career problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
career problem
10
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 8:25am
Hi Dr. Ruth:

I have a problem. I'll give you some background about me and my fiance. I'm getting married in less than a month. I have a masters degree and my fiance has a doctorate degree. I graduated 2 years ago and had a very difficult time finding a job in my field.I got one job offer last year but it was out of town. I consulted with my boyfriend (that time he wasn't my fiance), and we decided that our relationship is more important than anything else so I stayed. it took me another 6 months to find a job. Now I love my job and I'm so happy with it.

few weeks ago my fiance got a job offer in a city that is very far from our city. now he wants to move there because he believes it's a very good opportuinity for him and for us as a family. he says I'll be able to find a job there. I'm so tired of looking for job, I don;t wanna move there at all. all my life is here, my family and friends and my job.

This has been a big conflict between us and I don’t know what to do. he really wants to go and I dont wanna go at all.

what do you say?

should I go with him?what happens to my job?I hate that city , it's so cold there. I don't wanna live there. do you think I'm selfish? I'm confused and upset. I'm not enjoying my wedding planning at all always thinking about what's going to happen.

please help me.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: savaf1355
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 7:27pm
That's a tough one. You finally have a job you like, you are getting married, you don't want to move, etc....

Can you do your current job via computer and go into the office a few times a month? Can you work something out with them?

I hope someone has some good advice for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
In reply to: savaf1355
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 8:17am
Thanks for your reply "itwinflame" , no I can not do my job over there. I have to quit and look for another job there:( I don't know what to do....I'm really frustrated.

please can someone give me an advice....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: savaf1355
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:11am
Question, could the majority of this be getting homesick before you even go? First the reason that I ask is due to your comments on friends and family. He is getting a better offer for what will soon be your family, right? Have you researched job opportunities in that area to see if it might be easier for you to gain a position there? In a city there are usually alot more options available to you than in a smaller burg. You cant 'know' what youre going to go through before you look into it. You obviously have a pc, find out what newspaper they have and look at it online. They list the classifieds.

I know that its hard to leave everything that you know but you need to look at the situation for the logistics of what you want to see for your marriage and future family and see what is the better goal. Are you going to stay at home for a while after you have a child? Is there a possibility of going to another area with the same offer for him? Are you being fair on your dislike of the city or are you mainly just hating it because it will be the reason that you dont see your home as much? What are your goals for the marriage and what will help you gain ground for the future better?

The hard part about it is that you are both going to have to make this situation not based on your own wants, but for the progression of your family (of two right now) into a stronger and more stable time for when you introduce children (if you do). Its really hard to make the right decisions and to turn off your emotions when you are faced with the unknown. But that doesnt mean that youre right. Nor does that mean that he is. Only you can know which is honestly the better choice to make for your lives together. If you are focusing on temperatures, realize that you would have about one hard year of it before your body acclimated to it. I flew to WA from WV and I nearly froze to death but others were wearing shorts, lol. Others told me that I would get used to it in a year if I stayed.

I know that you dont want to even think on it, but do some research and face it fairly. Family will always be in your life and friends come and go in your life based on making the right decisions for their own futures but your marriage is (very hopefully) permanent and you must make good decisions - both of you - for its thriving and success. Only you two can know, after a long businesslike discussion where you keep your feelings out of it as much as you can and lay it down, what is the best move for you. Feelings can change, its all relative.

If this option is so unappealing to you, are there others that might be a more easy thought to try? Show him facts about why you dont want to go, not feelings. Research the job market as it pertains to you there. But, please, be fair when you do this, and tell him to be also. Look at it as it IS not how you WANT IT TO BE.

I wish you the best of luck and dont let the first united decision that you must make tear you two apart. Its a problem, there are always more coming, show each other that you are willing to compromise or make the right decision for the greater good of your marriage vs operating in single mode. Its not just you or just him anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
In reply to: savaf1355
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 5:10am
Remind him that when you were considering a move to another city, that he agree that your relationship was more important than anything else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: savaf1355
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 11:56am
You're both being a little selfish. Part of entering into marriage is being willing to compromise some of your personal wants for the better good of the relationship as a whole. Consider this situation from a pragmatic and logical perspective before making any final decisions. Consider:

- What are the cost of living differences between the two cities? Can you better afford a home in one place over the other?

- What are the lifestyle dynamics of the two cities? Does one city offer more opportunity for things you wish to pursue in your leisure time?

