can't get help so i'll try this board :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
can't get help so i'll try this board :(
11
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 10:52am
I'm married 22 years.. we are in our mid 40s. I just don't know what is going on w/me but i'm feeling really undesired by my dh and unwanted. When we have sex it's good but i sometimes feel that he needs visual stimulation to get in the mood sometimes. like i know that he sometimes looks at porn on line and it seems like it's those times that he's looking to be w/me or if we go to a strip club or swinger's club....i addressed this w/him..i told him i was feeling unattached and undesired by him. i told him i know he looks at porn and other women. his response was that he is a man. he does like to "look" at beautiful bodies..i stopped him there and said and that hurts me because i don't think i have a beautiful body..i had two children and have horrible streach marks on my stomach and am over weight...he said he loves my body...everybodys body is different and he loves mine the way it is. he continued that sometimes he likes to look but has ABSOLUTELY no desire to be with anyone else but me. we also own a busness and he has several female workers...well, yes, sometimes i get sarcastic about a few things for example....he called me at work and asked if i could find a replacement for me that night cuz he wanted to go for a bike ride. so he called the business and the manager, a female found a replacement but when spoke w/her later, she was all giddy and stuff and was like, oh, he was so cute, he was saying that he didn't want to go on the bike or to the bar alone....blah blah so a little later(after he spoke w/me) he called back and asked if I could find you a replacement....so i called him and asked if he stopped at work before the called me...he had to think about it and said, oh, yea why? and i said well, the manager was saying how you were whinning abount not wanting to go to the bar yourself and stuff....he got mad at me and said i had to stop picking on little things he has enough stress and that he doesn't like to be at the business when i'm there cuz he senses the tension and i watch he every move when he is around the females. another quick example is that i was there the one day and the one girl said oh, you dh was mad cuz I gave the manager the free case of coors light i won and he was like...i drink that too...so she said she would give him the next case...so in conversation i said, "oh, i hear you are owned a case of coors?" and he got mad, said i was being sarcastic and letting all these little things bother me. Well it does...so i just spoke w/him now and he sensed something was wrong and asked me what? so i said that last night i felt unattached....i know he was looking at porn and he went to bed naked and probably if i woke him, we would have but i didn't cuz i just felt not wanted....i know it's an issue of wanting his attention /jelousey and i told him this that everyone else has his attention except me......he said i need to address my issues and maybe if i stop giving him a hard time things would be different but until that time, he has a hard time talking to me about things cuz he thinks i would ask him a ton of questions. any any any advice would be great...sorry so long

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 11:50am

Welcome to the board cedar04,


It's impossible to change another person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 3:22pm

Honestly,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 4:33pm
Thanx Carie for your positive response...i will look into the reading..and try and take a different approach.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 4:36pm
my problem is , it wasn't til that breaking point until he told me this...never before. only til it came to this. never told me he liked my body the way it was, never told me he is only interested in me. and yea, the negative body issue in part is his fault because he NEVER in the past said anything positive except..."maybe we should go on diets...we are big people..or when the bike scraps bottom on a speed bump../oh, i guess we are too heavy." everyone needs to hear good things too, not all bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 4:45pm
So you think that if he had given you plenty of compliments and positive feedback in the past that you wouldn't have a negative body image now? I've found that my body image is based on my own thoughts about it not anyone else's. When I was young, I was constantly told I was beautiful, yet I never believed anyone because of my poor self body image. I really think you would benefit from counseling and diet/exercise to help you
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 04-19-2008 - 6:15pm
yes, i do think that if i received complements from my dh it would make me feel better about my self.././if you dress to impress and you don't get any comments, kinda makes me feel like it's not as impressive as i thought. so if my dh compliments me on my appearance, looks, cooking, what ever it is , it makes me feel better. when you get nothing././there is no inspiration and i know i need to lose weight and excersie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 12:12pm

'if we go to a strip club or swinger's club....'


Do you willingly go to these places? Do you like them? If so, aren't you giving him a mixed message???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 1:40pm

It sounds like your lifestyle together has gotten to you and I can see why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 2:22pm
no, we are not headed for a break up..//.my dh is not the kind of guy that would throw away 22 yrs into a family...he is from a divorced family and knows what it does to family.//..."Watching someone you love having sex with someone else eventually gets to most people, even if they too are having sex with someone else." My dh doesn't engage w/other women. Always said he did not have an interest in participating w/ other women and we have been in this for about 10 years. He enjoys seeing me and being w/me w/another guy. This was his introduction in the beginning..i never thought of it...as far as the strip clubs, no, i am not bi sexual..not to say if the opportunity arises i would turn it down..everyone has a fantasy...anyway...he does not sit there w/dollar bills and drull.../we go for the atmosphere..it give us a place to go where i can let loose a little bit and wear something a little more daring than in a regular bar and play pool...as a matter of fact we were out on the motorcycle the other day w/friends and the one guy mentioned that they stopped at the new strip club when they were riding and he said the one ex stripper was sitting at the bar and she asked his wife if she can smack him around w/her "big" boobs....they joked about it and he said to my dh...you have to go get these in your face and my dh's response was ..nope, i only want those in my face and he pointed at my breasts. it's kinda all good , its just that most times i feel like he doesn't give me his attention...we did end up having a great weekend..we actually went to a meet and greet at a local club and had a great time...we stayed together and just the atmosphere alone lets you let loose and have a great time together. i guess i don't make much sense. but definately don't feel as thought what i have said in my posts warrants the thought of us heading for a break up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sun, 04-20-2008 - 11:18pm

"as a matter of fact we were out on the motorcycle the other day w/friends and the one guy mentioned that they stopped at the new strip club when they were riding and he said the one ex stripper was sitting at the bar and she asked his wife if she can smack him around w/her "big" boobs....they joked about it and he said to my dh...you have to go get these in your face and my dh's response was ..nope, i only want those in my face and he pointed at my breasts."


Sorry, you dont describe an enticing lifestyle that's for sure.

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