very young on the emotional level and needs to learn how to be more authentic in his communication, more whole within himself, and less needy. He needs to grow up and learn to stand on his own two feet, emotionally speaking.
The trust issue is something that is very delicate and easily broken, as you have experienced. Being alone with your inner thoughts and brooding on what you did is not healthy. I would hope for you to be in regular contact with an older female mentor, who can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. Someone you trust and admire.
In terms of the relationship itself, it would be good if you can find a way to honestly talk with him about whether you are both committed to salvaging this relationship and whether you are both ready to face the uncomfortable task of rebuilding trust. It is not going to be a picnic, as you already know in what you are going through. And you cannot sweep this under the carpet.
Rebuilding trust will require each of you to get real clear on who you are -- and what your real choices are. It will require you each to address what has happened until it is emotionally resolved in both of you -- and you can truly move on with a deeper sense of knowing each other.
Right now you are left with his verbal attacks and empty threats. And I have no idea what is going on his head right now. He needs to vent, and you need to let him. You need to change your focus from him and what he is doing -- to focus instead on yourself and the feelings that are coming up in you. You change your idea of what needs to happen from getting him to be different -- to instead see that what needs to happen more than anything is for you to heal these old wounds in yourself. Change your focus. Change your idea of what needs to happen to improve your life. Then commit to doing the work to get that healing inside yourself.
If the two of you decide to rebuild, I suggest the books that was mentioned above. It might assist you to use this as an occasion to truly build a real and meaningful relationship -- and to build the skills and emotional maturity you each need to bring to the table to create that kind of lasting relationship.