caught fiancé again...please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2004
caught fiancé again...please help me
7
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 9:40am
I piped in last week with a discussion about my fiancé corresponding with women for custom porn videos/DVDs. Well, I busted him two nights ago as he was corresponding with one of his ladies. I asked, "So, how is Tyler these days" and got a grin similar to that of a little child who's been caught sneaking into the cookie jar. I didn't get all bent out of shape this time, as I have in the past. I simply asked, so when's the next video/DVD coming and he honestly answered, "We are working on that". After that, he got all defensive and has pretty much pulled away from me in a respects...sleeping alone, eating alone, not communicating; just plain cold. (this is very uncharacteristic of him since he is always embracing and wanting to spend time together)

I told him I have been seeking advice of others to try and deal with the situation and I think that really added to the fire because he went off on that. I thought that is what he wanted me to do but evidently not.

I have run out of options...if I get up in his face about this I get the same treatment as I do if I just try to ignore the situation (as much as I hate to).

Along the same lines, before he was telling me the reason he goes to find people to fulfill his fetishes/fantasies is for the variety...if that's so, why then does he continue to go back to the same girl? What are your thoughts people?

Please help.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:22am

The real question here is why are you still with this man?? Clearly, he is being disloyal to you. He has a serious sexual problem (involving addiction to porn and the inability to be faithful.) Before you are even married he lets you clearly know that he needs variety. Open up your ears and hear what he is saying. Unless you want to be in a marriage where there is communication with other women, and very possibly sexual activity with others as well, get out of this relationship as fast as you can. His stonewalling you when you bring it up is just his way of saying that he is unwilling to face what's going on or take responsibility for his behavior. He's punishing you by withdrawing. His behavior indicates that this man is completely unable to be in a mature situation where trust, communication and clarity are needed.


So, look at yourself carefully? Why are you still there? Get help in understanding this and dealing with what's on your plate.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 1:29pm
Hon, you probably won't like this, but it's time for you to end this relationship and you know it. Stop making excuses for him, don't put your head in the sand.

He's got more fantasy, fetish needs that you can fulfill. He likes this, wants to do it and he's not going to change. You can love him enough, give him enough sex, be nice a nice, good enough, better, etc. because it's NOT you. It's him. His beliefs, values, morals, etc justify his behavior, choices, decisions and he doesn't care the effect on his relationship with you. He expects you to put up with it. Now he's withdrawn emotional as well as physically from you. He's got intimacy (close emotional ties) issues. It's easy to live a fantasy without being their emotionally. He can check out and still get his fantasy's met. He's not ready for a committed relationship in the same way that you are.

I hope you know and believe that you deserve better and that you can't heal this. Good luck to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:36pm
I definately agree with the other 2 ladies on this one. Trust me, I married a guy like that. He says he just needs something different, it's a fantacy thing...in my opinion it's a ridiculous thing. The fact that he is going to the same woman for these DVD's also says something. When I was dating my husband he would occasionally talk dirty to a woman, and I'm thinking...I'm standing right here! You could have the real thing right now! You know? And I know that kid caught in the cookie jar look, that's the look my guy always had and still has every time I catch him at anything. I promise you it won't stop after you are married, in my experience it can even get worse, not to mention, it seems like he only gets aroused these days if he gets caught doing something wrong...he loves trouble and it sounds like your guy does too. Trust me that you will regret sticking with him, I do and it's really hard working through these issues, esp when they don't care to communicate!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 4:00pm
We can't change in others what they don't want to change about themselves. Unfortunately, he has no desire to change his behavior. It is time for you to part ways. It is not you, and you must remember that. Your fiance has problems. If he wants to live like a bachelor without having to explain or account for his behavior, then he should remain a bachelor.

You will be happier either on your own or with another man in the future than you would be second-guessing this man's behavior throughout your married life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:29pm
Four words.....Get rid of him! Why would anyone marry someone they already know they can't trust. You are begging to be hurt and dissapointed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:56pm
Custom porn DVD you say? This can't possibly lead to anything good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 3:07pm
He is not ready for marriage.It is time to get out.