Can't express myself
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| Thu, 02-12-2004 - 2:03pm |
I have a problem. I've come out of an abusive relationship of 12 years with a very controlling man. That was a few years ago. Now I am living with a wonderful guy who is so laid back, understanding, sweet. I can't be happier.
My problem is that stupid little things happen, which don't bother me too much, but then I guess when "PMS" time comes, it all comes boiling out. He gets all defensive (with every right) and then I feel like crap the way I treated him.
Example: I asked him to leave me a lone on the treadmill for 1/2 hour a night. I also asked him to hold my feet while I did sit ups, which he hadn't done yet. We are ALWAYS together, and I love being with him, but I just don't think its that "attractive". (and I'm not obese, just want to be alone here and there. After asking him twice, he seemed to always have an excuse to come into the bedroom while I was working out. (Doing bills at the computer, or whatever). It really didn't seem to bother me, until PMS set in. Then this Dr. Jeckyll - Mr. Hyde came out. I didn't say anything - kept it in side (this I attribute to my past abusive relationship). I went out to the living room while he was continuing to work on the computer, and did situps. He made a cutsie comment (really intending to be cute) about me finishing up sit ups so quicly. I just went ballistic, saying I'd asked him to hold my legs down while I did situps, but he hadn't done that, but the one thing I asked him NOT to do (go in the bedroom while being on the treadmill) he consistently did. He was just thrown aback, and we got into it that night. then every little infintesimal thing that bugged me came out at him. Then me and my stubborn big mouth ends it with "maybe I should move out". I really don't want to, I LOVE him to death, along with our kids, and it would be the last thing on earth I would want.
It upsets him very much, because I SHOULD be able to ask him little things like giving myself a little time, etc. He really WANTS me to. He encourages open communication, and has explained that by my threatening that I'm not happy, I should reconsider things. How do I get past this?

I also hope that you are in counseling.
You should sit him down and say - "hey, I was having a severe case of the bitches and I am very very sorry". OR explain it like you did here.... like I said, there are very real reasons that this could be happening, not just because of a past relationship.
Yes, you should be given some time alone. I feel almost the same as you do about exercising..and huffing and puffing and sweating in front of my df - BUT I am learning to get over it!!! Explain again that this is YOUR time - he can have his computer and/or bills when you get done. PERIOD!!!
Check out the PMS/PMDD ivillage site under health message boards - you will be surprised!!
Other then all that - if you cant say it - write it, like you did to us. You have to let him know how you feel about this - one way or another. If he thinks that he is not making you happy or if your unhappy being with him, well - it could lead to huge problems.
good luck -
PlayNICE
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.