Can we go back?
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| Wed, 10-31-2007 - 1:07pm |
Recently separated, 9 months. My X (husband in process of a divorce), sent me papers after I moved out and got an IUD inserted, me thinking of my future and having sex again oustide our marriage.
The reason I moved out, I lived in a marriage of 17 years, totally controlling, and abusive fighting, when I would resist his verbal abuse, attempt to leave, to not fight, he'd take my keys and refrain me from leaving, if I would leave he'd chase me in his truck, I tried to escape to our camper in the yard, and he found me and drug me out by my legs, he had me followed, interrogated me, wrote my mileage down, accused me of fictisous affairs, that one day I decided that I might as well have an affair, if after 17 years he can't trust me, than why should I trust myself. I did have an affair that I have not admitted to him. It is no longer going on, but the man involved was continually harrassed by my soon to be X, that he didn't want anything to do with me. He continually harrassess my room mate, and still the man I had an affair with, to the point that his daughter is afraid of my X, and doesn't even like to come over and play with her friend/my daughter, beacuse of his behaviors.
He's still attempted to control my life, after I left. telling me what my responsibilities are with our kids (15 & 10), shared custody arragngements, having financial problems, I moved in with a male room mate, not a relationship, but he doesn't obviously like him, but it works for me. He'd stalk me. Follow me to bars and take my photos sitting next to male friends, start verbal fights, he even stopped in a bar one night after hunting and took my keys to my truck, and insisted that I leave with him.
He'd call my house every 5 minutes and leave rude comments on my answering machine. totalling 6-8 messages, verbally abusive messages. He'd call me at work when I asked him not to, to try to discuss things, and he coulcn't realize that it is not an appropriate place to discuss things, he'd have his mother follow me and watch me, and document every visitor, how long they'd stay...etc... she is a big part of my leaving him.
SOOOOOOOOOOO now the real question, I still love him. How can I love someone so much that treated me like this? Can I forgive him and will he change? He tells me he is "willing to do anything" but then his next actions prove to me that he is his same self.
I've never been allowed to have friends or go out. suddenly that is important to me, and when I pursued that, he told me how bad I was to want to go out to the bars, and tell me how awful my friends are, because they sit in the bars, and that it is not " respectable" to "OUR MARRIAGE" even after he served me papers!

Welcome to the board northernalfresco,
This is an abusive relationship. Very abusive. He is never going to change. If you do get back together with him he will go back to the way he was. I bet if you think back you will recognize a pattern his behavior. First things will be fine and all lovely, then something will happen (he isn't happy with something you did) and things will start to turn bad until he finally snaps and abuses you.
In all honesty, I can see him killing you if you go back to him. You are never going to be able to make him happy. It just can't be done with men like this.
My dad was abusive like this and abused all three of his wives.
Please consider checking out this board Recognizing and dealing with domestic violence http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting
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Welcome to the board northernalfresco,
"He tells me he is "willing to do anything" but then his next actions prove to me that he is his same self. "
This says it all, doesn't it?
I agree that you need counseling. It is not normal or healthy to want someone back after such severe and repeated abuse.
Congratulations, you have taken the first step to creating a new and happy life for yourself. Your love for this man is temporary. It will fade and in time you will TRULY be happy with your decision to leave.
Unfortunately it seems to me as though your soon-to-be-ex could say "I'll change, take me back" and you would. That's scary and dangerous. Please find a counselor who will help you commit yourself to staying away from him and looking forward to a better life without him.