Caught him sexting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Caught him sexting
14
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 9:10pm

I am really at a loss right now and could use some advice.  About 2 months ago I caught my boyfriend texting his friend's sister very inappropriately.  There was a lot of him telling her what he would do to her, she sent him a picture of her chest,her asking why they never got together over the years, etc.etc.  At one point in the conversation she asked him "what about your girlfriend?"  To which he replied "she works a lot and is tired."  That is completely false, we have always had a fantastic and frequent sex life.  Also, in the conversation he asked her to let him come over and she could climb into his car and on top of his ____.  She blew it off.  Later in the conversation he asked her to meet up with him tomorrow, get drunk and ____ all day long."  She played a fine line in encouraging him while at the same time avoiding committing to meeting up with him.

I confronted him with it and there was a huge blow out.  I called him a lot of names.  I told him I couldn't believe he would sit there and be a part of me and my son's life and do something like this when he knows how much we both adore him.  We fought all day long, and eventually ended up in bed.  Afterwards I went right back to being mad at him.  At this point he completely turned it around on me, screaming at me, and said that if we are going to fix this and move on that I can't constantly be bringing it up.  He never really gave me a solid answer as to why he did it, his only explanation was that he was bored and wanted to "get off."  I asked him several times, "what would you have done if she would have said yes to meeting up with you?"  He says that is an unfair question because he can't tell me what would happen in a situation that did not happen.  

I feel like I never got the period of me being pissed and him putting up with it because he immediately swept it under the rug.  Since then, our relationship sucks.  We fight constantly, almost everyday about everything.  I'm a complete witch to him about the stupidest silliest things.  I always trusted him unconditionally before this, now I have anxiety if he isn't home or at work.  I am still so hurt and so so angry.  I know he loves me......his actions show me everyday.  He says that he would never do anything like that again because he has seen how much it hurt me.  He says he was an idiot..  

I just can't get over it.  We fight so much, and I think I'm losing my love for him.  I just want to find peace.  My biggest question, am I a fool for letting him talk his way out of it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 10:23am

I agree with Kendahke.  I would also add that all the nice things he does for you should be a 'given' in a relationship.  He and you should have each other's back and be there for one another.  IMHO that is what a relationship is.    Because he does nice things for you and others should be expected all the time not just because he got caught, kwim?

Sweeping it under the rug does not fix the problem.  Facing it head on, getting therapy, having empathy for the one who was betrayed's feelings, being truly sorry, not just sorry he/she got caught, being transparent and all by the one who betrays is what is needed.  Otherwise what happens when the next stress, problem or difficult bump in your relationship arrives?  If he does not figure out why HE made the choice in the first place you could be staring this in the face again.  This isn't something you can make him do, or see, he has to want to and do it himself. 

What you can do it take care of yourself, your child and make your own plan b in case he doesn't come around.  That may mean counseling for yourself.

I wish you the best!

Ollie

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 6:12pm

Quote:
I know he is sorry, but being sorry that you were caught doesn't make it go away.

That's the key here.  It's like saying "I'm sorry if you were offended" after calling someone out of their name or saying something vile to/about them, instead of saying "I'm sorry I said it and that I allowed myself to disrespect you so blatantly by (_the action here_)".  Because being sorry he was caught is no where near being in the universe of being sorry for:

1. seeking out this woman in the first place while knowing he was in a committed relationship with you;

2. lying on you by telling her things she had no business knowing about you and your relationship;

3.and then acting like your being upset over it was inconveniencing him somehow.

It's nice he does all of that with your son. However, that's non sequitur to what he was doing behind your back--and the only reason why it has ceased is because YOU busted him---not that he said to himself "hey!! what are you doing? This woman loves you!! This woman trusts you with her son and this is how you repay her?"  Had you still been oblivious to this day, would he have stopped pursuing her or would this still be going on?  No, no one will ever know because that's now how it fell out in experience.  I just wonder if the consolation that you did bust him assuage the feeling that he was actively stepping out on you--he was in the emotional phase of it and hadn't gotten to the physical phase yet.

