Cant do it on my own. Need to know how.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2008
Cant do it on my own. Need to know how.
7
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:00pm

Hey.

Theres a lot going on in my life at the moment and its all kinda built up so i dont know how to really start dealing with things. I live in Ireland, Im 16 and theres nowhere I can go to talk to anybody without it being on record and the way things work over here is if theres any record of me a kid gettin counselling then that kid will be marked for life. Wont get a job, wont get to college etc you get the idea. Bad system.
My family is falling apart because of an accusation made against my dad that he was having an affair with a teacher in his school who is currently out on maternity leave... coincidence? Thats the problem. Ill never know. Me, my mum, and my lil brother will never know. Its taking its toll on my family and I feel totally helpless. I feel im the one to blame for everything because the woman made a comment to me and I came home and told my mum. Was that wrong? Did I make a big deal out of it? Ive been getting letters, anonymous of course. And phone calls. This has been going on for over a year now. Theres been so many fights. My parents have broken up many times and gotten back together many times. I keep telling myself we've made it this far. The arguements have often lead to violence. My arm was nearly broken. Ive resorted to cutting myself. And its all my fault.
On top of that Im trying to help my mum because she was sexually abused and raped when she was a child. And her brothers and sisters all the same. They all knew. Nobody tried to help.
She got pregnant when she was 15. And the child was taken away from her. She was put into a Magdalene order. Shes been through hell and back and now all this with my dad is making her fall to pieces. I dont know what more I can do to help. She thinks shes crazy but shes not. Shes the most amazing person i know.
Along with all this Im tryin to help my boyfriend. Hes 16. His dad died when he was 2 and he was put into foster care because his mum couldnt cope. He was in and out of different homes. Nobody helped. Nobody cared. I dont know if he was abused. Im scared to ask him. If he was then theres always a risk of an STD. How do I say that to him? He hates where he lives. Hes back at home with his mum and he claims hes very very close to his grandad but I can see theyre only using him to do work for them. I can hear the way they talk to him. They know i know. And ive been told not to waste my time on him and thats hes broken, damaged, never gona amount to anything. But hes so intelligent. Hes still in school after everything. And he wants to work to get out.
Sometimes i sit alone in my room and feel sorry for myself for a few seconds, but then I cop on and say to myself how dare I. Look what my mum and Joey have been through. I have no right to feel bad.
Is it unreasonable for me to feel like this?
Am i being selfish?

Theres nobody else I can talk to.

Please help.
='[

Hope.
x

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 1:35pm

Welcome to the board jellytots4joey,


So sorry you are going through this.


Would your mother be willing to get help for herself, as an adult that doesn't have to worry about not going to college if she gets help?


First, stop blaming yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 3:00pm

You are being much to hard on yourself. First of all, you did nothing wrong by telling your mom what you heard. All you did was pass on the information you had. Your mom had a right to know what was going on. You are nitpicking to be worrying about how you presented the information. I'm sure your mom was much more interested in what you knew than in how you were saying it. Give her some credit. She is capable of discerning between your opinions and tone of voice and the facts, and she is capable of forming her own opinion.

It sounds like you are trying very hard to take care of your mom, your boyfriend, and the whole rest of the world. You're only 16, honey. Even the most mature of adults can't solve other people's problems for them. All you are going to accomplish by trying to make yourself responsible for everybody else is to stress yourself out. There is no reason for you to suffer more than you need to. You need to accept that some things are out of your hands.

It sounds like you are being very negative on yourself. You need to change the way you talk to yourself. Stop saying you are to blame or that everything is your fault. None of these things are your fault. You're just another one of the innocent victims that these bad things lead to. You're not the one who either cheated on your mom or made false accusations about an affair. You're not the one who raped anyone. You're not the one who had to abandon your boyfriend when he was 2. Those were all other people's actions. The drama you are dealing with is just the natural consequences that often arise when people make those bad decisions. Even if you mess up and say and do the wrong things at times, so what? You're a teen-age girl who has had to deal with way too much drama. That's just to be expected with the territory. It's not the cause of any of the drama.

