Can you help me!!
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:39pm |
I really need the advice of women. I am a man and didn't no where else to go. I'm sorry I am crashing these boards but I could really use help. Here's my situation below (warning: its a little bit of a long read) but I really need advice. Please please help
In the fall of 2001 I fell in love with the most wonderful woman I'd ever met. We dated until the summer of 2003. We broke up (initiated by me) because I was starting graduate school (a one year program with no guarantee of where I'd be after a year) in the city we lived in and she was relocating to her home city (hours away) to pursue her education. I felt we should separate because 1) I have a bad history with long distance relationships 2)Everything in the future was so ambiguous 3) We were both young and inexperienced when we met (24 and 23 years old) and I thought a little time apart would ensure us that if we did get back together it would be for all the right reasons.
After breaking up we stayed close and talked every day pretty much til the end of the year. During that time she visited the city where I lived 3 times and we saw each other. There were still so many feelings there and each visit ended with a lot of tears and pain of being apart. In January I lined up my job for post-graduation (in June) and could see my life coming together (I'm now almost 27 she is 26). I called her and said I wanted to visit on Valentine's Day so we could see what was still there and discuss how things could work between us if that's what we wanted (like her being able to relocate to be with me after her school is done in June 2005). She said no because 1)she thought it was a long-shot to work out because she still had a year and a half of school and couldn't be sure she'd want to leave her home city to move with me 2) she felt like she needed experience and didn't want to come back to me because its all she knows 3) she was so afraid of feeling pain like she did when we broke up
Since that discussion we talked less but still remained good friends
Here is my problem--about five weeks ago she started dating a guy who is now her boyfriend. She won't tell me much about the relationship but from what I gather I'm afraid its serious. I am very scared. We talked the other night and I said I couldn't call her for a while because I needed to absorb things and didn't want to let my jealousy and hurt make me say stupid things.
I am very concerned because at our age relationships can move fast. I know she has pressure from family/friends to be married. Although I know feelings for me are strong and still there. Even when she first told me about the guy after a couple of weeks I got upset and asked if she liked him more than me. She refused to answer. And I said is it just that I am not in the same location as you. And she said yes and almost started to cry. The guy is a little older and is probably ready to settle down to. I can't imagine a life for me without this woman in it and I feel like that it is happening. I am so scared that in 10 months she's going to call me to tell me she's engaged.
I don't know what to do. I feel like now that things are settled our timing might be better and we could be together and be happier than we even were before (and we were very happy). Only thing is this would require her to move from her home city to be with me (my job means I have to be on the east coast for at least 2-3 years). And she is now very happy being back in her home city (ironically i recommended she go to school there because I knew she would be).
I feel like if i say anything she'll tell me she feels like she needs to give her new relationship a chance and that she sees her life in her home city. I feel like if I don't say anthing I'll lose her. Whearas last summer everything was so up in the air now things have changed and I think its worth she and I giving it a chance. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm sure all her friends/family in her home city would tell her to forget about me and move on with this guy and say that I'm just jealous.
But I fear that this guy is not deserving of the great woman she is (although I don't know him) and that she's going to just settle because of the marriage pressure. I would hate to have her and I both end up with people that don't make us as happy in the long run because it was easier in the short run.
I am a good, educated man and care about this woman deeply. But I am so confused. Am I just jealous? Or am I legitimatley freaking out because I see someone I should be with slipping away from me?
WHAT DO I DO???? I NEED HELP--I NEED THE ADVICE OF WOMEN
thank you for reading
-mm

While I realize you have some incredible feelings for this woman, you might be wise to view what you had together as one of many chapters in your life story. It's pretty obvious that you'd like to "try again", but the road map in each of your lives has changed. Your former g/f is involved with someone whom she loves...and apparently, loves her just as much.
It's very difficult for you to accept this because she has made the choice to "move forward"...and subsequently, AWAY FROM YOU! You're smart enough to realize that changes are inevitable whenever you're distanced from the people you love. Since you originally instigated the split and indicated that a long-distance relationship wouldn't work out...your former g/f looked "closer to home" for a companion.
Here's some food for thought...
If you can remain good friends...I guess that's good? But the long-distance problem between you will always be present. Your career is on the east coast and your former g/f is happy to be in her hometown. And she's in love with a man she feels compatible with.
!
Here's an optomistic thought...
If the relationship between your former g/f and the man she's in love with DISSOLVED TOMORROW...there's always the possibility of a phone call or an email from the lady you're obsessed with! But right now...it's NOT going to happen.
And it isn't your place to judge her actions or choose the man she wishes to be with.
"MOVING ON" is essential for you too! Please try....
Pianoguy
So now, she's sat on the sideline while you've had your fun, got your education and planned your future, and now you want her to fall appropriately into "the plan". Did you two discuss the merits and future impications of where you would take your job? Was it a joint or unilateral decision? It may be that this is the way she sees it and she does not want to spend her life with a man who would make life decisions with out consultaion and consideration. Women HATE that. It speaks of a kind of male entitlement thing that is very ugly.
But, when you *asked her* if it was just that you were not in the same location as her, she said *yes* and almost started to cry. Do you think that was a lie? If she was telling the truth that means if you were in the same location right now, you'd be together. She is going to school for another year. How about this: you go there for a year. When she's done school, the two of you move to the east coast (or somewhere else *mutually* agreed upon) together? Your response to this suggestion will tell you where you stand on that "male entitlement" thing. Is she worth it to you?
You could just carry on with your plan and hope she comes around eventually. Seems like a pretty big gamble given that you say you love her and can't imagine a life for yourself without this woman in it. Yet, even in the face of this potential loss it doesn't seem to have occured to you to deviate from "your plan".
She's not lonely anymore and going out on dates is a lot of fun. Please give her more credit than to get married based on pressure from friends/family. You have no idea what this fella is like. If you think she has good taste in men, then he must be a nice guy or she would not be spending time with him.
So do you want her OR do you only want her, if it fits your plan and is on your terms? If it's the latter, her friends/family who tell her to move on, would be giving her good advice.
I was trying to be matter of fact, not hurtful. I hope I came across that way. Good luck to you.
Keep looking up^, Susan.