If you feel he's worth holding onto, then you're going to have to do it and be content and quiet about it.  Meaning:  You will have to forgive him and move forward and not bring this up again. Can you do that?  He will be your whipping boy only for so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 8:14pm

As always Musiclover I am blown away by your wisdom and suggestions.

I agree, if you can't get past this and regain trust, you will harbor anger and resentment and it will just fester until the relationship blows up.

He seems to be doing all he can to work on the relationship and it just might take some counseling, you being able to talk to an outsider, to help you come to terms with whether or not you can forgive him.

It seems the end or continuation of this relationship is soley in your hands now.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 11:12am

It is of course your perogative to forgive him and try to move on with him. He may be a nice guy in all those ways that you described with helping people etc, but don't forget how nasty he got with you after you confronted him. I know it must be very confusing to decide what to do, and he has been turning on the charm of late to try to make this up to you. What I have not heard from you is that you two have had any real sort of discussion of what happened. It's just, I'm sorry and you are supposed to drop it forever. I don't think you can do that. In my opinion if you deicde to try to work it out you really need to talk about what happened. If he won't do this, then I do not think you should stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 11:14am

Right now he seems like he wants to make up for this incident and is otherwise a good guy.  It could possibly be that this was a one time incident and he's truly sorry about it, but in order for the relationship to work, you do have to forgive him and put it in the past.  I would suggest counseling--tell him that it's really important to you that he should go--it's not going to be forever, but you really need it to move past this.  If he won't go, I'd suggest that you go by yourself and discuss it with the counselor before deciding to break up with him.  I do think he should have let you talk about it and he should have explained it himself more.  Just saying that he was sorry is really not enough--if he has no insight into why he did this, it's possible that he could do it again, but then again, he might not.

When I was married, I found out that my exH cheated on me--we were having problems and I asked him.  I wasn't snooping around because in those days they didn't have cell phones or email so I never would have found out if he hadn't admitted it.  I was pretty devastated but he said that he broke it off himself after a short time because he felt so guilty about it and I believed him because it was not like his character to do that.  Well it's not like everything was fixed right away--he still wanted to get divorced at that time, but after a while we decided to try to stay together.  It turns out that things didn't work out and we got divorced about 5 yrs later, but I do believe that he never cheated on me again.  I had to choose to believe that or there would have been no point in trying to work things out.  I never really wanted to get divorced.  So I think you have to ask yourself whether you can believe this was a one time thing and if you want to try to rebuild trust.  If you can't put it behind you, I agree w/ the others that the relationship is doomed anyway--if you keep yelling at him and being horrible while he's trying to be nice, he'll just eventually break up with you or he'll do that thing of "well she thinks I'm a cheater anyway so why don't I just do it?"  I also think he has to realize that it might take more than 2 months for you to regain trust in him--so I would recommend talking about it.  Tell him that you want to believe that he would never do this again, but it was so shocking for you to find out because you never would have believed it before--so it's great that he's being nice and being helpful, but you need some help in understanding what got into him--I mean it's not even like it was a stranger that he encountered on line, this is a person that he actually knows so it would have been quite possible for them to get together--that probably makes it even more shocking and hurtful.  Tell him that you appreciate his efforts to prove to you that he's not cheating and that you really want to forget about it but it's harder than you thought it would be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 4:26pm

Thank you everyone for your input, it really helps to have some input from someone outside of the situation.  The fact that I sit here crying and anxious after all this time points me to the conclusion that I don't know if I can ever really get over it.  He has put so much effort into our relationship since then, that I convinced myself it was an isolated incident.  Whether it was or not, I don't know.  But at this point I wonder if it even really matters or makes a difference.  I am so careful who I bring around my son, I despise those people that bring every person that they date around their kids and it took a lot for me to let him be a part of my son's life.  If I admit that this relationship is over, than I have to admit that I was wrong for bringing this person into my son's life.  That makes me question myself so much and doubt everything I'll do from here on out.  Because I never expected or thought anything like this would happen. 

