Can't stop thinking of him...
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Can't stop thinking of him...
| Mon, 10-11-2004 - 8:11pm |
I have been dating and living with a guy for over 4 years. Our relationship has been rocky for the past few months. I work in a department that the majority are men. I also deal with alot of male sales representatives. I speak with a gentleman several times a day on business, and a few days ago we exchanged cell phone numbers. He is married with 2 children. This past weekend his family was out of his state. (we both live in different states). I'm not quite sure how it happened, but he offered me to come up there for the weekend. Naturally I turned down the offer and regret every minute of it. We did speak on the phone over the weekend every night (my boyfriend works nights). The problem is now all I think about is this guy. There is not a minute that goes by that I do not think of him. I find that I am trying to find different business questions to hear his voice and the same with him. Please help me as to what to do. I hear everything I want to hear from him, but I know that he has a family. It is to the point now, that I am depressed when I go home, because when his wife and children are home I can't speak with him. Please someone give me advise as to how I can get this guy out of my life and try to rebuild my current relationship.
Thanks for all your help.

Lets be clear that it sounds as if this man has no intentions to leave his family. More like he is just bored right now and needs someone or something to occupy his time for a bit. I would be honest
It won't be easy because you love the attention, flirting, boundary crossing that you've already done with this guy. You are both lonely, straved for attention it sounds like. Too bad one of you didn't go to sig other and say, hey, you know I've been talking on the phone with this person and I didn't realize that he/she got so flirty, but it's made me realize that I like the attention and I want it to come from our relationship. Can we work on this?
You are already having an 'emotional' affair - having a secret, etc. If the roles were reversed what advice would you give your bf? You'd be angry, hurt and feel betrayed.
7 Realistic Tips to Prevent Infidelity
Infidelity doesn't just happen. It can be prevented with thought and action. Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli, authors of "Not 'Just Friends': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal," have seven specific tips they outline in their book to help married couples who treasure their union to stay faithful to each other.
How to prevent infidelity in your marriage, excerpted from "Not 'Just Friends'":
1. Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.
2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch alone or take coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a co-worker, meet in public rooms and not in a room with a bed.
3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.
4. Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of the marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.
More tips:
5. Keep old flames from reigniting. If a former lover is coming to the class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with an old flame.
6. Don't go over the line when you're online with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him/her your e-mail if he/she is interested. Invite your partner to join in your correspondence so your Internet friend won't get any wrong ideas. Don't exchange sexual fantasies online.
7. Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around.
A platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work, edges into an emotional affair when three elements are present, Glass says:
* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''
* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''
* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.
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I think you need to realize that both of you are putting your best foot forward, you don't know each other outside of work, don't know the habits and routines, right now it's exciting, stimulating, makes you glow as you bask in the light of attention, but it's not really real. You are both fulfilling a need that not being met (or discussed) at home.
So first you distance yourself from the guy. You set boundaries and maintain them, get the conversations profession. If they stray, set him straight.
Then figure out what you want and need in a relationship and start talking to your boyfriend about those needs. Get him to work with you - read Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue book together. Go to counseling together.
Carrie