Caught him sexting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Caught him sexting
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 9:10pm

I am really at a loss right now and could use some advice.  About 2 months ago I caught my boyfriend texting his friend's sister very inappropriately.  There was a lot of him telling her what he would do to her, she sent him a picture of her chest,her asking why they never got together over the years, etc.etc.  At one point in the conversation she asked him "what about your girlfriend?"  To which he replied "she works a lot and is tired."  That is completely false, we have always had a fantastic and frequent sex life.  Also, in the conversation he asked her to let him come over and she could climb into his car and on top of his ____.  She blew it off.  Later in the conversation he asked her to meet up with him tomorrow, get drunk and ____ all day long."  She played a fine line in encouraging him while at the same time avoiding committing to meeting up with him.

I confronted him with it and there was a huge blow out.  I called him a lot of names.  I told him I couldn't believe he would sit there and be a part of me and my son's life and do something like this when he knows how much we both adore him.  We fought all day long, and eventually ended up in bed.  Afterwards I went right back to being mad at him.  At this point he completely turned it around on me, screaming at me, and said that if we are going to fix this and move on that I can't constantly be bringing it up.  He never really gave me a solid answer as to why he did it, his only explanation was that he was bored and wanted to "get off."  I asked him several times, "what would you have done if she would have said yes to meeting up with you?"  He says that is an unfair question because he can't tell me what would happen in a situation that did not happen.  

I feel like I never got the period of me being pissed and him putting up with it because he immediately swept it under the rug.  Since then, our relationship sucks.  We fight constantly, almost everyday about everything.  I'm a complete witch to him about the stupidest silliest things.  I always trusted him unconditionally before this, now I have anxiety if he isn't home or at work.  I am still so hurt and so so angry.  I know he loves me......his actions show me everyday.  He says that he would never do anything like that again because he has seen how much it hurt me.  He says he was an idiot..  

I just can't get over it.  We fight so much, and I think I'm losing my love for him.  I just want to find peace.  My biggest question, am I a fool for letting him talk his way out of it?


Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 11:12am

It is of course your perogative to forgive him and try to move on with him. He may be a nice guy in all those ways that you described with helping people etc, but don't forget how nasty he got with you after you confronted him. I know it must be very confusing to decide what to do, and he has been turning on the charm of late to try to make this up to you. What I have not heard from you is that you two have had any real sort of discussion of what happened. It's just, I'm sorry and you are supposed to drop it forever. I don't think you can do that. In my opinion if you deicde to try to work it out you really need to talk about what happened. If he won't do this, then I do not think you should stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 8:14pm

As always Musiclover I am blown away by your wisdom and suggestions.

I agree, if you can't get past this and regain trust, you will harbor anger and resentment and it will just fester until the relationship blows up.

He seems to be doing all he can to work on the relationship and it just might take some counseling, you being able to talk to an outsider, to help you come to terms with whether or not you can forgive him.

It seems the end or continuation of this relationship is soley in your hands now.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 6:12pm

I know he is sorry, but being sorry that you were caught doesn't make it go away.

That's the key here.  It's like saying "I'm sorry if you were offended" after calling someone out of their name or saying something vile to/about them, instead of saying "I'm sorry I said it and that I allowed myself to disrespect you so blatantly by (_the action here_)".  Because being sorry he was caught is no where near being in the universe of being sorry for:

1. seeking out this woman in the first place while knowing he was in a committed relationship with you;

2. lying on you by telling her things she had no business knowing about you and your relationship;

3.and then acting like your being upset over it was inconveniencing him somehow.

It's nice he does all of that with your son. However, that's non sequitur to what he was doing behind your back--and the only reason why it has ceased is because YOU busted him---not that he said to himself "hey!! what are you doing? This woman loves you!! This woman trusts you with her son and this is how you repay her?"  Had you still been oblivious to this day, would he have stopped pursuing her or would this still be going on?  No, no one will ever know because that's now how it fell out in experience.  I just wonder if the consolation that you did bust him assuage the feeling that he was actively stepping out on you--he was in the emotional phase of it and hadn't gotten to the physical phase yet.

If you feel he's worth holding onto, then you're going to have to do it and be content and quiet about it.  Meaning:  You will have to forgive him and move forward and not bring this up again. Can you do that?  He will be your whipping boy only for so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 10:23am

I agree with Kendahke.  I would also add that all the nice things he does for you should be a 'given' in a relationship.  He and you should have each other's back and be there for one another.  IMHO that is what a relationship is.    Because he does nice things for you and others should be expected all the time not just because he got caught, kwim?

Sweeping it under the rug does not fix the problem.  Facing it head on, getting therapy, having empathy for the one who was betrayed's feelings, being truly sorry, not just sorry he/she got caught, being transparent and all by the one who betrays is what is needed.  Otherwise what happens when the next stress, problem or difficult bump in your relationship arrives?  If he does not figure out why HE made the choice in the first place you could be staring this in the face again.  This isn't something you can make him do, or see, he has to want to and do it himself. 

What you can do it take care of yourself, your child and make your own plan b in case he doesn't come around.  That may mean counseling for yourself.

I wish you the best!