Catch 22 - men (&women) please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Catch 22 - men (&women) please help
5
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 12:36pm

We are both middle aged and have been dating 4 years, engaged for almost the last 2. I don't want any type of wedding. He has older kids, mostly in college, and I get along with all of them fine. I have been divorced for years and have no kids. Our relationship has been monogomous all along, and we do not live together. We spend most of our time at his house (which is bigger than my apt). I basically live there on the weekends and see him 2-3 times a week after work. I've been like a wife for a long time now. I spend all my free time with him, and have no interest in meeting or dating other men.

Though he keeps insisting he will marry me, he refuses to set a date. I started getting really anxious about it around Feb-March of this year. I told him I didn't want to go through the holidays (Thanksgiving/Xmas) again not knowing what's going on with us. I said I wanted to be married by the end of the year. He told me a fews weeks ago that he agrees with that idea, but still he will not set a date, or, especially, tell his kids we are finally getting married. A few months ago, I started wearing my engagement ring less and less because I honestly don't know if he'll ever marry me. Now, I don't wear it at all.

When I ask him why he refuses to set a date, he talks circles. He asks "how do you know I won't set a date" and says other things like that. He says I just want to be married -- to anyone, it doesn't matter who. He says he has concerns, because I "have issues" and "change the rules" all the time. One of the ways I "change the rules" is this.

About 3-4 weeks ago, I told him I couldn't handle a sexual relationship with him anymore and that I preferred not to spend the night at his house anymore. I said I had no interest in dating other men, that I still wanted to see him all the time, still considered us engaged, but that I've been worried sick for 2 years that he will nevr not marry me, and that at this point, I feel too vulnerable to continue having sex. He is amazed I am doing this and willing to have a relationship without sex. He has now told me there is no way he will make plans to marry a woman who refuses to have sex. So we are absolutely on hold, seemingly forever. I asked him whether he still considers us engaged and all he says is, "YOU are the one who took off your engagement ring. YOU are the one who is doing this."

Men, especially - Why is he doing this, and what should I do? I am torn apart. I honestly cannot continue being a pretend wife anymore to this man who won't even set a wedding date after 4 years. I wonder if I am being used. I miss him and I miss having sex with him, but I feel more and more like a total fool and complete idiot. Not to mention increasingly humiliated, and rejected.

Please share your thoughts. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 2:23pm

I'm really sorry about this guy. Two years is a long time to be engaged, and really what is an engagement if you don't want to plan a date??

Give this guy a date that you want to BE MARRIED by, and stick to it. After four years with this man and being engaged for two, you deserve a concrete answer. If he can't agree to the date, then let him go, because he doesn't really intend to marry you.

GOOD LUCK and here's hoping he will finally make good on the promise he made to you when he offered you that ring.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 2:37pm

Summer, I'm really sorry. He's doing this for two reasons:

1. He doesn't want to get married. I'm not sure if he specifically doesn't want to marry YOU, or if he doesn't want to marry anyone, but you're the one in the relationship, and you're the one who won't be walking down the aisle.

2. You're letting him do it. You can pressure him to marry you, in which case he will turn things around on you as he has been; you can break up with him, which will cause him to blame you for not being committed to the relationship; or you can accept that he's not going to marry you and let things go on as they are.

I don't know what his problem is, but if you're in this relationship for the long haul, be aware that he's not at all ready for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 3:10pm

Thanks for your succinct post. Yous said "1. He doesn't want to get married."

I've said this to him till I'm blue in the face. Yet, he tells me he does want to get married. I say, "Then why won't you set a date?" He says, "who says I won't?"

And it goes on and on and on, and has been for months.

I don't want to pressure him to marry me if he doesn't want to, and I've told him that. I've begged him many times to just TELL me if he doesn't want to get married.

So he's being dishonest, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 4:47pm

No, he's being a coward. The person who says he won't set a date is him, by not setting one. Who is he kidding? Only himself. I don't think this is an argument you can win. If you pressure him and he finally sets a date, you end up with a reluctant groom who already has a tendency to wriggle and roll when the topic becomes heavier than he wants to deal with. What kind of a husband would he make, if he has to twist everything in a discussion? How will you ever talk about anything important?

I think he's just a good-time guy, an emotional bantam-weight who is manipulating you into doing exactly what he wants, which is nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 5:06pm

Welcome to the board summer465,


After reading both of your posts, what jumps out the most is that your relationship at this point is a power struggle.