Can you fall in love again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Can you fall in love again?
2
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 9:57pm
Thank you in advance!
I have been with my husband for 10 years. We have 4 children, technically, he has 3, I was previously married. I have not felt” in love" with my husband for many years now. When we were married, I believe it was for all the wrong reasons. I was looking for someone who was the total opposite of my first husband and needed sanity and security. Now that has become very boring. We are two totally different people with the only thing in common is the children we have. I think I was in love when we got married and we had a good first few years together. In the last year, I have said that I wanted a divorce on several occasions. He thinks we can still work on it but doesn't want me to stay for reasons outside of being in love. I have told him that I am not in love and never was on the same level with him as I was my first husband (I didnt say it in a mean way, open conversation) I have also started having an emotional affair with a married man and it was my feelings for him that really set of a bell in my head that my marriage is so devoid of love, but only on my side of things. My husband loves me very much. I know to give our relationship a chance, I need to do away with my affair and focus on my marriage. I feel like it is such an uphill battle and for what? I am really just doing it to keep my "happy little family". Kids aside, I would have been gone along time ago. I feel like my emotional affair is keeping me above water. I crave the feelings I get from being around him.
So can you ever fall in love with someone you never really were in love with? I do not respect my husband at all and that is something that we are working on as well.
Any advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:15am

Welcome to the board darkntwisty,


I do think people can fall in love again, however, I see two problems that could prevent this from happening again. Those problems are that you say you were never in love with him and that you don't respect him. You had to have felt some kind of love for him in order to marry him and have children with him. In order to rekindle those feelings, you are going to have to try. It seems though like you have already given up. Would you be willing to try and save your marriage?


You could look into marriage counseling and individual counseling for you. Do you know why you don't respect your husband? Is this something you can overcome and learn to respect him again?


Also it is important to end the emotinal affair if you want to work on your marriage.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2007
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:38am
Thank you for your reply. I admit, there must have been something there when it all started, right? I do feel like I have given up to a large degree. We have done marriage counseling, we both do individual etc. My lack of respect for him developed over the years because of his lack of control of his emotions, being co dependent and now over the last year or so, he has become emotionally/verbally abusive. He recognizes this and is trying to work on it. I however have to really wonder if it is too little too late. The latest event is he decided we should spend two weeks apart though whenever I mention separating, he throws a fit and says it means it is just over. So for the next week, I am supposed to have my 4 kids on my own here and there ( I Am trying to turn it into a fun vacation for them since it is spring break) and then the following week I am on my own. It puts me in a weird situation because I work from home and didn't really have anywhere to take them. So now I have to explain taking two weeks off to my clients. HE works from home as well and he can't work remotely like I can. Very strange. I half heartedly agreed to it though but I am not sure what it will accomplish besides me becoming very resentful and the poor timing of it all. Anyway, thank you again!