- What is your plan for if/when you have children? Are one of you planning on staying at home with the newborn for a period of time?

- How difficult/costly would it be to travel home quarterly if you moved?

These things are just as important (if not even more important) than your or his emotional attachment to a job. You are planning a life together - do it smart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
In reply to: savaf1355
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 6:28pm
thank you very much for your comments. I guess you're right, the main reason for me not wanting to go is, 1. fist my job. It's a very good job and I found it after a long long search 2. my family and friends, 3. the city itself.

we talked today and came up to a cunclusion, tell me what you think:

we decided that we will get married in 3 weeks as we plannned before, he goes to that city for 6 months to see if he likes the job and the city. then he'll start to look for a job for me when he finds me one I'll go. he says accepting this job will make it easier for him in future to get a position in the city that we're currently living in. He says he'll try his best to get a position back in this city. I hope he does:)

do you think it was a good decision that we made?

as for the city itself, it's a small city, there is a chance for me to find a job there. It's very cold there and thre is not much we can do there.
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: savaf1355
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 7:42pm
Im coming in late on this but I strongly urge you to reconsider. Distance in any relationship and CERTAINLY a new marriage can be very damaging. Why was it that your fiance couldnt support YOU when you had a great opportunity? You chose the relationship. Now the tables are turned and you are supposed to give up everything? Correct me if Im misunderstanding your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: savaf1355
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:55am
I am not certain that youre staying behind will do anything other than make it worse on the both of you, due to "still being apart". No one wants to start out the first months of their marriage apart, thats supposed to be the time when you are stuck up each others noses making everyone else around you vomit. lol

I really do think that you should make some calls today and find out what the names of the newspapers are and go to their classifieds on the web. You should be able to look up possible prospects, employment agencies, leads on where to find where you might go. If you cant find a thing, or a promise of a thing, then there is a point that you can show to him. But either way, you cant stay because of worries and he cant go on hopes. This has to be done on FACTS, thats the only way.

But him going and your staying is still operating a bit too much in single mode and believe me, it would put alot of stresses on your relationship that you wouldnt want to think on being newly married. Hes doing his thing, you're doing yours... its being said for now, but at the same time, that very easily could make it harder on you to leave "He's lived without me for these few months, why not longer." It gets too easy.

What you two are going to have to do is to figure out which one, because unless youre apart, you really cant do both. Though it sounds nice, its going to cause lots of hardships that you cant forsee when you havent been there yet.

The best thing that you two could do in my eyes is to make a list on GO/STAY and form out the pros and cons. Take everything into account including family, jobs, long term wishes (Kids, home, surroundings, education, standard of living, the loss of your income if you go, the loss of his improved income if he stays, etc...) and see where that gets you. Sometimes the thing of laying it down on paper makes it easier.

If it were me, and this is JUST ME, I would go. Reason? Even with as extremely close as I am to my family, the jobs say it. He is progressing, you are wanting to stay to keep at the same level. His way means advancement, and your way means just employment, know what I mean? Because of that, and the option to come back in the forseeable future, I myself would go. But as I said, thats just the way that I would do it. I understand being close to your family, but thats the good thing about it. Family is a constant, no matter the miles, you can only lose them by death. Even then, they never leave our hearts. Over friends, one thing I would like you to think on. Friends only drift away if you choose to let them. With the telephone, the internet, your family being close to them, you can keep in touch. But they will also start expounding upon their lives and you cant stay near them in the hopes that they will always be local. Even if they are, their own lives get messy enough to where you take a very distant backseat usually. Life has a way of centralizing our minds to what directly affects us. Thats family, immediate and distant.

But if it were me, Id be looking at staying and possibly stagnating, or doing what I can to advance and for my family to progress though it might not be the most appealing thing.

Thats like with me - my husband and I worked together for four years. Thats how we met. We worked side by side, day in and day out, showered together, lol everything. We loved it, we were the greatest of friends, it was a fantastic time (That most people couldnt stand, they say, lol)

Last October he got a job offer that we couldnt pass up. It was more hours, it was better pay, and he could advance quickly. The glitch was that we have one car, I would have to quit and come home, and I couldnt work there with him. Its been rough, I wont lie. lol There are days when I wait for the walls to answer me back because Im not used to this. But, he's already advanced once, and they are talking him into doing it again. Its different, its hard, but for the greater good of the family its worth it. (The kids get to see their mom at home every day when they get here. lol)

