Can't decode his behavior - is he losing interest? Or being really busy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2002
Can't decode his behavior - is he losing interest? Or being really busy?
6
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 6:15am

Here's the story - sorry it's a bit long:

I met this guy at a common friend's birthday party about 3 months ago. There was great chemistry and common interests (darts, movies) between us so I've decided to go with the flow and enjoyed the time with him (frequent texting and hanging out several times a week). Sex was involved since the 3rd week but it didn't ruin things. We still hanged out for darts and movies and things got even better. By the way, I'm 27 and he's 29.

We never made things official but common friends / our friends more or less knew about us, and I happened to meet his best friends since he asked me to join their gatherings (happy hour, darts) for a few times. However, the good times only lasted till last month. 

There were various reasons - we were busy for work so we texted less, and there were many gatherings with own friends this month (friends coming in town, banquets, birthdays). We could only meet once a week (Sunday) or even less now - sometimes it wasn't even a proper date... like 2 weeks prior: his schedule was full all weekend so I've made plans on Fri and Sat nights for myself. He suddenly called on Friday 3/14 11pm (after his gathering with friends) saying he missed me and wanted to come over in the midway of my gathering with our common friends. So it was a "drinking with common friends and sleepover Friday night". We didn't meet again till now.

We texted less and we started to run out of topics - we only texted every 2 or 3 days during the week and ask what each others are up to and trying to make plans for the next meeting. 

I'm feeling more and more distanced from him during this month. My exes were clingy guys which demanded daily communication and meeting at least 2 days a week. I couldn't figure if this guy's losing interest on me or really being busy. He replies to all my texts and tells me what he's up to on the weekends even if he's got plans and not being able to meet up. This is nothing official yet and I didn't want to make things awkward by confronting him about where we stand.

We've cancelled the past Sunday's movie date again since he caught serious cold since Saturday and had to stay home to take a rest. I texted him daily to see if he was getting better. He's almost recovered now, but we haven't been talking about when and where we're going this week yet. 

It was usually me to ask what he's up to on the weekend and to suggest what to do when we meet (our dates usually takes up half of the day). I suddenly don't feel like to initiate anything with all these coldness accumulated during the month. Am I not being understanding/ caring enough or did I totally get it wrong, that he was distancing himself from me?

I would really want some advice since I've never been in such a situation before. Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2013

Give this more time. It's only been 3 months. Not all guys are clingy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

There were 2 things that stuck out for me in your post.  First you said that you were running out of things to talk about.  Do you feel like that when you are together or only when texting?  I think texting is a bad way to get to know someone--it's good for short communications like what time are we meeting on Sat. but if you really want your relationship to develop, if you can't see each other, at least you should be talking on the phone.  You don't get emotions on text, you can't hear the other person's voice, hear them laughing, hear how they react to what you are saying.  So if you find that you get along well in person but then feel disconnected when you aren't together, I'd suggest an old fashioned phone call to keep up.

2nd, you say that you are the one making all the plans.  I would step back from this one and see if he reaches out to you.  If he is not asking you when you are free and making plans for things to do, then I would say that he's not that into you.  The beginning of dating is when you are getting to know someone, so you might have enough in common to be friends and casual dating, but maybe there is not enough of a connection there to be more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I agree with MusicLover.  You need to take a step back, stop texting, and see what happens.  Three months is about the time that people step back and think about what's happening......and maybe it's not what he wanted to happen.  Some people know the first time they meet, other's THINK there's something happening, but after a while, they realize this isn't what they wanted.  People pull back quietly, hoping that the other person will get the hint, so they don't have to be the "bad guy" and step up and say something. 

There is a big difference between "confronting" and "talking" to someone. Confrontations are harsh, accusatory, angry, and you don't gain anything by that.  Meeting with him, and discussing things in a calm way is what you want to do.........OR......as I said, just stop texting and see what happens.  If he's truly busy, he'll realize you're not contacting him and he'll contact you.  Maybe since you usually initiate things, he feels you're pushing too hard.  The only way to know exactly what's going on without getting in his face is to just stand back, and see what happens.  It's only three months, and unless he's declared a mad passionate love for you, it might just be him stepping back and trying to "cool" things down a bit, or even a lot.  Good Luck, I hope it works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2002

Thank you Musiclover12 & Fissatore! I've stopped texting him since I posted. Luckily, he texted first in the evening telling me he's recovered and asked if I wanted to join his friends for darts (which I met before) at night. I had a nice night out with them. It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time we hanged out. I guess there was a nice sign since he was more open to body language like squeezing my arm, touching my hair or rubbing my shoulder when his friends were around (he used to stay a distance before)? 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004

I guess you got your answer, as soon as you backed off he texted and you got together. As the other poster saidm you don't need to "confront" him about your status. Its your right to find out where things stand by having a discussion. At this point I guess nearly 4 months in, you could classify yourselves as friends with benefits. If thats cool with you, then you have notbing to sweat. If you want more then do not be afraid to make your demands known and if he doesn't agree to them then move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2002
Thank u Khatru1. I spent some time on my own to think about things yesterday. I agree there's nothing more than friends with benefits here. He wanted me to go for a sleepover after hanging out on Tuesday but I refused (I can't goto work with the same outfit!) . He didn't seem upset and said let's wait till next time. It seems he was trying to keep me around. I tried asking him out on Friday and he was with the same friends. I don't bother to initiate anything again and there's been total silent these 2 days. I am going on my period next week so I have decided to disappear from him for a while, then bring up the discussion if he happens to meet me. Otherwise, I guess it's for the best to let it fade...