Caught him again! Help! Quick!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Caught him again! Help! Quick!
10
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:32am
(I posted this on a couple of other boards, too)

We're in our 40's. We dated for a year, I broke up with him because I didn't feel like we were going anywhere. Stayed friends - then found out that he had cheated on me while we were together (found out long after I broke up with him). However, he never would say we were exclusive while we were together (although we discussed it), so technically it didn't count, right? Whatever. Went my own way for a year and so did he, but we stayed friends after a big blow-up over the cheating. About a year after that (been about a year now) we decided we wanted to be together again, but this time only under an exclusive relationship. I insisted, or no way. Been together for a year now (so that totals three in case you're counting). We've talked several times since we got back together about being exclusive and whether it was still working for us, and he always insisted he was very happy the way things were between us and with our relationship. He went to therapy for quite a while, too. Took me home to meet his family not too long ago, and I honestly thought there was a fair chance I might be seeing an engagement ring in the near future. He's brought up marriage and buying a home together at least three times in the last few months, so I thought we were doing fine and moving along in a good direction.

Got my radar up for some reason today and checked his email. Never did that before during the entire time we have been together. Found an email from another woman. He had just ended their relationship telling her he had found someone he loved and wanted to be with. Didn't see his original email to her, but that's what she said in her reply (she was happy for him that he had found someone to love and that she understood, blah, blah, blah) in her email back to him. She is long distance, and further checking revealed that he would stop in and see her whenever he was in her town (he travels for work a lot), call her all the time, etc. As recently as December they were together. Could be more, who knows? Heck, could be more women, too! Lot's of gaps in the email record so I don't really know for sure the extent of it all, but the bottom line is he was carrying on with her the entire time we have been back together.

I packed my things things from his place, left the key, and went home. He's still at work. I came home and saw she was online. I IM'd her asking if we could talk, but she didn't respond. He called me about 15-20 minutes later. I didn't answer that call. He left a message saying just regular stuff, but he never calls while he's at work so I'm sure she called him and told him I IM'd her. I don't care if he knows about that. In fact, I wrote him and told him I checked his email and found out what was going on. He called again and I didn't answer that, either. He hasn't seen my email yet, he's still at work. I didn't flame him or anything, just told him what I'd found out and how, and that I was vey sad things had come to this.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out my next steps. I'll live if it just ends here, but what if he comes back saying he wants to stay together, he's sorry, etc? How do you rebuild after something like this? Should I even try? What do you say if someone wants to "do whatever it takes" to fix things? LOL! Can you see I am sitting here hoping that somehow he can make this right? Trying to figure out what can repair this? How ironic that I find out about it because he was breaking it off with her and that happened to be that latest email up! I also feel like a fool for trusting him after the fist time, but I truly thought that since he was honest enough the first time to refuse to agree to an exclusive relationship, that once he said that's what he wanted his word would be good. Is that twisted logic on my part?

I'm so sad about this. Advice/insight would be greatly appreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 4:46am

look - its not that you can't TRUST him. its that his idea of "dating" and "committment" are different from your ideas. so the question is - can you live with this? he sees nothing wrong with "seeing other women" , he doesn't consider this cheating, this is a way of life for him. there is nothing that "you" can do to fix this.


if you want to date/marry someone who will not cheat on you - then this is not the guy. i think he has made that VERY CLEAR by now.


and i am sure that if you go back, in your mind, and go over things that happened in the last three years, you will find other issues - honesty, consideration, etc - that have been there all along. put it all together and ask yourself if THIS is what you want.


good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:04pm
I needn't have worried about trying to figure out my next moves so quickly, becuase he hasn't called me yet. He's probably mad because I contacted the OW. She says they are friends now and she hopes they stay friends because he is one of her dearest friends. Oh well...they were having sex less than three months ago. And no, I can't accept this as a way of life, never knowing what he is up to when he's out of town, or even in town for that matter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 2:16pm
You only get what you accept for yourself, and hopefully you will walk away from this b/c you know you deserve better (but will not find it with this man). I'd call and make an appt. right now for an HIV test too (and go again in 6 months). Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:12pm
::How do you rebuild after something like this? Should I even try? What do you say if someone wants to "do whatever it takes" to fix things? LOL! Can you see I am sitting here hoping that somehow he can make this right? Trying to figure out what can repair this?

Extensive therapy on his part.... but even that's no sure bet that things will change. He's done what he's wanted to do, period. It's part of his charater, lack of integrity, who he is. And it has nothing to do with you or how much you love him. You can't change him.