Obviously he made a huge mistake that I can either choose to forget or not.  I know he is sorry, but being sorry that you were caught doesn't make it go away.  When I say he shows he loves me, its in everything he does.  He drives straight home every night after work, he never goes out, he contributes every dime he makes to our household.  If it weren't for him my son would not have had a christmas.  He didn't even buy his family presents so that we would have extra money to buy my son toys. He gets up and drives my son to school on days when I just got off a 12 hour shift.  If I'm working late he comes up to my work to see me on his way home. He helps my son with his homework and is genuinely concerned about his schoolwork.  He tells me everyday how much he loves me.  There isn't a moment of any day that I don't know exactly where he is, not because I ask, but because he makes it that way.  When I've worked a lot and am completely wiped he plays with my son and keeps him engaged so I can rest. He was always wonderful before, but he's done a 180 into a realm that I didn't even know was missing.  He's a good person in other ways too.  He's given a homeless person walking in the snow the jacket off his back.  He cleans the snow off strangers' cars while he waits for his car to warm up.  He's the first person to volunteer if someone needs help moving or painting or working on their house.

He made a mistake and I don't want to rake him over the coals forever.  I have to decide if I am capable of getting past this.  I think the chances of it would have been better if he would have discussed it more and like one person said, given me more disclosure.  Obviously I am very confused.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 01-19-2013 - 10:53am

*IS* he interested in seeking therapy?  IS he interested in addressing why he went behind your back in the first place? Because if he isn't, no amount of couple's therapy is going to fix squat.  You may need to see a therapist to determine why it's so important for you to have this particular man in your life as opposed to being by yourself until the right man comes into your life.  Yes, that one is much, much harder and requires far more discipline than going with the mindset of "at least I got a man..", miserable as he makes you and by extension, your son.

If he's not making the appointment for the counselling and has gone to a number of them, especially after what's gone down, then you need to just accept that he's not interested in fixing anything and that this relationship is over except for the breaking up part. You cannot make him want what you want and it's clear through his behavior that he no longer wants what you want.  Sex is not a bandaid that can fix this kind of a gaping wound, so don't be fooled into thinking he can be sexed into a frame of thinking he has shown no interest in having in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 5:16pm

So he's playing "see what you  made me do".  Classic tactic.  If there are/were problems already inside the relationship then the appropriate thing WAS to discuss it and get some help to fix things.  Instead.....he went outside your relationship to try to fix what's bothering him.  There's a child within this relationship, and that child counts.  Of course you are angry, there's no way you wouldn't be!  Him saying he expects you to just let it go, good for him, sucky for your relationship.  THIS HAS TO BE ADDRESSED.  He needs help setting boundaries, whether or not you opt to stay together.  But he didn't expect to get caught sexting and at the moment you have no expectation he won't just do it again.  Not dealing with it is condoning it and at the moment you would have to be wondering just how far this actually went.  He was with you, he had no right to do this.  Until he realizes this and volunteers to get help to fix it, you'll just continue on with no trust between you.  He caused this, he needs to handle it now.  He's not 16 and some horny teenager, he's a grown-up and he can indeed change this behavior.  IF he wants to.  And IF you want to work things out.  See why it needs counseling? 

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 5:16pm

  Either get over it or leave.  Putting yourself and him through the I want to be mad is not working.  He will do what pleases him anyway.  This woman was playing him and his fantasy.  He enjoyed it.  But he is strong enough not to buy into the game you seem to want.  Make a choice. It is that simple.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 3:33pm

Hottie, you discovered his misbehavior by doing something you apparently don't usually do: going through his phone.  He has proven himself to be untrustworthy.  What makes you think this is the only time he has done this?

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