Case Of The Ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2003
Case Of The Ex
2
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:15pm
It's offical, I belong in a arcade because I feel like human pin ball machine with my current boyfriend, and his current ex. I need some good advice.

History....

I've been with my boyfriend Jamie for five months offically. We met at work last September and we both were involved with other people. However, we were both unhappy with those other people....but dedicated to them.

I was a new hire and Jamie was one of the people who trained me, and from our first conversation, we had a simpatico I would like to think. He had a stare on me that I seemed to burn a hole right through me and his gaze never left me. I was aware that he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend, and I didn't think much of anything - but I did develop a crush on him in a short time. It wasn't so much the way he looked but the things he did that got me interested. I liked that he adored his niece and talked about her all the time. I liked that the plates on his car had the name of a friend of his that died a few years ago. And he had a great sense of humor.

Little did I know - he had the same feeling about me.

Months passed, and we said no more then hellos when crossing paths in the office. I honestly thought that is all that would ever be. Then Jamie got promoted to a supervisor position and his lunch hour was changed to the same hour as mine. Early November, we sat alone in the break room on our breaks and since Halloween had just passed, we mentioned what we both did and discovered we were both avid movie buffs and it went from that, to hanging out on lunch, to developing real feelings for each other.

Now, it forced us to look deeply into our relationships and what was really going to make us happy. Each other. Right? I believe in Jamie's situation, the relationship was over a year before it actually ended. It was one of those things where he knew it wasn't going well, but obligation and caring can almost feel like love. I know because it was how things were with my relationship. I loved the person I was with, but circumstances were working too hard against us.

*Not to mention we worked together and saw one another more then we saw the people we were with. It's hard to crush a feeling when the person is sitting across from you and you have to interact with them as part of your job.

So, eventually Jamie and I were able to see each other. Things seemed good between us and we had alot of laughs and good times together. We enjoyed one another sincerely and fell inlove. However, we both felt an obligation to the people we were with. My ex- boyfriend eventually moved back to Florida (I'm from New York) a couple weeks after we stopped being together.

Jamie had a tougher time with his ex Candice. It was more then emotional, but also financial. He felt that she wouldn't be able to handle the fact that he had a new girlfriend because she had a tough childhood, Jamie was her world, and she was a very sensitive/insecure person. She ALSO had a 3000 loan in his name that if she decided not to pay, would be him at risk of paying it. So, Candice didn't know Jamie was seeing someone else for almost two months into our relationship. I tried to be understanding and sympathetic but after two months, I felt like I was being more of a door mat to Candice.

The Problem....

At first, I supported a friendship between him and Candice. I know what it feels like to lose a boyfriend and not have the option of knowing him anymore. That can hurt badly, and maybe from my own experience....I wanted to encourage him to be friends with her if he wanted it. I was alittle naive to this I guess because when she did find out about me - she hated my guts. She called me names, she made threats to come to my house, she threatened to kill me and then herself....but Jamie, who I know cares about her tried to maintain a friendship. She told him either he stays single and be friends with her, be with her, or never talk to her again.

I tolerated this for as long as I could because Jamie felt bad for her. Eventually, I got tired of the cat and mouse game. I sat there with Jamie one night during a conversation with her on the phone and it sounded like a couple fighting then two friends talking. They both have tempers too. I was called every name in the book. I didn't feel like Jamie defended me as much as he should've because of his guilt and the fact that Candice had a $3,000 cloud over his head. So, I confronted Candice one night on the phone and whatwas meant to be a mellow conversation turned into war of the words. She was impossible to talk to and she pushed many of my buttons and nothing was accomplished. *She has since paid the loan off in full.*

So, now we disliked each other without even knowing anything to base it on. Jamie had tried numerous times to establish a friendship with this girl - but everytime he tells her I come with the deal - she gets angry and cuts me apart. Everyone has been saying a friendship isn't possible because she still has feelings for him and wants to be with him. And she is going to cause problems no matter who he is with. She had told him its only me she has a problem with. And we've had arguments about her many times.

However, I know he cares for her and believes her to be a good person and could be a very good friend. Even with all this strife, I'm trying to be supportive. I even wrote her an email to let her know how I felt and that she has to accept me in his life in order for a friendship to be possible. Or, I won't be involved with it any other way. I've been as fair as I can be....but I think its getting alittle weird.

He did tell her she has to be accepting of me and that he loves me and so forth. Now she says she is accepting of me but just doesnt want to hear about his feelings for me. She suggested they hang out next week and I don't know how I feel about that.

I know there isn't a sexual feeling on Jamie's end - and I know his REALLY just wants to be friends. Yet, there has been so much bad blood that knowing he is out with Candice makes me feel anxious. He says I'm afraid something might happen. I honestly don't think he would do anything with her but I know that she shows a neediness for him that I don't. Guys like that. One of my male friends even said that independence is scary to some guys.

In my heart, I don't think Candice really wants to be on a friendly level with me but will tolerate me to get to be around Jamie. All I really want is to come to a peaceful resolution and not have to talk about Candice and I should ad that Jamie is equally paranoid with my ex - Dan. He asks me if I liked him better, if I still have feelings, etc. Dan and I have spoken since, and Dan still devotes his feelings towards me openly but he had never had ill words towards Jamie and is more mature about the situation. (We are all in our 20's.)

I feel sometimes he puts Candice in a spot that she really shouldnt be in because he has guilty feelings about leaving her. I think he allows her to walk all over him sometimes, hey, I witnessed it. I also don't think she is as fragile as he says she is. But he is obviously going to be more sensitive to her then I will.

So- what do I do? Do I allow his friendship with this person and hope that evetually the bad feelings will subside and it will be no big deal? Is is odd on his end to be acting like this? Has anyone been in this situation before? Anything offered is welcomed!

:)




Edited 5/20/2004 2:46 pm ET ET by ravenlocks22

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:26pm
It's too bad that he won't give her some time alone to heal. With the loan and his desire to be the 'good guy' and remain her friend, she's latched on to 'false hope' that if she pushes hard enough, demands enough, she will get her way. Some times you have to be cruel to be kind. He's so busy trying to keep her happy that he doesn't see he's become a doormat to her emotions. She's not a good friend, she's verbably abusive. He's trying to please two women. His loyality lies with you now.

I hope someone else has some good advice.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:48pm
Do you really want to be with a man who doesn't have enough backbone to tell his ex that he has moved on with his life? People break up, go their separate ways and move on to new relationships, that is the fact of life. No one is responsible for the other. So she owes Jamie $3000, he needs to demand it back, if she doesn't budge, take her ass to small claims court. I think Jamie enjoys the fact that Candice is dependent on him and that in itself is a red flag. It is a sick twisted game of co-dependence that is not healthy.

Stop focusing so much on what Candice is doing, take a closer look at your so called boyfriend. Why is he so insistent on remaining friends with Candice? High school is over, you guys are growing up now, start acting like it.