Can't get over old boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Can't get over old boyfriend
3
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:39pm
To make a very long story short - I desperately need to get over feelings for my old boyfriend. Old as in he was my boyfriend and lover 30 years ago. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know he still has feelings for me. I am married and so is he. My marriage isn't so happy; my husband, bless his heart,is a very negative person whom I love more as a friend than a husband. I have not been sexually attracted to him for about 15 years and I'm not sure he is attracted to me. I believe it's just the release he is interested in. I think my ex's marriage is somewhat happy, but he and I cannot be around each other for any length of time without emotional sparks flying. We both live in a small town so we do run into one another quite often. This is driving me crazy. I can't help how I feel, Lord knows I've tried, and I'm tired of feeling guilty. I can give more details if anyone is interested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:22am
okgal2004...

Most people who are in 'non-fulling relationships' often want to RECAPTURE THE PAST! Problem is...THEY CAN'T! Special individuals (like the one you described) can enter our lives briefly...and then move in other directions.

While Pianoguy is assuming that your EX was probably the first TRUE LOVE of your life, HE'S MARRIED! What's the point of screwing up a happy marriage between 2 people just because YOURS ISN'T? If you honestly CARE about HIS HAPPINESS...stop reflecting on what the 2 of you had at together....and get some professional counselling!

You don't have to stay with your present husband if he doesn't 'satisfy you'...but if the only thing that's lacking in your life is S-E-X...I'll bet there are one or two...err...'gentlemen' in your town who will be more than happy to fill the void?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 10:53am
I know how you feel. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man, however, I do still have feelings for my ex, and probably always will. I also live in a small town, and so does he, so we run into each other occasionally, or I will see him driving by, etc. I'm not sure how your relationship was with your ex, but there was a reason for the breakup. Think about those reasons. For me, my ex was unfaithful to me, and he was verbally abusive at times. I loved him dearly, but I had to get away. The connection I felt to him was very powerful, which is probably the reason why it has been so difficult to get over him. He was also my first love. But, I realize now that I made a smart decision to leave him. I will always feel love for him, but I understand that I could never change him, nor will I ever will be able to. Look at your past relationship and really think about the reasons for the breakup. Perhaps your past relationship wasn't so bad, and you are remembering the good times. Often times, when people are in unfufilling relationships, which is sounds as though you may be in now, they search for something else to fill the void, and a past lover is PERFECT because you have already experienced a relationship with him. You should talk to someone, a counselor. I have done this as well. It really helps to find out exactly where your feelings are coming from. Sometimes it is hard to tell because feelings can be so overwhelming and can cause you not to think clearly. Counseling will help you find out exactly how you feel and just where your feelings are stemming from. Goodluck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:35pm
I agree with Pianoguy, when things aren't good we as humans tend to look to the past, wanting to recapture those feelings, those emotions, with that 'special' someone. Yet, if by some chance you set everything in motion to be together, things just wouldn't be the same. You'd both have to deal with divorce, deal with the fall out of your marriages, do some soul searching and some grieving. Emotions are deceiving, we can think it's love, soul mate, etc, but once we are in a relationship with that person and find out how they are with the day-to-day routines of living, things don't usually turn out the way we think they will. If your marriage isn't happy, there is where you need to begin.... until you resolve the issues in the marriage, those issues will continue to repeat in your life, even in the next relationship. Being flirted with, getting attention, etc, goes to our head and doesn't make us see life as it really is.

Getting over someone means you have grieved for the end of that relationship, for what could have been, for what might have been, for what you hoped would have been.


Carrie