Can't take him anywhere!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Can't take him anywhere!
10
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 7:40pm
Quick background - hubby and I have been married almost 20 years. He's 20+ years older than me. He's in his retirement years and I'm just hitting the peak (thus far) of my career and social life. Prior to his retirement, he traveled for a living, so we had to go through the adjustment of him being home all the time after his retirement, but we've done that. Now on to my problem..........

I am involved in many social activities in our community. Through my work, especially volunteer work, I feel like I am well-liked and respected by my peers and community in general. Some of my social activities are political in nature as well. I have always tried to include my husband in these events if he's interested, by inviting him to dinners and other activities. Now that he's home more, he's available to attend more with me. But, it seems, he's totally forgotten how to properly dress or behave for such functions. I'm not a fashion queen, but I believe in wearing proper attire for the function - and being clean and neat whenever in public. He seems to think it's perfectly acceptable to go to these social activities wearing dirty clothes in which he's been working in the yard all day - or wearing his comfy bedroom mocs instead of regular shoes. This has been getting progressively worse for the past couple of years. He went to an awards banquet wearing a shirt with food on it from a meal the day before - I could give lots of examples, but hopefully you're getting the (yuk!) picture.

It's almost as if he deliberately wants to embarrass me in public, among my friends and associates that have respect for me. I've tried to make subtle suggestions on what would be nice to wear, I've tried ignoring it (thinking that if he was trying to bug me, that would defeat his goal) and now I just don't know what to do. I don't mind attending events alone and with the way he's been dressing and acting (mostly just totally inappropriate comments - such as racist remarks) I actually would prefer to attend without him. I really don't want to cut him out of my social life, but I really can't stand this much longer.

I would appreciate any suggestions on how to deal with this behavior and also any insight on why he is doing this.

Thanks!

Reba


Edited 6/20/2004 8:29 pm ET ET by reba04

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 9:17pm
I think you are putting your social life before your husband and he resents it. Maybe you need to do less things outside the home and more things with him. Make him feel appreciated more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 9:26pm
I am home 98% of the time, because I work out of a home office and I go to college online. Much of the volunteer work I do is conducted from my home office. He's working part-time and has hobbies that take up a lot of his time. I have 1 or 2 social outings a month, and not all of those are open to him. I am here with him 3 meals a day, almost all evenings and weekends. I really don't think I'm putting my social life ahead of him. If anything, I have skipped social activities on occasion BECAUSE of him. Some of these activities are connected to career advancement for me, so they're not strictly social-only functions. If I give up much more, I might as well go live in a cave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 9:35pm
That is a lot of time spent at home. But do you ever do anything fun together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 10:08pm
Yes, we do fun things together. We went to a local festival this weekend - you know, one of those small town deals with arts and crafts, street-vended food and live music. We enjoy our evenings together sitting on the porch by the creek, discussing world events, politics and anything else that we're interested in. We occasionally take in a concert or watch a movie together and we take a trip or two each year. We'll be traveling to his 50th high school reunion this fall. Were it not for the fact that I do care about my appearance, I would show up there in hair curlers and fuzzy bedroom slippers - just to give him a taste of what I've been dealing with! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 10:08pm
How has your hubby adjusted to being home and the "retirement" concept? What about seeing a doc for a physical exam and see if anything else is going on for him. Being 20 years older than you, he's probably at a very different place in life. Consider, that he is facing retirement now when you're still in career mode. Are you planning to retire in 20 years? How does he feel about that scenario? Some retiree's feel they're waiting to go to the old home, then the next step. Retirement is usually a time of looking back, then looking forward to - what now? Just some thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Sun, 06-20-2004 - 11:50pm
I think he has now adjusted to the concept and life change of retirement, but has only really been settled in with it for about a couple of years now (he's been retired 6 years.) That was what I was referring to in my first post about having gone through the adjustments of that change. For him (and me) it wasn't just that he didn't have work to go to everyday, but it was also suddenly being together a LOT, after 15 years of usually only being together on weekends. It took awhile, but we've settled in from that and he's found enjoyable things to fill his time with, and has started back working a bit too, which is a good thing.

As for health issues, he had some serious problems about a year ago (cardiac) but has recovered well and is sticking with his treatment plan. I think that scare was somewhat of a wake-up call, and he now has a more positive outlook about retirement and life in general. I don't see him as waiting to go to the old folks home and lay down and die. He's still busy with yardwork, gardening, and our favorite hobby - motorcycles. Not only do we ride, but he does restoration of old bikes - hard work at times, but his favorite hobby. He's certainly not your typical "senior citizen" that spends hours watching TV and playing gin.

His general attitude toward his future is positive and he seems to enjoy his activities. That's why it's so frustrating to me for him to behave like he's been doing when we have the occasional social function to attend together. I think it's childish and even selfish of him to behave that way. I know that there is some school of thought that would say that *I* am the one with the problem, not him, and I can see that, to a point. If that is the case, I see that I have two options - tolerate it (which I refuse to do anymore) or remove him from those activities - which I think may actually be the way to go.

He has been very supportive of me - both morally and financially - as I am working toward a major career change (it involves me working toward my doctorate degree,) so I find it so odd that he also seems to try to undermine me by acting in this manner during these events - especially the political ones.

I would love to hear suggestions of possible solutions other than the two options I listed above. It's still somewhat of a mystery to me!

Reba

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 1:16am
I find it interesting - you mentioned that he says racist things at these public functions - did he talk this way before you retired? How much is he affected by alcohol if he drinks. He may not see that what he is doing is undermining you or your career. He obviously does have a problem with being in social circles. Maybe his dressing down and language are a sign that these social functions don't interest him at this point in his life. How much have you been able to talk with him about what is going on and why things have changed for him so drastically in the last few years? How does he see himself?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 1:53am
Could it be entirely possible, considering his age, that he could be in the beginnings of some sort of minor neurological problem? The social/behavioural things you described sometimes point to something like that, particularly if it's uncharacteristic of a person's normal behaviour pattern.

Just my first impression's two cents worth...

Eve

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 4:45am
That sounds very nice.

Would he object to you picking an outfit for him before you go? My mom does that with my dad - she puts it on the bed otherwise he ends up in stuff that doesn't match and then refuses to change.

I guess what you have to do is tell him it bothers you and how you would want him to change it. The other choice you have is to go without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 06-21-2004 - 2:20pm
those were my thoughts as well ....