Can´t stop feeling angry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Can´t stop feeling angry...
2
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 4:27pm

Hi All,

This Saturday night, my boyfriend and I got into a fight that involved one of our friends and basically revolves around the fact that I felt like he and she was disrespecting me. We had a party at our house (I live with my boyfriend) and he danced many more times with her than he did with me. I told him it bothered me and then he proceeded to carry her on his bicycle (we´re urban bikers) to the club that we were going to. This pissed me off even more and I told him that and we were fighting (between ourselves) in the club with him telling me he didn´t do anything wrong. Now both him and the girl (who is one of my closest friends) were fairly drunk.

At that point, everyone knew I was pissed and was asking me why but I just said I was tired. I look up and see her asking him to dance and him saying YES and then them laughing and dancing as though nothing was wrong right in front of me. At that point I just wanted to go home and was going to ask him for the keys when she comes up to me, laughing, and says that we need to talk. She drags me into the bathroom even though I said no and we get into a huge fight whereby she´s saying I´m insecure, jealous, etc. etc. and at the end of which she storms out saying our friendship is over, etc.

When I walk out of the bathroom she´s gone and my boyfriend is DJing so I go and ask him for the keys, go home, and go to bed. Now I just have to explain that this really isn´t about jealousy because I have no doubts about my boyfriend´s faithfulness, I know he doesn´t like her in that way and I know he would never cheat on me with anyone. However, I just felt it was disrespectful, especially after I told him at the house I didn´t like him dancing that much with her and then the whole bike thing happened and THEN the whole dancing in the club thing! What also set me off is that we have a rule about not sharing our problems with our friends because our group is very gossipy, and this girl is the most gossipy, and then he went ahead and told her that I was angry with them for the bike thing!

I´ve been feeling so angry for the past couple of days, as I´ve never felt before, and I can´t make it go away. I love this man and I have serious feelings about having a future with him but now it just seems like everything is ruined. Apart from my friendship with that girl, I'm sure she will tell everyone that I'm jealous and insecure and since everyone saw me pissed I'm sure they'll believe it even though that's not the truth. So there goes my friendship, my reputation and maybe even my relationship.

I have to say that my boyfriend feels horrible and he's apologized many times saying that yes he was wrong and that he just wasn't thinking and telling me that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Unfortunately, this hasn't helped any.

I want to stop feeling angry...I just don't know how. I'm so angry that I can't even cry and I'm the kind of person who cries before anything else...please so advice...

Daisypath Next Aniversary Ticker


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 5:09pm

I can't help wondering why this was a surprise to you when you knew there was alcohol involved. I've been to a lot of clubs; girls bring their boyfriends and vice versa and everyone dances with everyone. If you know your boyfriend doesn't like her in that way and you're not afraid of him cheating on you, why is this such a big deal?

I agree that he should have listened to you when you said you felt disrespected, and instead, probably in an act of spite, he carried her on his bike. Not a mature thing to do. If you were fighting by this point you both should have either made an effort to make up, or one of you should have stayed back because bringing your fight to a new public location is not the best thing to do.

On the other hand, this guy did not cheat on you and you're not jealous. You made a big deal out of something pretty trivial when you know nothing was up between them. He didn't handle it well either, but I think you should take some responsibility to say "sorry I overreacted, I was just feeling left out" and forgive him. He obviously cares a lot about you to apologize first, that takes a lot of guts for a man to be able to do.

You are still acting very dramatic about this if you think one incident is going to ruin your life. I don't know why you have a hard time letting go; it was one fight over something very unimportant. I have a feeling that if you apologize to your friend, she'll come around.

One thing I've definitely learned is that fights between you and a boyfriend should ALWAYS remain private... Good luck, your boyfriend sounds like he's worth forgiving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 5:26pm

I realize that the causes seem very trivial of this and in some ways I agree, hence why I don't understand my anger. I'm not actually being as dramatic as it seems...the problem is I am living in South America and am and will always be considered a foreigner. All of my friends are locals and the society here is very close-knit. Our group of friends all hang out together and so I am not exaggerating when I say that I will now be known as the 'jealous, insecure foreigner' because I've seen it happen before.

Like I said, we don't usually take our fights public, we usually leave and handle it ourselves if this happens and we NEVER discuss it with other people (the exception of course being 'anonymous people' such as on this board) so I don't know why he did that.

He is a very good man and strangely enough, following the writing of that post I felt better...I know it's going to take time but I think that some of the anger has subsided. As for my friend and my reputation, I don't know what will happen. I don't think a friend should behave the way that she did and I'm not feeling as though I will apologize - not because I am too proud (I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong or saying sorry) but because I really don't feel as though I did anything wrong here. She was hysterical while talking to me and calling me all sort of things (jealous, insecure, etc.) while the only thing I told her was that I don't go around do that sort of thing with her boyfriends and it just doesn't seem to me like proper behaviour for a friend.

Daisypath Next Aniversary Ticker