Caught him sexting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2009
Caught him sexting
14
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 9:10pm

I am really at a loss right now and could use some advice.  About 2 months ago I caught my boyfriend texting his friend's sister very inappropriately.  There was a lot of him telling her what he would do to her, she sent him a picture of her chest,her asking why they never got together over the years, etc.etc.  At one point in the conversation she asked him "what about your girlfriend?"  To which he replied "she works a lot and is tired."  That is completely false, we have always had a fantastic and frequent sex life.  Also, in the conversation he asked her to let him come over and she could climb into his car and on top of his ____.  She blew it off.  Later in the conversation he asked her to meet up with him tomorrow, get drunk and ____ all day long."  She played a fine line in encouraging him while at the same time avoiding committing to meeting up with him.

I confronted him with it and there was a huge blow out.  I called him a lot of names.  I told him I couldn't believe he would sit there and be a part of me and my son's life and do something like this when he knows how much we both adore him.  We fought all day long, and eventually ended up in bed.  Afterwards I went right back to being mad at him.  At this point he completely turned it around on me, screaming at me, and said that if we are going to fix this and move on that I can't constantly be bringing it up.  He never really gave me a solid answer as to why he did it, his only explanation was that he was bored and wanted to "get off."  I asked him several times, "what would you have done if she would have said yes to meeting up with you?"  He says that is an unfair question because he can't tell me what would happen in a situation that did not happen.  

I feel like I never got the period of me being pissed and him putting up with it because he immediately swept it under the rug.  Since then, our relationship sucks.  We fight constantly, almost everyday about everything.  I'm a complete witch to him about the stupidest silliest things.  I always trusted him unconditionally before this, now I have anxiety if he isn't home or at work.  I am still so hurt and so so angry.  I know he loves me......his actions show me everyday.  He says that he would never do anything like that again because he has seen how much it hurt me.  He says he was an idiot..  

I just can't get over it.  We fight so much, and I think I'm losing my love for him.  I just want to find peace.  My biggest question, am I a fool for letting him talk his way out of it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 1:34pm

Wow what a blow to you and your son.

I agree with the other comment that he probably would have gone thru with it if she met up with him.

Can you get over it? Can the trust be rebuilt? You say you know he loves you in the way he acts and treats you. If this is true, then how could he have done this to you? Do you want this kind of person around influencing your young son?

Him sweeping it under the rug doesn't make it gone, it just lets your anger fester. If you two can't work thru this, how can the relationship work out?

You don't trust him anymore, are anxious and angry. You need to find a way to deal with these feelings, either by a separation or seeking outside counseling to help you deal with all this - or both.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 12:15pm

janitorhottie wrote:
<p>I am really at a loss right now and could use some advice.  About 2 months ago I caught my boyfriend texting his friend's sister very inappropriately.  There was a lot of him telling her what he would do to her, she sent him a picture of her chest,her asking why they never got together over the years, etc.etc.  At one point in the conversation she asked him "what about your girlfriend?"  To which he replied "she works a lot and is tired."  That is completely false, we have always had a fantastic and frequent sex life.  Also, in the conversation he asked her to let him come over and she could climb into his car and on top of his ____.  She blew it off.  Later in the conversation he asked her to meet up with him tomorrow, get drunk and ____ all day long."  She played a fine line in encouraging him while at the same time avoiding committing to meeting up with him.</p><p>I confronted him with it and there was a huge blow out.  I called him a lot of names.  I told him I couldn't believe he would sit there and be a part of me and my son's life and do something like this when he knows how much we both adore him.  We fought all day long, and eventually ended up in bed.  Afterwards I went right back to being mad at him.  At this point he completely turned it around on me, screaming at me, and said that if we are going to fix this and move on that I can't constantly be bringing it up.  He never really gave me a solid answer as to why he did it, his only explanation was that he was bored and wanted to "get off."  I asked him several times, "what would you have done if she would have said yes to meeting up with you?"  He says that is an unfair question because he can't tell me what would happen in a situation that did not happen.  </p><p>I feel like I never got the period of me being pissed and him putting up with it because he immediately swept it under the rug.  Since then, our relationship sucks.  We fight constantly, almost everyday about everything.  I'm a complete witch to him about the stupidest silliest things.  I always trusted him unconditionally before this, now I have anxiety if he isn't home or at work.  I am still so hurt and so so angry.  I know he loves me......his actions show me everyday.  He says that he would never do anything like that again because he has seen how much it hurt me.  He says he was an idiot..  </p><p>I just can't get over it.  We fight so much, and I think I'm losing my love for him.  I just want to find peace.  My biggest question, am I a fool for letting him talk his way out of it?</p>

