Can't Get Him Out of My Head!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Can't Get Him Out of My Head!
4
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 7:30pm
My husband and I have been having marital problems and have been seeing a counselor for about a year and a half to two years now. For 2 years I tried to reach out to him, to feel that connection that we had for the first 3 years we were together, but I got nothing. Conversations were like pulling teeth, kisses were perfunctory, hugs were few and far between...he was withdrawn and almost like a zombie. I was almost to the point where I thought that was how marriage was supposed to turn out...like you married a friend. I thought I could accept that and spend the rest of my life without that "sparkle" for life I had had before we were together and during the first 3 years of marriage. Then WHAM! An old high school friend (turns out both of us had feelings for each other even then, but did not connect) comes into town. We had lost contact for a decade, then got in touch via internet and telephone. He was on leave recently, and we went out (first to lunch with my husband and then twice with his relatives). We completely connected...no awkward silences, he knew what I was saying and vice versa, we laughed with each other and shared a lot with each other. The last night before he went back to base, we kissed for the very first time, and it was WONDERFUL. I came clean with my husband (I felt and still feel guilty), and he went berserk for a while. Well, I have not heard from this other guy since my husband left a nasty message on his voicemail, but I can't get him out of my head. My husband finally settled down and is starting to do all the things I tried to get him to do for years, and is finally starting to get back to the person he was before, but I can't get this other guy out of my head. I try to stop whenever I catch myself thinking about him, and I got rid of all of his info (email address, phone number, etc), but I think about him a lot. My heart aches to hear his voice again, to see him, to talk with him. Part of me keeps thinking that maybe he and I were meant to be and just kept missing each other. He has been divorced for over a year now, and is free and single, but says he has nothing to offer me b/c he is in the military and they can ship him around every 6 months if they want. I don't care about that...I care about how I feel about him. But that's not fair to my husband, who is finally trying, but may be too late. Also, I have no idea how this guy feels about me anymore...whether or not he is disgusted with the situation, or if he still cares but wants me to figure out what I need to do on my own, or what. I don't even know if he's been re-deployed to Iraq (a possibility when last we spoke). He did say (before he left) that I should figure out what was going on in my marriage and we should go back to friends (I agreed). But the suspense is killing me. And so is this heartache. How do I get him out of my head? Or should I even keep trying to? What about my husband? Can I ever feel connected with him again if I still have these other feelings? Should I get a separation or a divorce? I am so confused and hurt, and hate hurting my husband. I know I am being selfish, and I have told my husband I can't promise him we will be together in the long run (he needs to continue to be emotionally stable and to re-discover himself). But how can I do anything when I feel like I need to find out if things could work with this other guy? And I don't even know if he'd still be interested. Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 8:04pm
Regardless of whether guy #2 is in Iraq, still interestd in you, right for you, you have to decide what to do with your marriage. Don't leave your marriage only because you may have a chance to connect with someone else. Don't choose one man or the other. Look at your marriage and make a decision. Are you in love now that he is making changes? Can it ever get back to where it was? Do you want to be with him forever?

Even if you never see the other guy again will you be happy with your husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 7:29pm
How long do I wait to see if it works out with my husband? Does chemistry ever come back once it's been snuffed out? Am I just dragging things out? My husband has been ok for a week now, but I don't know if I can ever get over my fear of being hurt by him AGAIN. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 01-24-2004 - 10:55pm
Is counseling helping? Do you like the therapist? Do you communicate better with your husband?

I can't tell you how long to give your husband. I think you should ask yourself if the spark can ever be rekindled even if your husband changes 100%.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 01-25-2004 - 12:38pm

you got good advice from the other poster.


two things that popped up - first, it sounds like your husband is depressed. and if he is - he needs personal therapy first before you can work on the "marriage".


second - two years in marital therapy is a looong time for no progress. have you discussed this with the therapist? what does he/she think? if your husband is depressed then i can see that the therapy would not progress, but this is something that the therapist should be picking up on.


third - you cannot solve your marital issues until you are totally and wholly committed to the marriage. and that means putting any other guys out of your mind. this does not mean that you will or not stay in the marriage - but it does mean that you will give your marriage a fair shot.