Can we get through this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Can we get through this?
1
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 12:25pm
Hi. This is my first time here and I think I am posting on the right bit. If not, i appologise! Basically me and my partner (we are lesbians) have been together now for 7 years. i met her in a pub, and to be fair it was quite clear she wasn't the most stable of people to meet. she was my first girlfriend, and to be honest probably my last. there has always been three of us in this relationship, me, her and her beer. i remember in the early days how she would literally spend all of her money in pubs, coming home remorseful and full of apologies. i loved, and still love, her and forgave her completely. it went on and on. i remember one particularly dark moment when she was out drinking and i sat at home crying over the copper jar trying to count out enough to buy some electric. anyway, this is not a sob story. it got worse, i defended her. she then lost her driving licence, i had to lie to my parents about what was going on. she lost her licence for the second time, narrowly escaping a jail sentence, i was there throughout. while all this is going on she was fighting for access to her children, again, i took time off work, spent about six months sitting around court waiting rooms and doing overtime to make up the loss in wages. over the last two years i have been wondering whether this has all gone too far and i should cut my losses so to speak. until easter this year, when out of the blue her 14 year old daughter decided to move in with us. so she did. but all the responsibility feels like its left down to me all the time. i work quite late and its the normal thing to happen for me to come in after work and her daughter to be at a friends house while she is out drinking. i dont drink myself, not because i have a problem, its just not something that i enjoy doing, and to be honest i have seen enough drunkeness to last me a life time. Its so hard to understand, i know that whatever i do the drinking is always going to be there, i feel as if i am withdrawing from the situation, but also feel some kind of moral responsibility to her daughter. every penny i earn goes on the house and bills and food. there is no imput from anyone else. there is a history of alcoholism in her family. and although she has never ever hit me, when she comes home drunk there is a lot of verbal abuse. we certainly dont have fights or loud arguments but she is not the nicest person to meet. i am so tired, my wages are keeping three people now and i have lost all pleasure in life. i dont enjoy work anymore because i am so tired, and i dread comming home. she doesnt seem to understand how it makes me feel. we have very little physical relationship. i have thought about keeping a diary of her drinking and my feelings and making her read it maybe once a month but i dont want to use bullying tactics. i just want her to understand how much i want to make our home, and new found family work. if i cant do it then i have given 7 years of my life to a lost cause. i do love her and feel so protective of her, and i know she will always have an issue with drinking but i am sure we can work around that and i would never dream of demanding her to stop becasue there is no point. i do wish though that she understood how i feel. i am supposed to be a part of this not just a provider. i would love to hear your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 9:31pm

The alcohol will always come first - there is no compromise - she won't get it no matter what you say or do and you are currently enabling her to abuse you and neglect her daughter as well as not take any responsibility for herself.

Until she is completely sober she will never understand what she has done and she does not appear inclined to become sober. You can't "work around" this level of alcoholism. You have two choices, stay and let her further drain the life out of you or leave. As painful as it might be to leave, your heart will eventually heal. Believe it or not our hearts have a tremendous capacity to heal and through all the pain there is hope of something better.

You may want to get information on alcoholism.

Good luck to you.