Can't seem to get along w/other women

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2004
Can't seem to get along w/other women
2
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:36pm
Hi Everyone,

I don't know why, but all my life I've never been able to get along with other women. I'm a very outgoing person, but my close friends have told me that's only true once you get to know me. Otherwise, I have this shell that's impossible to crack. So, I'm reserved and private, but that doesn't explain why I don't get along with other girls.

I come from a very suburban lifestyle. I don't have any weird, horror stories of events in my childhood that shaped who I am today. I'm a graduate student, who works part time, lives on her own, and I've had a boyfriend for the past three years. Honestly, my record is clean and I cannot think of one thing that would make me so incompatible with other ladies.

The thing is, I CAN meet other women. I'm very good at meeting and getting to know girls on the superficial, surface level. It's after that initial greeting that I stall and can't seem to get back in gear. I just don't know what to say next so I guess you could say I have trouble talking to women. I don't know how to build the relationship and move it on to the next level. I can chat someone up in the bathroom about clothes, makeup, and boys but after that, I draw a blank. I feel like women don't understand me.

This is very weird to me because I come from a very maternal family. I have two sisters and 7 aunts on my mom's side of the family. I grew up in a very nutured and maternal manner. I have no problem getting along with them but I can't seem to draw other women in. My boyfriend has noticed this and believes it's my reservations that cause such a blockage of potential friendships. Apparently, women are more drawn to open people.

I do have the capability to be a wonderful friend. My best friends will testify to that. I have one girlfriend whom I'm close to and that's only because we've been friends since we were 9 and she's like a sister to me.

I wish I could fix this because I would love to build a relationship with my boyfriend's mother and sister. When I'm around them, I'm unbelievably quiet because I have nothing to say. I try to make myself available to his sister but all attempts seem really superficial on my part and she's an intelligent girl so I think she senses that.

What can I do to enrich my relationships with other women?

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:51pm
Instead of making yourself available, try stepping outside of your comfort zone and initiating an outing. If the conversation is about clothing or something like that, say "hey, we should go shopping". If one day you're around them and it happens to be close to lunchtime, say "how would you ladies like to go grab a bite?" Make the first phone call. Call your SIL or MIL and just say "I was just going to do XXX, would you like to come along?" or something to that effect.

Try the same thing with other ladies you meet. However, I find that once you reach adulthood, it's difficult to make friends with someone that you're simply chatting with in the ladies' room one time. It would have to be someone you speak to frequently on more than one occasion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 8:07am
Maybe you are an introvert and you have a fear (on a subconscious level) that if you make a bunch of friends there will be too many demands on your time and then there will be no more quiet time to be alone with your thoughts? Or it could be you see other women as being a group of people whose interests are different from yours. I know a lot of women who can talk of little but relationships, clothing and dieting do not interest me that much and I would prefer to be alone with my thoughts rather than spend time in small talk with them. I think you should start with looking deep within to discover the reason you don't make friends with women. Then you can either go about changing that or accepting yourself as you are. Iri