Can we be fixed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2007
Can we be fixed?
4
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 10:06am
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. The first six months of course were wonderful, as most all couples go through that "honeymoon" stage. But we both believe thats not what our connection was, it was more than that. we related to each other, we connected like we never have with anyone before. We truely believe we fell in love. Our problem now is we fight all the time. We can't go more than a couple days without fighting. and I mean major blowouts! We both want to go back to the way we used to be, we still love each other and believe we can make this work, but everything we try fails. We don't want to just give up, but we each have kids that are also involved. How can we get rid of our stupid anger and go back to enjoying each other?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 10:18am

You're fighting because the honeymoon wore off (as you suspected) and you've probably learned that, all things considered, when that temporary giddy-in-love connection wore off, you simply didn't have the REAL connection you thought you had.

I think it's important to know what kind of stuff you're fighting about. If you're fundamentally incompatible, then you will never be able to resolve fights or have constructive arguments. If you're fighting just over little things or misunderstandings, then maybe you need to learn how to communicate and speak one another's language better.

I will say that after a year, having constant blowouts is not a good sign for your relationship. The honeymoon wears off for everyone, but perpetual fighting is an indication that you're probably not meant to be together. You're in the "real test" stage where you realize whether or not you're growing together, and if underneath all of the honeymoon stage, you're compatible people.

Do you really want to go back to where you were? That doesn't fix the problems you're having now. Getting back to the people you were in the honeymoon phase sounds like a nice idea but realistically it doesn't happen. And if it does, you're moving backwards and avoiding the future of the relationship. Focus on where you are now and where you're going. If you're not happy with one another now, seeing the REAL person deep down, I'm not sure it will last much longer.

Fighting that much is almost always the prelude to a breakup. I've been through it many times, now it's very easy for me to tell when a relationship is on its last legs. We all try to fix things but we can only go so far.




Edited 10/15/2007 10:24 am ET by eggbertshootsfire
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 10:20am

Without knowing the details of what you are fighting about it's hard to say if you can get back to what it was before. One thing I do know that communication is the key. You both have to be willing to sit down and just talk, no fighting, no complaining, just talk. Make the rules up ahead of time and both of you have to be willing to abide by them. Professional help may also be an answer.

With my last SO we went through the same thing, all we could do is fight. When I tried to work things out, he wasn't willing to just open up the communication. He felt he had never done anything wrong, therefore it was all my fault. The relationship ended.

LG
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 11:34am

Welcome to the board janelles1,


I think whether or not you can be fixed boils down to what you are fighting over and whether you can learn to communicate better. If you have fundamental differences in the way you view things, then it probably can't be fixed. But if

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 1:23pm

Welcome to the board janelles1,


Without knowing what you fight about, it's hard to give advice.