Can't stop obsessing over DH's ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Can't stop obsessing over DH's ex
9
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 10:09am

I think this issue is more about "me" than the relationshp, so I might be in the wrong spot. I'm newly married (6 months), but we dated for 4 yrs. We're not young..we married when I was 35 and he was 43. I have had mostly silly relationships in the past, nothing serious (I thought they were but see now they weren't). My DH has had girlfriends of course, and most significantly a serious relationship where he lived with a girlfriend and they got engaged. Eventually the engagement ended, I suppose due to compatibility issues. He does hold onto old photos, letters and make references (subtely, but I"m always watching for them) now and then...but it's all out of site (stores letters/photos in a tub away from my stuff). He says it's part of his past, and he shouldn't have to throw it out. They haven't spoken in years..she is now married with a child (had soon after the engagement broke off). He seems to talk about it like it was all cupid driven. (which makes me wonder what we are?).


Anyway, I'm a "snooper" by nature and I think I have self esteem issues (but doesn't everyone? ;)). I seem to want to learn as much as possible about this ex..who she was, what she looked like, what it was about her that made my DH so in love. I say this b/c DH and I are not very affectionate types (very little touching or saying "love you"), but I get the impression she was (from things he's said in passing/subtlely). I also know he did some things which were very out of character for him while with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 1:07pm

Welcome to the board janin9499,


Of course I am going to say what you thought I would. I really think you could benefit from counseling. I know you are worried about it not working because you are self reflective, but people on the outside are able to view things differently than you are when you are on the inside.


In the meantime, STOP looking up stuff about it. What does it matter anyway. All it is doing is driving you nuts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 1:43pm

Welcome to the board janine9499,


Sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 2:50pm

Does he bring this ex up often?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-17-2008 - 3:10pm

It might help if you look at this the way

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 4:05pm

I just wanted to thank you all for the responses. I did read each one and it has made me think--I like the book suggestions too.


I know alot of this is my own doing, but ultimately I have a fear that he doesn't love me as much as he loved her and that I can never measure up. Yes I'm idealizing her through pictures and bits and pieces, but I think when you have low self-esteem it is easier to believe the worst, and it's almost satisfying to be proven right. That's what is going on inside my subconscience I think. So I do have a sense of why I do this stuff, how it's self destructive and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Fri, 04-18-2008 - 5:58pm

"I know alot of this is my own doing, but ultimately I have a fear that he doesn't love me as much as he loved her and that I can never measure up."


If you really feel this way I dont know how you are able to function in this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 9:46am

Snafu, I'm "in it" because I'm newly married and he is not doing anything to make me feel this way consciously. In fact I think it has more to do with ME and my perception and self esteem. I'm trying to find a way to manage it and also understand it better. It is not easy.


Getting out of the relationship--even if it was a logical optio--would not be an answer...that would be running away and the problem would likely repeat itself in future relationships anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 10:17am
Well, he is referring to the ex probably a bit too much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2007
Mon, 04-21-2008 - 4:33pm

Hi -


After your nice advice I wanted to check out your situation and give you some of my advice.