cant handle it any more

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
cant handle it any more
8
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:29pm
I need help or just someone to listen to me. I have no family I can speak to this about because I don’t want them to think I have failed inanouther marriage. I have been with my husband for 5 years we got married just under a year of knowing each other. For both of us it was a 2nd marriage and maybe a big mistake. My husband has angry problems and when we fight he will not talk it out he is also on meds for depression. He has been very abusive in the past but luckily nothing has happen in the last 6 months. But he still threatens me with his comment of shutting me up or he will hit me. Why does a man do this to the lady he is supposed to love and respect?

I am at the point where I don’t think he respects me he has never said sorry for hitting me in the past or taken responsibility for it. I think he has no respect for women in general he speaks to his mom like crap all the time I fill so badly for her. His x wife left him for his best friend and I think that is where he respect level came towards female’s but im not like that. We had a fight this weekend and I tried to talk it out but he just shuts up and does not speak a word to me, how is that going to help. But of course he runs to his friends and makes out im this bitch and he is just perfect! I don’t know where to turn I love him but also hate his for what he is doing to me. He has the cars and everything in his name so that if I was to leave I would have nothing, I don’t even work as he says he wants me to stay home. I think his more worried I will find someone better than him. What do I do I want to be happy and smile like I used to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:37pm
sweetie... leaving a bad marriage that was a mistake isn't a failure... it's a success for you because you have made a choice for a better life for yourself. the only failure is sticking with a bad person... that's the biggest failure of all.

don't worry about the "stuff"... the material things... do what's best for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:44pm
Thats the thing i will have nothing and its just not me i have 4 children 3 from my first marriage and 1 with him.I dont work so i dont have any mony to start over i just fill so stuck and no where to turn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:03pm
why don't you call your family and talk to them?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:18pm
I only have my dad and we are not close, the rest of my family are out of state and i dont have much contact.And as for friends since i have been with him i have lost all of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:26pm
There are many resources that you will find if you look out there. You never have to deal with this type of behavior and you can survive out there on your own.

The first thing that you need to do is be honest with yourself. Is this a man that will try to change if you ask and will he work with you to have a good relationship? Doesn't sound like it but only you can answer that. If not, then you need to take your children and move on. If he is potentially violent, that is no good for them either.

If I were you, I'd call your dad. Family is family, period. He may be more willing to come through for you and help than you think. Even if you are not close, perhaps dad can even just co-sign a lease for you or something to help out. If that doesn't work or you are really set against it, start looking locally for help. There are many battered women's groups and places to live that will help you out. Even if he is not hitting, the threat of it is enough b/c you are feeling threatened. At the same time, you can find governmental resources to help with health care and food.

Did you have a job before meeting this man? Do you have any training or talent that you could turn into a job? Have you considered something like tupperware or Mary Kay?

I agree with a previous poster - if you are in a very bad place, leaving is not fai;ure, it is success.

Good luck :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:28pm
well, my father and i weren't close when i chose to leave my ex. i had no job and he and i hadn't talked for a long time... but father's are funny... when their daughters need help (especially because of a man) you might be surprised at how he can come through for you.

i moved 2000 miles from my ex to a new area where i knew nobody and had nothing... IT CAN BE DONE.

how old are you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:29pm
Have you ever talked to anyone at a shelter before? I'm not talking about a homeless shelter, I'm talking about a shelter for abused women. They have information and resources for people who are in exactly your situation. You will be able to help you find out what your rights are as far as custody, property division and child/spousal support. I don't know where you live but, where I am, anything a couple accumulates while together gets split equally no matter who's name it's in. And there are guildlines for how much he must pay in child support based on his income. What about the other Dad? Does he pay support for his three?

You are only stuck if you believe you are. If, on the other hand, you believe that there *is* a way out, you will not stop until you find it.

By the way, talk to his ex. I'm sure she left for the same reason you are. He's not likely to tell you she left because he did not respect her and treated her the same as he treats you. Like you said, he takes no responsibility for what he's done to you. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way he treats woman so to him, it couldn't be him. She may have ended up with the friend because he saw the same thing you see now and tired to help her. These guys do not change the core of their belief systems. They believe they are entitled to have others serve them and if we don't, we are wronging them.

Keep looking up^, Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:38pm
..


Edited 5/17/2004 1:38 pm ET ET by julieh2003