can't think straight, don't know what2do

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
can't think straight, don't know what2do
5
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 9:53pm
Alright here is the problem, I need some seriously good advice. I am a divorced single mom of 2, 25 yrs. old. I have been in a semi long term relationship with a 27 year old never been married guy for almost a year & a half. It has been an awesome relationship, no real problems, everything has been great. On both ends. About 4 months ago my dad fell ill and the kids and I moved closer to him, and it was just supposed to be temporary. My BF and I are almost 3 hours away. We have spent every weekend together.



About a month ago he started getting moody and cranky. I thought it was just a bump in the road until 2 weeks ago I brought it up to him in a serious talk sort of way. I asked him point blank if he thought our relationship was going anywhere and he said he didn't know. He is at a crossroads with his career. He works as a personal trainer at a gym. We decided to take a break. We talked a few times that following week and I told him one night that I thought he was keeping something from me. He said that the only thing he had been hiding is that a few months ago a new girl joined the gym and he was very attracted to her and she had been flirting with him. He said that was all. Well, he called the next day having a crisis of conscience to tell me that the same day we decided to "take a break" he had a few drinks to settle down, and drove by the gym to see if that girl happened to be working out. Well she was and he asked her out. They went out that night and the most they did was kiss. He says that the next day they decided nothing more would happen, it was over, a mistake. I asked him her name, and he said it was Rachel.

Fast foreward to last weekend. I went to get some of my stuff and he took me out to a restaurant to talk. He said he didn't want to give up on us yet and he just felt pressured to get married and he wasn't ready yet, etc. etc. and would I please agree to try and make things work. I said yes, and we had a pretty honest talk about what each of us needed from the relationship. Anyhow, later on that night at his house I was feeling curious so I looked at the call list on his cel phone and the number that he was calling that night with the girl was in his phone as "TFNY", and there were no more calls from that number since that night. So I figured he lied to me about her name but I guess that was forgivable so I didn't bring it up.

Fast foreward to this morning. He calls me to say good morning, blah blah, and mentions he is going to start running on the beach every sunday with his best friend & his wife, and a girl he works with at the gym named Jenny wants to go too, and do I feel comfortable with that. I said sure, I don't mind, and then he says "and Jenny's friend, Tiffany, who also works at the gym might start running with us too".... I got really quiet and he wanted to know what was wrong, so I told him what I did. He says she didn't want to be drug into anything, so he lied about her name. But he also lied about her just being a member. She works there. We got in an argument about him lying to me and me checking up on him, and we haven't talked since this morning.

Now I am upset because of the obvious, but he is mad at me for looking in his phone. He said he already had a ex girlfriend who would check up on him, blah blah, and he doesn't want history to repeat itself. Now I don't think I am out of line, but I guess he does. I am very confused about how to deal with this. Does anyone know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 10:04pm
Hi there. I am glad you found out that he was lying, cheating, and dating other women. You need to know this. The fact is that he is NOT READY to have a relationship with you. He likes the easy sex with you but does not love you enough to not look for other dating opportunities. It is so sad since you like him and are living with him.

I would move out, cut my losses, and dump him just because he clearly does not love you enough since he is dating others. If you were the ONE for him, he would not have desire to date other people. So this is your cue to leave.

Good luck and be glad you found out now before you accidently married the guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 10:12pm
Wow that was a lot of fastforwarding : ) but to be honest, I cant come up with anything positive in reference to the future of this relationship. It appears to me that there is no trust on your behalf and a lack of honesty on his. These are two important aspects in a relationship without it you will find drama and issues around the corner every time.

Then I would also have a red flag about the fact that he went off and asked someone out that worked at his gym after acting funny with you. What happens the next time he is afraid about something or having issues with your relationship?

I would suggest that you guys take a break but i truly know how that goes. Take time to evaluate yourself and this relationship and see what it is that you think can come out of it weighing the pros and cons of whats happened thus far.

You know you best, go for your gut feeling....thats usually the one thats the scariest

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 8:32am
i undestand you are upset - but i don't see where he cheated on you. you said you were on a break. and no, you shouldn't have looked thru his phone, it was none of your biz if he spoke to a girl or not. (even if you ARE dating him, a guy is allowed to have female friends)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 5:27pm
It sounds to me like your boyfriend has been quite ambivalent about this relationship for a while. It concerns me that as SOON as you decide to take a break, he immediately hooks up with someone else. If I were you, I would cut my losses and move on. He's not being honest with you, and you don't trust him (rightfully so).

Let us know what you decide!

toriphile322

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 5:49pm
Was he seeing her while you were dating or on a break?

'He said he already had a ex girlfriend who would check up on him,'

Hmmmm....could be she was going through the same as you.