Focus on you and your healing.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:20am
Well, we talked. He appears to be truly remorseful, has taken full responsibility, has admitted everything and answered every question I have. He has made appointments for us to go to couples therapy. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. He says he'll cut off all contact. Our first appointment is the first day he is back from a business trip - Thursday, on his way home from the airport. I am giving it a chance. We'll see what happens.

I have some questions for you about some of the things he has said about the "whys". He said he has spent a lot of time thinking about why he did it since he decided to break it off (he actually hadn't seen her in over a month, had been avoiding seeing her and finally wrote her an email officially breaking it off, which is what I saw her responding to). She had been living across the country until recently, then just showed up and said "Guess what, I just moved here!" She was totally available and he said it was like a kid needing to stick a finger in the socket to see if the electricity was really on. That he thinks a certain part of him needs to live dangerously, at least until he gets burnt. Also, that he's always been one who's been pretty unwilling to sacrifice his freedom and in some ways, he thought that by having a tryst, he could keep some of that freedom that his brain thinks he would be sacrificing by being monogamous. Also, that he thinks part of it was a test to see if he really cared enough for me to give up that "freedom" and the answer was yes, he realized he had the world on a string with me and he was being a big stupid idiot to risk losing our relationship and that's why he broke up with her. He thinks maybe he was also trying to get in one last fling before he finally settled down. He said he's not offering any of this up as excuses because there are no excuses for what he did, but more like that's all he can figure out as to why he did it.

I guess we'll go over all this in therapy, but just wanted your take on it. Is this like the man giving one last big struggle on the line before he is finally hooked like a lot of relationship books say? Honesty or just a bunch of BS? Can a guy tempted by the excitement of "living dangerously" ever really be happy in a monogamous relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 7:06am
"Honesty or just a bunch of BS?"

It's BS. This is what it looks like to ME from HIS perspective:

I cheated on her while we were together the first time - she got mad for a litle while, but stayed my friend. I cheated on her now that we're back together for the second time, and she found out, but she's still willing to work on it with me. This leads me to believe that I can cheat on her anytime I want, as long as I remember to apologise and make up some lame analogy about a kid and an electrical socket. Life is easy!




 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:39am
'Is this like the man giving one last big struggle on the line before he is finally hooked like a lot of relationship books say? '

What books??? And does that make it o.k.?

'She was totally available'

There will be a lot of available women around him in the future. What will stop him from sticking his finger in their light socket? (sorry, had to say it) Will a marriage certificate really matter if he still has a craving to 'live dangerously'?

' been pretty unwilling to sacrifice his freedom'

Then how is he willing to be monogamous?

"he thinks part of it was a test to see if he really cared enough for me to give up that "freedom" and the answer was yes,"

Aah, yes. This is my favorite. He slept with her for *you*. Good answer.

Counseling should be interesting. I wish you luck. If I were you I would think long and hard about living in a situation where I was always tempted to check his email.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 1:58pm

sorry but i agree that this sounds like BS.


I am not sure you are interested in hearing this but here are some thoughts:



ummm, no.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 2:53pm
There was an article recently that covered some of those same things - I didn't keep it.

Bring it all up in therapy.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 3:03pm
OMG, your BF sounds just like my ex-BF. I found out about the first girl by accident. WE were on a breakup (1st time) and he slept with this cub scout mom. Then I thought since he fessed up, we could move forward. I figured he didn't have to tell me and the fact that he did meant alot to me.

Then, he did it again. Oops, I forgot, he slept at this girl's house and just had oral sex with her. It really meant nothing to him. I called the girl pretended that I was afraid of catching a STD. She said not to worry cuz they only had oral sex. Can you belive that?!!?

Then we got past that and his roomate confessed to me that he was sleeping with one of his college buddies. She was a skank!! I thought she spent alot of time at the apartment but NEVER thought he'd do her. I thought the roomate was doing her or she was just friends with them.

So, we broke up again .... We got back together, broke up, got back together, broke up. It was very emotional and I never knew whether we were on or off half the time. I just knew that eventually it became a habit for us. I think we both liked the make up sex.

Anyway, I finally went to his house on a work day. He didn't show up at work and his home phone was busy all morning. I knocked on the door, he didn't answer. I kept banging until finally he answered the door with a sheet draped around his naked body. There was a woman in BED with him. She covered her head and he and I argued alot.

I left and NEVER turned back.

I heard all the same BS that your BF is telling you. They will lie just to keep your stringing along. They want to have many partners and are never satisfied with just one person. Don't believe him!!

His past behavior is the only sure predictor of his future behavior and that's NOT GOOD!! If this is what you want, go for it. I would strongly recommend a clean cut now before you really invest too much into this!!

Good luck!

Hugs to you!