Can't stop obsessing over DH's ex
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| Thu, 04-17-2008 - 10:09am |
I think this issue is more about "me" than the relationshp, so I might be in the wrong spot. I'm newly married (6 months), but we dated for 4 yrs. We're not young..we married when I was 35 and he was 43. I have had mostly silly relationships in the past, nothing serious (I thought they were but see now they weren't). My DH has had girlfriends of course, and most significantly a serious relationship where he lived with a girlfriend and they got engaged. Eventually the engagement ended, I suppose due to compatibility issues. He does hold onto old photos, letters and make references (subtely, but I"m always watching for them) now and then...but it's all out of site (stores letters/photos in a tub away from my stuff). He says it's part of his past, and he shouldn't have to throw it out. They haven't spoken in years..she is now married with a child (had soon after the engagement broke off). He seems to talk about it like it was all cupid driven. (which makes me wonder what we are?).
Anyway, I'm a "snooper" by nature and I think I have self esteem issues (but doesn't everyone? ;)). I seem to want to learn as much as possible about this ex..who she was, what she looked like, what it was about her that made my DH so in love. I say this b/c DH and I are not very affectionate types (very little touching or saying "love you"), but I get the impression she was (from things he's said in passing/subtlely). I also know he did some things which were very out of character for him while with her.

Welcome to the board janin9499,
Of course I am going to say what you thought I would. I really think you could benefit from counseling. I know you are worried about it not working because you are self reflective, but people on the outside are able to view things differently than you are when you are on the inside.
In the meantime, STOP looking up stuff about it. What does it matter anyway. All it is doing is driving you nuts.
glitter-graphics.com
glitter-graphics.com
Welcome to the board janine9499,
Sorry you are going through this.
Does he bring this ex up often?
It might help if you look at this the way
I just wanted to thank you all for the responses. I did read each one and it has made me think--I like the book suggestions too.
I know alot of this is my own doing, but ultimately I have a fear that he doesn't love me as much as he loved her and that I can never measure up. Yes I'm idealizing her through pictures and bits and pieces, but I think when you have low self-esteem it is easier to believe the worst, and it's almost satisfying to be proven right. That's what is going on inside my subconscience I think. So I do have a sense of why I do this stuff, how it's self destructive and
http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/pages/1d1657/
"I know alot of this is my own doing, but ultimately I have a fear that he doesn't love me as much as he loved her and that I can never measure up."
If you really feel this way I dont know how you are able to function in this relationship.
Snafu, I'm "in it" because I'm newly married and he is not doing anything to make me feel this way consciously. In fact I think it has more to do with ME and my perception and self esteem. I'm trying to find a way to manage it and also understand it better. It is not easy.
Getting out of the relationship--even if it was a logical optio--would not be an answer...that would be running away and the problem would likely repeat itself in future relationships anyway.
http://preg.fertilityfriend.com/pages/1d1657/
Hi -
After your nice advice I wanted to check out your situation and give you some of my advice.