can't take it anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
can't take it anymore
5
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 6:03pm
My boyfriend is Muslim and I am catholic. We met and we fell inlove and now we moved in together to my parents house a year ago and have been together for 2 years. At the begining of the relationship we used to talk about our future together and even about marriage. Also, we used talk about having kids after marriage and think about what kind of religion they were going to be. Well we had decided to let them be them selves and just talk to them about both religions. We both had agreed on it but 3 months ago i got pregnant. We had decided to get married later but than we were going to do the process faster because of my pregnancy. Unfortunately, he changed his mind about our whole idea or plans. He was mad at me and wanted me to have an abortion so i was so desilutioned about it. I begged him to have our baby and he said no because he didn't want to get married yet and that he wasn't ready for kids. I was so depressed. Also, he said that the reason was that he cares to much for his religion and he wants his kids to be muslim and i said no. And that he is always planing to go back home since he is from Middle East.I told him i could never move to where he is from. I remind him about our plans but still he said that that is what he wants to do. Well i decided to have an abortion after so much pain, depression, and disagreement about our situation. The problem is that we almost broke up and i told him to move out but somehow we stayed together still. I talked to him about what he want to do from now on. We still live togher and my parents know all the story. I don't know what to do because he said he was going to change to try to work it out here in the US. i have asked him about our future and he gets upset when i talk about it because he says that he doesn't want to marry me or have kids for along time. I am ready to have a family but I don't know what to do anymore. By the way he is 24 and i am 27, i don't know if it has to do with age or just people. Please help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 7:09pm
Personally, he's kind of young to decide on marriage and kids in this moment. I think you should believe him when he says he's not ready and will be moving back.

I know you are in a lot of pain over this, but it's time to move on with your life. My best to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 2:30am
.OMG!!!! Are you living my twin life or something?! I kid you not...My husband is Muslim, I'm catholic. We both live in his parent's house and we just had a baby girl. Like you, we were dating and I got pregnant so we sped things up and got married. Like yours, my hubby told me when we were dating, the same deal, and now he's like avoiding the topic and doesn't really talk about it. Gurl, I feel you. It's not age because I'm 19 and he's 22. I have been so depressed about it all along and I still don't know what to do. I'm a major Catholic as he is Muslim, so it's super hard. I can't believe he didn't want the child or marry you. I'm sorry but he's a terrible guy to go back on your plan and for rejecting your right as a mother. I'm sorry, but after having my daughter just 4 months ago, I can't imagine life without her. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know exactly how you feel cuz I'm still going through it. You're my new pen pal because it seems you're the only one that understands. Gurl, think about the guy. Does he really deserve you? Is he the kind of guy you want for the rest of your life? You want to settle down but he doesn't, you want kids and he doesn't, not only that but you can't wait much longer, the years of no more childbirth are getting close...think about it and I will totally pray for you, him, and your unborn child. If you ever need to talk, email me...I know how depressing it is. God bless...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 7:20am
What a two-faced bastard! How can he possibly be discussing raising his children as Muslims, when he has already sinned at a level that would get him tossed out of the Mosque and would have had you stoned to death. I wouldn't go advertising that you're overly "Catholic" either. I support your right to decide, but your decision puts you in the moral camp that does not include Catholics. Did the idea of sending your two-faced BF packing to the ME while you raised your child or gave it to a loving home ever cross your mind? Frankly, I see nothing but disaster for you in this realationship. When BF goes back to the ME, all the rules will change. He will suddenly get religion, you'll be the subserviant tool relegated to the kitchen and to cleaning, and you'll get your face slapped off for even going out in public with your hair showing. This sounds like a really great opportunity to move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:01am

hugs! sweetie you have a LOAD of problems here, and the fact that you are both of different relgions, AND that he is from the middle east and plans to "go back" --- just add to the many other MAJOR problems.


let's just look at what is going on right now, putting the religion/family background aside for a moment:







1. you are 24 and 27 years old, and you are living together in your parent's house. that, to begin with, doesn't sound like a great begining to a relationship at that age. personnally, i think that before you get into the living together/getting married, you need to live on your own, support yourself, find yourself, etc.


2. essentially, he made you get an abortion, even tho you didn't want to. i am not going to go into the abortion issue per se, i imagine that it was painful for you. but i think that you allowed yourself to do this BECAUSE you were afraid to lose him. and THAT is very scary to me. it means that you put HIM before ANYTHING ELSE. which is, i am sorry to say, the situation in many typical middle eastern families - even so called modern ones. the man is the man, and the woman is a slave (no matter WHAT he tells you!)


3. <> again, without going into the other factors here - if YOU want to get married and have kids - then HE is not the person for you. he has PROVEN to you that he DOESN'T want to get married and have kids.


and now, for the Middle eastern/muslim vs christian issue:


i don't knw him, or you. i do however live in the middle east (i am jewish, not muslim). and i can tell you that even after living in the middle east for most of my life, and even tho i live in a so-called modern country, there are STILL things that happen here that literally boggle my mind. its a different mentality, a different way of life, different morals, customs, etc. unless you absolutely know for a fact that he is secular and is not planning on being muslim or raising his kids as muslim , i would be very very very careful here. because if you do end up moving back to the middle east - you will be forced to dress and act like a good arab woman, and your children will be moslem, and in the event that you decide to get divorced - you will NOT get your kids, probably you will never see them again. it happens in israel, i know of jewish women who married arab men.


please - be careful, and think about the WHOLE picture. it doesn't look good.



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 1:34pm
Thank you so much for your advice and for taking the time on reading my pains and worries. I totally understand your situation too. I feel so sad and i really don't know how to move on now. I have cried so much and talked to him to stay here in the USA but said that he will think about it. I swear that i am so depressed and i don't know what would i do without him now. I feel like there is no life. One time i kicked him out about last month and i was crying like a baby trying to explain him that i loved him so much and told him to lets try to move on after so much problems. You know my family are great people they treat him same like before even he has hurt me so much. I really want to keep you as a friend please keep in contact. Please help me to survive this pain.