Even when you talk about how you should feel better, you are being very negative. Let me quote you, "Sometimes i sit alone in my room and feel sorry for myself for a few seconds, but then I cop on and say to myself how dare I. Look what my mum and Joey have been through. I have no right to feel bad." You are looking at it completely wrong. It's not that you don't have a right to feel bad. You have a right to own all of your emotions. You have every right to break down and cry when it all gets to be too much. However, you DESERVE to also feel good. You DESERVE to also be able to smile and laugh. You DESERVE to get a break from all of the drama. If other people around you are suffering, that doesn't make your feelings any less valid. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to be sad at times, and it doesn't mean your not allowed to be happy.

There's a self-help book I would really recommend to you called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It has some very good techniques for catching your negative thinking patterns and learning how to handle things more positively. I think if you read it and follow the advice it may be able to really help you in dealing with a lot of this.

By the way, why would it go on record if you got counseling? I have never heard of anything like that. Does it always go on record when somebody gets counseling or is it because of the school's investigation into the affair? If there is any way at all for you to get professional counseling, I really think you should try to take advantage of it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Thu, 10-09-2008 - 3:28pm

(((HUGS))) and that's an awful lot for anyone to bear, much less a 16yo girl like yourself. I applaud you for trying to help everyone, and that's truly amazing, but you're right, you can't do it all on your own, and you shouldn't have to.


I don't know if

_________________________________________________


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2008
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 7:55am
I just want everything to be ok again. I wana be able to fix things. I hate seeing the people I love getting hurt. I want it to be over once and for all.
Takes it toll yaknow. I dont know though if im makin it out to be alot worse than it is?! Am i overreacting?? I dont know.
My head is a total mess. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 11:05am
It's a tough situation for you to be in. I'm not saying it's not. It's not your responsibility to fix the problems though. It's just adding additional stress and weight on your shoulders when you start blaming yourself for everything or feeling like you're the one that needs to make everything better. There's only so much you can do for other people. It's okay to focus on taking care of your own needs. Take up yoga or find a hobby you enjoy to help you take break from all of this when it gets to be too much. Also, take advantage of that line that cmstephanie gave you. Being able to talk over your problems with somebody helps a lot. I really hope things improve for you.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 4:18pm

Dear Hope,


First of all, you are not to blame for the situation with your mother and father or with anything else that's going on. If you blame yourself you make yourself miserable and can't see things clearly. Each person has their own lessons in life and their own choices. It sounds to me as though you are doing your best to be a fine person, and perhaps you're doing more than your best - sounds like you feel that it's up to you to keep everyone's life from falling apart. I suggest that you take a deep breath, step back a bit, and begin to focus on yourself. This is not selfish. This will help you feel stronger and you'll be able to see more clearly what you can and cannot do. Sometimes people manipulate others with their sorrow and troubles. Sometimes they put their problems on you. I don't know why or how your arm got broken, but needless to say, physical abuse and violence are completely unacceptable. Step back, breath, take time to yourself, get to know yourself. Become a friend to you. It's lovely that you love your mother, but you also need to mother you. If you love your boyfriend, trust the way you feel. If you need to ask him a question, ask it kindly. Don't be so afraid of how others see you, feel and react. If you live your life based upon other people you will become a puppet and also be all used up. You cannot keep your parents marriage together. They are the adults and it's up to them to work things through. You can love and support them, but don't let them suck you in. If you do, you'll feel desperate and cut yourself as you have been doing. You don't have to punish yourself. The greatest healing is love. Send love to yourself everyday. Realilze that you are a fine person and not to blame for anything. We all have trials in our lives and each person grows through solving them. Let your parents grow by solving their own problems. Take more time out of the house with friends and in activities you enjoy. The most important thing for you now is to become a good friend to you.


I publish a free monthly ezine with articles and information that would be helpful to you. You can subscribe at topspeaker@yahoo.com.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2008
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 2:30pm
I do go out a lot with my mates but im always made feel guilty about it. On weekends when i want to go into town or something im always made feel bad about asking. Sometimes im told that mum is sick or something and i shouldnt be out with my friends when shes under the weather, yet my dad has nothing to do but watch telly all day and he doesnt do one thing to help. If anything he makes things worse.
Idk im made feel so selfish for wanting my own personal time. My mum and I may as well be sisters were so close. But all we EVER talk about is negative stuff. Stuff bout dad.
Taking its toll so it is.
:(