You want to know why you can't "just get over it"?  Because deep down inside, you know that this is going to happen again and you're being pissed in advance of that and of being right, but ignoring your intuition, which should be telling you that there isn't enough "love" in the world that a healthy self esteem would tolerate by having a person like this all up in your son's life who esteems you the way this man does.

And also, do you really like the person you have to become in order to have this guy in your life? Take a good, long look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you like who you are right now?  Do you really like being "a complete witch"?  Do you really like putting that on display to your son?

The way you're going to find peace is to end the relationship. Period.

You have no control over what he talks himself out of: that's on him. What you do have control over is the proximity to which you allow yourself and your son to be with regards to him.

You aren't his mother, he's not your son, so you "letting" him do whatever is non sequitur. A grown man is going to do what a grown man ok's in his mind to do and it doesn't matter how you feel about it. Would it be nice if he didn't? Yeah, but that's not "what is" in your relationship. That's "what I wish would be", and you can't build anything on wishes.  You build on the reality that's falling out in experience right in front of you. 

A grown man who already made up his mind long ago that engaging any other woman but you in that kind of rhetoric is wrong is the type of man you need ot be with, not this guy.   I agree with Khatru that the type of questions he was asking her belies the fact that he would have followed through... all he was waiting on was her OK.  Were he more convincing in his tale of you "slacking off", I believe it would have been a done deal by now.  The fact that he's been busted changes nothing, IMO, except that he will learn to hide his tracks better next time.  He is already of the mind to step out on you.  Him trying to placate you in the interrim should never be misinterpreted as him seeing the errors of his ways.

It all depends upon how much more of this combat you feel like engaging in with this guy... and how much more of this you want to subject your son to... because your fighting with this guy IS affecting him. And don't think that you are keeping it from him---children aren't stupid.  He knows and he hears and he sees and he feels... and he deserves better from you.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 11:23am

I don't want to call you a fool, but you are right, you should not let him off so easy. He has taken the classic method of avoidance as much as possible and turning it around on you as much as possible. The goal being to make you drop the issue as soon as possible so he doesn't really have to explain himself fully. You obviously need much more disclosure and discussion about this because it is eating you alive. That leaves you with the choice forcing him to talk to you to your satisfaction. If he won't do that, then you either sweep it back under the rug, or break up with him.In my opinion , looking from the outside at the limited info you gave us, his very graphic questions to her seem sincere, as in I think he really did intend to carry through with things if she would have agreed to it.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Fri, 01-18-2013 - 9:12am

janitorhottie wrote:
At this point he completely turned it around on me, screaming at me, and said that if we are going to fix this and move on that I can't constantly be bringing it up.

Well, he can't expect you to instantly be over this but he is right that at some point, you either need to put this behind you or end the relationship. If you can't put it behind you, you need to stop hanging onto an unhealthy relationship that has no hope of recovering the trust you once had. But again, he can not expect that rebuilding of trust to happen overnight - HE needs to make an effort for that to happen too. He seems to think that an "I'm sorry I hurt you, I was an idiot" is enough to make this go away but it's not. 

You need to have an honest discussion about this without arguing. If you don't think you can do that, consider couples counseling. But at some point, you need to decide whether you on are the path to rebuilding this relationship or whether you're just going in circles.

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