Can't Stick with Decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Can't Stick with Decision
4
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:05pm
I am looking for input.

After 20 years of marriage to the same man, I have had an affair.

During my marriage I have had fantasies about cheating on my husband

with an old boyfriend. In the meantime, I lost 40 lbs. and met a new man.

I have two children, and had problems with getting a divorce because of the children.

I have filed for divorce, but have put it on hold. The man I had an affair with wanted me to leave my husband and marry him. I have since broken off the relationship with the otehr man, in order to go to counseling with my husband. I am very broken hearted about breaking up with the other man. I felt he was my soul mate, but was afraid to get a divorce. My husband has been very forgiving after learning of all of the details of my year long affair. My husband wants to try to make our marriage work. I am still in love with the other man. My fear is that I made the wrong decision, and lost the love of my life. I am not in love with my husband, but I am afraid to leave him because divorce can financially ruin our lives, and our children's lives.

I am also afraid that it is too late to change my mind, because I hurt both men so badly.

I am in a tough spot. I was hoping to get input from people who have been through similar situations. The advice I have been getting is to stay with my husband, because relationsips that start as affairs rarely work out.

Thanks,

Worrier2
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:27pm


'During my marriage I have had fantasies about cheating on my husband ...'

Your marriage is obviously in trouble and it is admirable to go to counseling and try to work on the relationship. But it seems like you don't want the relationship to work. You don't love your husband.

I think the most courageous thing you can do is to admit what you want to yourself. Are you happy in the marriage? Are you in love with your husband? Do you want to remain married to him?

If not, then you are not doing yourself, yoru husband OR YOUR CHILDREN and favors by staying in a loveless or one-sided unhappy marriage. What are you teaching your children about relationships, trust, monogamy, happiness, decision-making, values, etc.??? Do you think they won't repeat your patterns?

'I have two children, and had problems with getting a divorce because of the children.

I have filed for divorce, but have put it on hold.'

What do you mean by this?


'I am not in love with my husband, but I am afraid to leave him because divorce can financially ruin our lives, and our children's lives.'

Well you know how I feel about divorce and children. I think you may be underestimating their ability to cope with this. Don't you think your children want a happy mom? Don't you think an unhappy marriage can ruin children's lives?


'The advice I have been getting is to stay with my husband, because relationsips that start as affairs rarely work out.'

You are making this issue about choosing one man or the other. Why would you go from one man to the next. Rebounds rarely work. You boyfriend will wake up one day and decide he can't trust you because you cheated on your husband.

Why not choose neither if you want out of the marriage. It seems you need to spend more time with your children and not another man



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 12:57pm
::The advice I have been getting is to stay with my husband, because relationsips that start as affairs rarely work out.

For the most part, percentage-wise relationships that start as affairs aren't happy unions. After the 'excitement' of that relationship wears off (and it does because most affairs are 'secret' and have been hidden, forbidden and that alone intensifies the feelings) once reality of day-to-day living sets in, the routine of life, the carpools, laundry, yard work, kid's schedules etc then a different relationship emerges. Then add in the fact that one or both party has *cheated* to be in the affair, so then once together, the feelings of love, excitement, etc. change to *what if* and the parties question each other's integirty, honesty and begin to worry what if they do the same thing to me that I/she/he did to their spouse....

Putting all that aside, while valid, there is also the need for you to deal with how you feel about this other man, how you think you are missing something, in other words, you need to grieve for the end of that relationship - grieving is necessary. Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.

Most couple's can't overcome an affair without professional help, as rebuilding trust takes time, working out why it happened, trying to prevent it from happening again. So, if you aren't in counseling yet, I strongly suggest you go.

With help and both you and your husband being willing to work on your marriage, there is always the chance that you two would fall in love again. I know right now you think that is impossible, but I've seen it happen.

Check out a few of these books

This Affair is Over!! Sandi Terri

Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving an Affair by Lana Staheli

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful -- Janis Abrahms

http://www.retrouvaille.org/home.htm

www.marriagebuilders.com

My best to you.

PS I just heard this saying for the first time:

A man that marries his mistress, creates a job opening. (for a new mistress)

Has anyone else heard that before?


Edited 1/14/2004 1:42:55 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 1:34pm

Id rather be broke , have joint custody and be happy then stay married and be miserable. Im not sure the ages of your children, but sooner or later, they are going to be able to see that your not happy.Having children doesnt garuntee a happy marriage, staying in an unhealthy marriage wont garuntee your childrens happiness or your financial stability.


You deserve t be happy, and for whatever reason, you feel like you need to stay in this union for all of the wrong reasons.


The only thing you are doing is teaching your children that its ok and expected to stay in an unhealthy marriage ino rder to have financial freedom.That isnt right.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 2:45pm
Thank you for your input.

I have read each response to my posting.

I am still going through counseling, and will give my situation continued deep thought.

Worrier 2