Thats the problem with your situation though honey, and Im NOT saying it has to be you, but SOMEONE has got to give a little for the greater good of the family. Really, you both should and I hope that you can find a way to, because there is one - there always is, but someone has got to say "Ok, this time, I give." As I say, you both should be. Otherwise its a marriage of singles and its going to break. You two are going to have to put in input and form a decision together. Any other way is going to cause huge problems. I know its rough, I know it stinks, but ...well, welcome to being married. :) Compromise means you lose something to gain something. Both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
In reply to: savaf1355
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 12:49pm
I have to say I don't necessarly agree with you. First of all my career is as important as his career. I worked hard to get to where I am now and it's not fair to ask me to give it all up. I know some women will do it but I won't. you might think I'm still in single mode but it's not true. I like this thing to work out but I have to feel that my feelings and my career is being considered as much as his in any decsion we make.

another thing is that, when he went for the interview in that city he never consulted me, he never asked me if I want to go with him assuming that I will. Now he cant expect me to follow him anywhere he goes like a sheep.

I love him and the plan I told you about shows that I like this to work. he's the one that says he'll go even if I don't go with him. that shows that he wants this job only for himslef and not for his family.

thanks for all your help and for letting me know what you think...it made me think a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: savaf1355
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:33pm
What I put was not for you to throw your dreams away. As I said,

"I really do think that you should make some calls and go to their classifieds on the web. You should be able to look up possible prospects, employment agencies, leads on where to find where you might go. If you cant find a thing, or a promise of a thing, then there is a point that you can show to him. But either way, you cant stay because of worries and he cant go on hopes. This has to be done on FACTS, thats the only way."

What I meant was that you could have an informed opinion on both, not just missing your family and friends and the current job situaion so that you can show him yes, or you can see that you might actually have better opportunities there. But either way, its a fair minded decision not based on emotions but fact. And I wanted you to do that for both sides.


"The best thing that you two could do in my eyes is to make a list on GO/STAY and form out the pros and cons. Take everything into account including family, jobs, long term wishes (Kids, home, surroundings, education, standard of living, the loss of your income if you go, the loss of his improved income if he stays, etc...) and see where that gets you. Sometimes the thing of laying it down on paper makes it easier. "

Again, Im not asking you to just follow him as a sheep, but looking at the situation as a family decision and not merely emotions. What I am recommending is research

"His way means advancement, and your way means just employment, know what I mean? Because of that, and the option to come back in the forseeable future, I myself would go. But as I said, thats just the way that I would do it. "

lol, Im not a sheep either, but at the moment I am a homemaker which can be more work than you could ever imagine. lmao Not a sheep but a recycler (mother)

"But if it were me, Id be looking at staying and possibly stagnating, or doing what I can to advance and for my family to progress though it might not be the most appealing thing."

Because you said that he was going ahead and from what I gathered, your staying was just to stay where you are. If I am wrong, forgive me but that is what I gathered.

"You two are going to have to put in input and form a decision together. Any other way is going to cause huge problems. I know its rough, I know it stinks, but ...well, welcome to being married. :) Compromise means you lose something to gain something. Both of you."

Again, its not a compromise, youre doing what you want and he is doing what he wants and I dont see how this is going to do anything but make it harder for you but I know you feel strongly about it. There are alot of things, that I wont put into your head, that you will later have to deal with where you two will be still living in different places and now different by many miles. Long distance relationships dont get easier just because you are married, in fact that can cause even more of a strain on something already awful. You get married not to live apart, but together. The problem is that I think you are trying to get him to bend, he is trying to get you to bend, and its going to end up with you both breaking... up.

Pointing blame that he did it first doesnt help either. Yes, he did. Yes, you are too. There is not really one more than the other, which is normal in an argument, as is fingerpointing, lol. But you two dont need to be arguing, you need to be talking. Its not a contest, its not about who started it, its about fixing the damage that has been done by all of this, if you can, before you just decide to deal with it later and marry and then find out that its something that you cant move past.

This stubborness on both of your parts is a dangerous thing to your dealings with each other. First, it sounds as if you two are just merely fighting about it, not even considering the others point of view because of emotions. This is NOT a way for you two to be setting your hearts on marriage in the slightest.

Jobs come and go but you two are SUPPOSED to be choosing each other forever but it doesnt sound like either of you is even considering listening instead of fighting for what you want. I hope I am wrong, I really do.

I do wish you the best of luck, I do hate that you are going through this and i hope that you two can find a way to figure it out.