Can you change a person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2008
Can you change a person?
8
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 10:53pm

I am dating a certain young man. He has several traits that make me wonder if i should end the relationship half the time. In the past he has been willing to change or adapt and he is very kind and loving so i decided to give him a chance. The problem is, once in a while he feels controlled and not loved for the way he is. I agree with him, I cannot love him the way he is. However, i find that i spend time trying to smile and not get irritated by him so i now wonder if i should just let it go. I will list a few issues i have and his responses to them.


The good:


He is generous, kind, loving,


The bad:


He has bad breath. I will crawl up to put my head on his chest, and he will breathe and i get a whiff of bad breath. I saw him brush his teeth one day with a sliver of toothpaste. I tried to hint that he use more toothpaste but he does not believe he needs it. I felt bad to say "Well you do your breath stinks so i just smiled and walked way". We also had the same arguement about ordering foods with onions. He does not see the reason not to. At this time i honestly told him because onion causes bad breath and if you have a partner you like to kiss you have to be mindful.


We have had an ongoing arguement about him going out with his friends. Two issues for me here. One he has two friends that are single and not able to maintain any relationships with females. All they do is go out to bars a few times a week. i think it's because they are lonely or have nothing better to do. Any time they call to ask him to go out he would like to just drop everything and go. I have tried explaining to him that mature adults no longer do that. We all did when we were young, he is in his mid 40s. In your mid 40 you no longer just go out because someone called and said hey lets meet up. You reason things out according to your current situation, i.e i am spending time with my girlfriend. I have financial obligations therefore i cannot afford it right now how about another time. His arguement, "my going out does not affect anything or the relationship. i saw you yesterday and will see you tomorrow so it doesn't matter". His license plate expired last november. he has been pulled over many times for it and got 150$ ticketes each time. Anyway, i tried explaining to him that my not wanting him to go out is not about me wanting to control him. I get put off, because he comes across as an irriesponsible adult who does not use good judgement.


He was married before and he has two kids. I have never been married and have no kids. He has made up his mind that he wants to get married again and spend the rest of his life with me. However, he does not want to have any more kids. He does not want to deal with crying babies and changing diapers again. I understand this is his right . However i have let him know that once i am done with my MBA, i would like to have at least one child. We can break up now or enjoy the things we like about each other and just let the relationship die at some point. My problem is, he claims to love me very much and does not want to lose me, but he can't make the sacrifice of changing diapers just one more time.


Lastly he thinks i am too serious and he would like me to change my personality and have more fun. I think he is very petty and frivolous. He needs to take some things a bit more serious. He has large sums of debt. Does the bare minimum to stay employed. I have no debt, save money, invest money, and get promotions and merit raises at work.


Some one needs to change or should we cut our losses and move on?


P.S I do go out with friends sometimes and try to go out with him to accomodate his personality.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 11:23pm

There's too much you want to change. You want him to grow up and be responsible at the age of 40.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 06-07-2008 - 11:40pm

Welcome to the board charcell,


No you can't change a person. They have to want change themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2008
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 11:14am

Charcell, Hi !

===============================================
Women marry their man wishing he would change.
Men marry their woman wishing she wouldn't.
===============================================

Your guy's points:

Good side : caring, loving.
Bad side : divorsed with kids, does not want kids, not ambitious, not in a healthy
financial condition, not educated like you.
* Bad breath could be dealt with, if you make it a habit to brush your teeth
together.

However, This is what truly worries me :
Your way of describing him reveals that you do not respect his personality,
achievements, appearance, life goals etc.

This union seems like a compromise. Is this temporary ? Could he change? Could you change,
e.g. meet him somewhere in the middle? You know better if this is worth it.

However, the kids issue and the financial support issue would worry me.

Best of luck xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 9:48pm

>>Lastly he thinks i am too serious and he would like me to change my personality and have more fun. I think he is very petty and frivolous. He needs to take some things a bit more serious.<<


Charcell, I think this sums up the problem entirely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 2:24am

He may love you, or think he does, but that isn't enough. You need to have compatible priorities, desires, motivation, expectations, and chemistry....seems you don't have any of that. It won't work long term. The issues you have with him now will only grow more unbearable. And, if you want children, it should be glaringly clear you need to find someone who does because even if you force this man into getting you pregnant, he will resent you for it and you will regret it one day.

Find the right man. This isn't it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 7:11am
His pros are summed up in three words, while his cons take several paragraphs. It's clear that you're not as compatible with this guy as you should be. No you cannot change another person, and his negative traits for the most part will be with him forever.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 1:42pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2008
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 10:03am

Thank you all for replying.


I should have worded my question a bit better. I have no desire to change a person, but he would like to change so we can be together. He had asked me to change a few things as well. However, what i notice is he will try for a week or two and then he gets frustrated. I feel bad for not accepting him for who he is. I agreed to try things out with him. It's been 10 months and we are happy in some areas of the relationship. We both will have a melt down because of our differences every once in a while. I think, if he is happy with who he is, all he has to do is go out and find the right girl who can just love him the way he is. He sincerely was willing to change to be with me. He is a good guy who just happens to have been raised differently than i was. Add to that he does not want to start a family with me either. I personally find that to be a deal breaker. He had said it was open when we started dating, but now he is sure that it will never happen. I am buying a house on my own, and keeping my eyes open for the right person for me. He states he loves me and would hate to lose me. Not sure I understand people who claim to love someone that much and still want to be with the person even though there is many differences. Some of which have no happy middle. Before we call it quits he would like to try going to a counsilor to see if we can work on our differences. I will try it because he is good to me and he is willing to try.


Thanks


Charcell